part 14:
Perry Joins the Troop
by Matthew Atanian
©1999 by Matthew Atanian
Perry Joins the Troop
by Matthew Atanian
©1999 by Matthew Atanian
Act One: The Kiss
Bill Hughes arrived promptly at 6:41 p.m. for his 6:30 scout meeting. He went up the flight of stairs that led to Walker Hall and was somewhat alarmed to find it empty. He searched through his mind a bit and discovered that he had in fact seen his fellow scouts in the field behind the church, but for some reason this hadn’t registered with him at the time and he had instead gone inside.
He slapped his palm to his forehead.“Of course!” he said to himself. “We’ve got to get the sleds ready for the Klondike Derby.”
He turned to walk down the stairs and join his fellow scouts getting the sleds ready for the annual winter event. At least, he tried to walk down the stairs. Instead, he tripped on an untied shoelace and plummeted down the stairwell, giving himself a bruise on the left knee to match the one he’d given himself on his right knee earlier while getting ready for the meeting. He checked his elbow as well, to reassure himself he hadn’t torn his favourite flannel jacket.
Hughes sighed.
Why did things like this have to happen to him every Wednesday?
No other day of the week was he plagued by such clumsiness. Was he cursed by some strange mental ailment causing him to become clumsier then Chevy Chase’s Jimmy Carter whenever he had to go to a scout meeting? He would swear that on some of the worst Wednesdays, he made enough pratfalls by himself to rival all three of the Stooges. No, throw Shemp in there too! He would out‑clumsy all four of them together!
And only on Wednesdays.
Why?
Why?!
Eventually he managed to get back outside and meet up with Bill, Aaron, Squid, Kenny, and (Hughes was surprised to see) Matty, all standing a bit away from the rest of the Troop.
“Why are you Matty?” he asked.
“I had to talk to Sarah about something,” Matty responded. “I’ve got some water heating up in the kitchen; I’ll change back in a moment.”
“Ah,” Hughes said. He looked around a bit and caught an unfamiliar face in with the rest of the Troop. It was hard to miss the boy, actually. He seemed to be staring in their direction... no, at Matty... with an intense look of... perhaps it was hatred? Hughes wasn’t sure. Whatever it was, he was sure it was unpleasant.
The new boy was about sixteen years old or so, Asian, had black hair pulled back in a single ponytail, and had a look about him that Hughes might have called attractive except that he didn’t go for other men. He didn’t seem to own a uniform yet, as he was in regular clothes. Also, there was something familiar about this new scout, something Hughes couldn’t quite place.
“Hey,” Hughes said, “who’s the new kid?”
“Oh, that’s Perry,” Bill Gelinas replied. “Joined last week when you weren’t here.”
“Perry?” Hughes asked. “Perry doesn’t sound like an Asian name.”
“Apparently it’s short for something, but I didn’t catch what,” Mike added.
Hughes shook his head slightly as he tried in vain to unravel a thread from the foggy tapestry that was his brain.“He seems familiar for some reason.”
“You get that too, huh?” Aaron said.
Hughes looked at the others. “What, you all...?”
Everyone but Kenny nodded.
“It’s like I know him from somewhere, but I’m not sure where,” Matty said. She glanced in the direction of the church’s kitchen. “My water’s probably about ready,” Matty added. She took her leave of the group and headed inside.
“So what do we know about him?” Hughes asked.
Kenny pulled a small notepad from his pocket and flipped it open. He proceeded to read the small amounts of information their group had been able to ascertain. “Perry moved here from China only recently, and speaks English with a bit of an accent. He doesn’t seem to have any family, and the minor evidence we have suggests he lives alone. He doesn’t seem to like Matty at all, but hasn’t paid any notice to Matt.”
“Something funny’s going on here,”Hughes pondered.
“We figured that out last week,” Bill replied.
Mike looked up from where the five of them had huddled to talk amongst themselves and noted something disturbing.
"Hey,” he said, “where’d Perry go?”
The others looked up and blinked simultaneously.
They saw Justy walking around barking orders.
They saw Proctor following Justy like a puppy.
They saw everyone else pretty much ignoring Justy.
But they didn’t see Perry.
He was gone.
“Where’d he go?”
At the Girl Scout meeting, Sarah was working with Kirstin, Nicole, and some of the other girls on requirements for the Artistic Crafts Interest Patch. Sarah was feeling a bit thirsty, and excused herself to go up to the kitchen for a glass of water.
Nicole turned to one of the other girls there, Rebecca Chambers. “So, Becky, about what we were talking about earlier?”
“I don’t know,” Becky responded. “It’s a lot of money.”
“It’s a perfect opportunity! A once in a lifetime investment. I... We can’t loose. Look, I’ll tell you what. I’ll split the profits... say... 80/20?”
“That’s not a lot for me.”
“Hey, I’m the one who’s doing all the work here. You’re just providing the capitol.”
“Still... it is my money. 60/40?”
“70/30?” Nicole countered.
“Well...” Becky said.
“Come on... I know you can do it,”Nicole prompted.
“Oh, okay,” Becky said at last. They shook hands, Nicole’s grip firm and confident, Becky’s grip unsure, as if she was shaking a dead fish instead of another girl’s hand.
“Stick with me,” Nicole promised her new business partner, “and you’ll earn the Dollars and Sense patch four times over!”
With a satisfied smile on her face, Nicole turned back to her twin.
“What was that about?” Kirstin asked.
“Oh, just a little business venture I’ve got going on. We’re thinking of expanding the cookie business by offering a few other items for sale along with them.”
“Expanding the cookie business?!”
“Yeah, well...”
Nicole was interrupted as out in the hall Sarah shouted, “Men!” Kirstin dashed out into the hall in time to see her sister angrily storm outside muttering not quite incoherently.
“What was that all about?” Kirstin wondered, heading for the stairs.
A few minutes prior to all of this, Matty had gone to the Kitchen. She had taken the small pot of water off of the stove and turned the stove off. The water was nowhere near boiling, but Matty thought she still might still let it cool a bit for a moment before using it to turn back into a guy.
She heard a noise and turned to face the doorway. She nearly jumped when she saw Perry standing there, staring at her.
“Smeg, don’t do that!” Matty said. “You nearly gave me a heart attack. Did you need something, Perry?”
“I have come for you.” He began walking towards her.
“Oh, yes? What can I do for you?” He was getting quite close to her. Too close for comfort.
“Um...?” Matty said.
He reached for her face and brought it to his own, and placed his lips upon hers.
Oh, dear, this is not at all good, Matty thought. “AAAACCKKKKKK!!!” was what she actually said. Or tried to say, at least. His lips were still over hers and somehow the way he held her chin prevented her backing away.
Hoping that the pot of hot water she held would provide a satisfactory explanation of why Matty was not at all enjoying this, she lifted it over her head and emptied it out, dousing both herself and Perry with its contents. This startled Perry, who much to Matt’s relief finely backed away.
Matt looked at Perry, and was even more surprised then he was when the other had kissed him, for Perry was no longer a man.
He was a woman.
“P... P... P...” Matt spat out. Finely, he managed to form the word he had been having the trouble with. “P... Perfume? W... what are you doing... here?”
The young woman smiled evilly. “Finally I catch you, Matty. I give you the Kiss of Death, and now I kill you.”
“Eerp,” Matt said.
Perfume was placing her hand on Matt’s chest, patting it as if looking for something. She had a confused look on her face.
“Man,” she slowly said a moment later.“Not woman...”
“Um, that’s right,” Matt said. “I’m a guy. Um... why were you a guy?”
Perfume looked at him. He looked at her. She looked at him. Her eyes then looked up at the inside of her own head and she keeled over backwards, landing on the kitchen floor with a soft thump.
She had lost consciousness.
The instant she had hit the floor, Matt had bolted out of the room and started down the stairs. "Damn it, I can’t believe she followed me here!”
“Who?” Kirstin asked.
Matt came to a screeching halt half way down the stairs just before colliding with her. She had been on her way up.
“You don’t want to go up there,” Matt told her.
“Why?” Kirstin asked. “And why did my sister just shout, ‘Men!’ and storm out of the building muttering about, ‘Mr. Testosterone getting some action in the kitchen’? Just when I thought you two might be close to hitting it off...”
“My God, she saw?”
“Saw what? What’s going on?”
As they talked, they had made their way outside. Matt saw Sarah, over by her car, who was giving him an evil look that made Perfume seem warm and caring, and Kirstin a disapproving look for being with him.
Matt sighed as Sarah turned away. So much for progress... He then caught sight of his fellow Scouts and ran towards them. Kirstin followed.
“We’ve got to get out of here! Now, hurry!” Matt said.
“What about the... what about the meeting?”Mike asked.
“Never mind that, now! Hurry!”
The others looked at him. “What is it?”Aaron asked.
“She’s here.”
“’She’?” Billy said.
“’She’ who?” Hughes inquired.
“I can’t believe she followed us all the way from China!”
Mike choked on something. “Not... Not her!”
“It can’t be... Perfume?” Aaron asked.
“Is that bad?” Kenny asked.
“Would someone please explain to me,”Kirstin asked in a calm and composed manor, “who this Perfume is, and what is going on?”
The others looked at her. Matt sighed.“It all started back when we were all in China...”
He slapped his palm to his forehead.“Of course!” he said to himself. “We’ve got to get the sleds ready for the Klondike Derby.”
He turned to walk down the stairs and join his fellow scouts getting the sleds ready for the annual winter event. At least, he tried to walk down the stairs. Instead, he tripped on an untied shoelace and plummeted down the stairwell, giving himself a bruise on the left knee to match the one he’d given himself on his right knee earlier while getting ready for the meeting. He checked his elbow as well, to reassure himself he hadn’t torn his favourite flannel jacket.
Hughes sighed.
Why did things like this have to happen to him every Wednesday?
No other day of the week was he plagued by such clumsiness. Was he cursed by some strange mental ailment causing him to become clumsier then Chevy Chase’s Jimmy Carter whenever he had to go to a scout meeting? He would swear that on some of the worst Wednesdays, he made enough pratfalls by himself to rival all three of the Stooges. No, throw Shemp in there too! He would out‑clumsy all four of them together!
And only on Wednesdays.
Why?
Why?!
Eventually he managed to get back outside and meet up with Bill, Aaron, Squid, Kenny, and (Hughes was surprised to see) Matty, all standing a bit away from the rest of the Troop.
“Why are you Matty?” he asked.
“I had to talk to Sarah about something,” Matty responded. “I’ve got some water heating up in the kitchen; I’ll change back in a moment.”
“Ah,” Hughes said. He looked around a bit and caught an unfamiliar face in with the rest of the Troop. It was hard to miss the boy, actually. He seemed to be staring in their direction... no, at Matty... with an intense look of... perhaps it was hatred? Hughes wasn’t sure. Whatever it was, he was sure it was unpleasant.
The new boy was about sixteen years old or so, Asian, had black hair pulled back in a single ponytail, and had a look about him that Hughes might have called attractive except that he didn’t go for other men. He didn’t seem to own a uniform yet, as he was in regular clothes. Also, there was something familiar about this new scout, something Hughes couldn’t quite place.
“Hey,” Hughes said, “who’s the new kid?”
“Oh, that’s Perry,” Bill Gelinas replied. “Joined last week when you weren’t here.”
“Perry?” Hughes asked. “Perry doesn’t sound like an Asian name.”
“Apparently it’s short for something, but I didn’t catch what,” Mike added.
Hughes shook his head slightly as he tried in vain to unravel a thread from the foggy tapestry that was his brain.“He seems familiar for some reason.”
“You get that too, huh?” Aaron said.
Hughes looked at the others. “What, you all...?”
Everyone but Kenny nodded.
“It’s like I know him from somewhere, but I’m not sure where,” Matty said. She glanced in the direction of the church’s kitchen. “My water’s probably about ready,” Matty added. She took her leave of the group and headed inside.
“So what do we know about him?” Hughes asked.
Kenny pulled a small notepad from his pocket and flipped it open. He proceeded to read the small amounts of information their group had been able to ascertain. “Perry moved here from China only recently, and speaks English with a bit of an accent. He doesn’t seem to have any family, and the minor evidence we have suggests he lives alone. He doesn’t seem to like Matty at all, but hasn’t paid any notice to Matt.”
“Something funny’s going on here,”Hughes pondered.
“We figured that out last week,” Bill replied.
Mike looked up from where the five of them had huddled to talk amongst themselves and noted something disturbing.
"Hey,” he said, “where’d Perry go?”
The others looked up and blinked simultaneously.
They saw Justy walking around barking orders.
They saw Proctor following Justy like a puppy.
They saw everyone else pretty much ignoring Justy.
But they didn’t see Perry.
He was gone.
“Where’d he go?”
At the Girl Scout meeting, Sarah was working with Kirstin, Nicole, and some of the other girls on requirements for the Artistic Crafts Interest Patch. Sarah was feeling a bit thirsty, and excused herself to go up to the kitchen for a glass of water.
Nicole turned to one of the other girls there, Rebecca Chambers. “So, Becky, about what we were talking about earlier?”
“I don’t know,” Becky responded. “It’s a lot of money.”
“It’s a perfect opportunity! A once in a lifetime investment. I... We can’t loose. Look, I’ll tell you what. I’ll split the profits... say... 80/20?”
“That’s not a lot for me.”
“Hey, I’m the one who’s doing all the work here. You’re just providing the capitol.”
“Still... it is my money. 60/40?”
“70/30?” Nicole countered.
“Well...” Becky said.
“Come on... I know you can do it,”Nicole prompted.
“Oh, okay,” Becky said at last. They shook hands, Nicole’s grip firm and confident, Becky’s grip unsure, as if she was shaking a dead fish instead of another girl’s hand.
“Stick with me,” Nicole promised her new business partner, “and you’ll earn the Dollars and Sense patch four times over!”
With a satisfied smile on her face, Nicole turned back to her twin.
“What was that about?” Kirstin asked.
“Oh, just a little business venture I’ve got going on. We’re thinking of expanding the cookie business by offering a few other items for sale along with them.”
“Expanding the cookie business?!”
“Yeah, well...”
Nicole was interrupted as out in the hall Sarah shouted, “Men!” Kirstin dashed out into the hall in time to see her sister angrily storm outside muttering not quite incoherently.
“What was that all about?” Kirstin wondered, heading for the stairs.
A few minutes prior to all of this, Matty had gone to the Kitchen. She had taken the small pot of water off of the stove and turned the stove off. The water was nowhere near boiling, but Matty thought she still might still let it cool a bit for a moment before using it to turn back into a guy.
She heard a noise and turned to face the doorway. She nearly jumped when she saw Perry standing there, staring at her.
“Smeg, don’t do that!” Matty said. “You nearly gave me a heart attack. Did you need something, Perry?”
“I have come for you.” He began walking towards her.
“Oh, yes? What can I do for you?” He was getting quite close to her. Too close for comfort.
“Um...?” Matty said.
He reached for her face and brought it to his own, and placed his lips upon hers.
Oh, dear, this is not at all good, Matty thought. “AAAACCKKKKKK!!!” was what she actually said. Or tried to say, at least. His lips were still over hers and somehow the way he held her chin prevented her backing away.
Hoping that the pot of hot water she held would provide a satisfactory explanation of why Matty was not at all enjoying this, she lifted it over her head and emptied it out, dousing both herself and Perry with its contents. This startled Perry, who much to Matt’s relief finely backed away.
Matt looked at Perry, and was even more surprised then he was when the other had kissed him, for Perry was no longer a man.
He was a woman.
“P... P... P...” Matt spat out. Finely, he managed to form the word he had been having the trouble with. “P... Perfume? W... what are you doing... here?”
The young woman smiled evilly. “Finally I catch you, Matty. I give you the Kiss of Death, and now I kill you.”
“Eerp,” Matt said.
Perfume was placing her hand on Matt’s chest, patting it as if looking for something. She had a confused look on her face.
“Man,” she slowly said a moment later.“Not woman...”
“Um, that’s right,” Matt said. “I’m a guy. Um... why were you a guy?”
Perfume looked at him. He looked at her. She looked at him. Her eyes then looked up at the inside of her own head and she keeled over backwards, landing on the kitchen floor with a soft thump.
She had lost consciousness.
The instant she had hit the floor, Matt had bolted out of the room and started down the stairs. "Damn it, I can’t believe she followed me here!”
“Who?” Kirstin asked.
Matt came to a screeching halt half way down the stairs just before colliding with her. She had been on her way up.
“You don’t want to go up there,” Matt told her.
“Why?” Kirstin asked. “And why did my sister just shout, ‘Men!’ and storm out of the building muttering about, ‘Mr. Testosterone getting some action in the kitchen’? Just when I thought you two might be close to hitting it off...”
“My God, she saw?”
“Saw what? What’s going on?”
As they talked, they had made their way outside. Matt saw Sarah, over by her car, who was giving him an evil look that made Perfume seem warm and caring, and Kirstin a disapproving look for being with him.
Matt sighed as Sarah turned away. So much for progress... He then caught sight of his fellow Scouts and ran towards them. Kirstin followed.
“We’ve got to get out of here! Now, hurry!” Matt said.
“What about the... what about the meeting?”Mike asked.
“Never mind that, now! Hurry!”
The others looked at him. “What is it?”Aaron asked.
“She’s here.”
“’She’?” Billy said.
“’She’ who?” Hughes inquired.
“I can’t believe she followed us all the way from China!”
Mike choked on something. “Not... Not her!”
“It can’t be... Perfume?” Aaron asked.
“Is that bad?” Kenny asked.
“Would someone please explain to me,”Kirstin asked in a calm and composed manor, “who this Perfume is, and what is going on?”
The others looked at her. Matt sighed.“It all started back when we were all in China...”
Act Two: Once Upon a Time in China
The young, redheaded woman and the heavyset, Chinese man continued their hike through China, closely followed by a duck, a cat, a dog, and a
squirrel. After the rain had stopped, Matty had considered pausing to prepare some hot water, but their guide had suggested continuing on as there was a village not far ahead and they could get some water there.
Matty continued her trek, tired from the burden of caring not only her stuff, but most of the other’s stuff as well. Bill Gelinas was the only one who had anything else, dragging some of it behind himself on a makeshift sled they’d lashed together.
Her tired pace quickened somewhat when she saw the houses ahead.
“Here, sirs,” the guide said, producing from nowhere the little flip-chart sign he had that told the names of the places he took people, “we come to rustic village, Joketsuzoku.”
“Joe-keh-what?” Matty asked.
“Is village of amazon womans,” the guide continued.
They had come into the village now. It was a small village, but had a prosperous look to it. Women were going to and fro, busy with the tasks of the day. A few men were about, as well.
As they were passing one house, Matty spotted a pot of water boiling over a fire in the back yard. Just what the doctor ordered, she thought. She walked over to it, followed by the others.
She looked around, but didn’t see anyone who she might inquire about the water with. Well, I hate to just take it, but...
Matty grabbed some convenient pot holders, lifted the pot from over the fire, and raised it over her head. Just before she poured, however, Aaron began quacking and batting her ankle with his wing.
Matty turned, still holding the pot over her head. She saw a young Chinese woman, who looked to be in her late teens. She had long hair pulled back in a single ponytail, and features that Matty found to be not at all unappealing, except for one minor detail.
The expression on her face.
She looked pissed.
She began shouting at Matty. Being in Chinese, Matty couldn’t understand a word of it. It just sounded like lyrical gibberish to her. Fortunately, the guide was kind enough to translate.
“’You there! Woman! What you doing with that water!’ she say.”
Matty stood there, dumbfounded. “Um... aren’t you a little upset over water?”
Even though Matty doubted the Chinese girl understood the words, it was clear she seemed to understand the tone they were in. She looked even more pissed.
“Okay, okay. I’m sorry I tried to take your water.” Matty went to put the water back over the fire, but somehow slipped and ended up spilling it over the Chinese girl’s feet.
“Aaaaiiiiiiiiiiiaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!” the girl responded. The water had been near boiling.
She looked more pissed then a group of philosophers spending Saturday evening at the pub.
“Um, uh...” Matty stammered.
The girl said something in a calm and quiet voice that seemed disconcerting paired with the enraged expression on her face. She then adopted what was clearly a fighting stance.
“’Woman, I challenge you!’ she say,”the guide translated.
“Um, uh... hold it! Stop! Cease!” Matty replied. “I’m no amazon warrior! It wouldn’t be a fair fight! How about some other way to settle our differences?”
After the guide translated this for the girl, she smiled slightly. “’What you suggest?’ she say,” the guide translated after she had replied.
Matty tried to think of some alternative that would give her an even chance, and for some reason she could think of only one thing. She almost felt silly suggesting it, and was sure that her opponent would rather just beat her senseless.
Still, it was worth a shot. She stuck out her hand. “Thumb wrestling?”
Before the guide could even translate this for the girl, she took Matty’s hand and raised her thumb up high. Without further ado, the two of them began a series of feints and parries, attempting to lure the other’s thumb into a trap. As the minutes dragged on, it seemed clear that they were somewhat evenly matched.
Matty was close to fed up. She’s had a tough time of it the last few days. It’s not easy suddenly having the ability to change genders... And having to carry most of the gear to boot... The last thing she needed was to be stuck in a stupid thumb wrestling match with an amazon girl over a pot of water!
She almost hated to do it, but there was no alternative. She waited for the amazon girl’s thumb to be in just the right position, and then...
“Sneak attack!” Matty declared as she brought her index finger into play. She pinned down the girl’s thumb with it, and then moved her own thumb in to complete the move.
It was cheep. It was dirty. But it was victory.
The entire village stared at them in stunned silence. Matty noticed for the first time the sizable audience they’d acquired. She almost laughed at the sight of a wrinkled up old woman balanced on some kind of stick, but her attention was diverted as the amazon girl stepped towards her. She cupped Matty’s face in her hands and leaned forward. Matty was surprised when she realized that the girl was about to kiss her...
Just before the girl’s lips made contact, the guide grabbed Matty by the wrist and dragged her away. Mike, Aaron, and the Bills quickly followed.
“Run, sirs! Run quickly!” the guide shouted.
“What the hell’s going on?” Matty not quite politely inquired.
“That one trying to give you the Kiss of Death! Terrible tragedy if she succeed! Terrible tragedy!”
“Kiss of death?” Kirstin asked. “What is this, a mobster movie?”
Kenny produced the same ancient Chinese book he’d read from when asking about Jusenkyo all those months ago.“According to Chinese Amazon Tribal Law,” he read, “if a woman warrior is defeated by an outsider, and that outsider is a woman, the warrior must give that woman the ‘Kiss of Death’ and kill her without delay.”
“What happens if the outsider is a man?” Gelinas asked.
“Then she must marry him,” Kenny read.
Aaron nudged Matt. “You’re all set,” he said. “Just get her to know you’re really a man!”
“Very funny, Aaron,” Matt responded.“For one thing, we don’t know if that’ll really change anything. For another, I kind of already like someone... you know?”
Perfume stood before her great-grandmother, the leader of their amazon tribe. Her great-grandmother was a rather unimposing woman -– she looked like a shrivelled up monkey with a long mane of white hair who hopped around on a stick.
Perfume knew better, however. Only fools would challenge great-grandmother Cologne, either physically or mentally. Three hundred years as an amazon warrior had made her a formidable woman.
Cologne had moved to Japan a while back, and was home visiting the tribe on business. Just my luck, Perfume thought, that great-grandmother would be visiting now.
“You disappoint me, child,” the amazon leader said. “First you challenge someone over a simple pot of water, and then you loose! At thumb wrestling, even! I know you’re not the best warrior in the tribe... in fact, you may be the worst this tribe has seen two thousand years of amazon history, but surely you could have defeated that woman! She looked like one without a day’s training as a warrior!”
Perfume kept her head bowed in shame. There was simply nothing to say. Great-grandmother was right, of course... All of it.
But there was more to come. “And you didn’t even manage to deliver the Kiss of Death.” Cologne sighed. “This is a dark day for our tribe. You’ve brought dishonour to us all. There is only two things you can do.
“One is simple. You can leave our tribe and never come back. The other is not so simple, but the right thing seldom is. You must find this woman, give her the Kiss of Death, and carry out what amazon tribal law demands. Kill her.”
Perfume looked up, a determined look in her face. “I will find her, great-grandmother.” She would find her. She was determined to become a worthy of her great-grandmother’s respect, no matter what it took. She would find the red haired woman, and kill her...
Perfume woke from her dream to find herself still lying on the floor in the church’s kitchen. She rose to her feet, went over to the sink, and splashed herself with cold water.
Perry headed for the door, and then for outside. “I have delivered Kiss of Death,” he said softly. “Now I must kill you.”
squirrel. After the rain had stopped, Matty had considered pausing to prepare some hot water, but their guide had suggested continuing on as there was a village not far ahead and they could get some water there.
Matty continued her trek, tired from the burden of caring not only her stuff, but most of the other’s stuff as well. Bill Gelinas was the only one who had anything else, dragging some of it behind himself on a makeshift sled they’d lashed together.
Her tired pace quickened somewhat when she saw the houses ahead.
“Here, sirs,” the guide said, producing from nowhere the little flip-chart sign he had that told the names of the places he took people, “we come to rustic village, Joketsuzoku.”
“Joe-keh-what?” Matty asked.
“Is village of amazon womans,” the guide continued.
They had come into the village now. It was a small village, but had a prosperous look to it. Women were going to and fro, busy with the tasks of the day. A few men were about, as well.
As they were passing one house, Matty spotted a pot of water boiling over a fire in the back yard. Just what the doctor ordered, she thought. She walked over to it, followed by the others.
She looked around, but didn’t see anyone who she might inquire about the water with. Well, I hate to just take it, but...
Matty grabbed some convenient pot holders, lifted the pot from over the fire, and raised it over her head. Just before she poured, however, Aaron began quacking and batting her ankle with his wing.
Matty turned, still holding the pot over her head. She saw a young Chinese woman, who looked to be in her late teens. She had long hair pulled back in a single ponytail, and features that Matty found to be not at all unappealing, except for one minor detail.
The expression on her face.
She looked pissed.
She began shouting at Matty. Being in Chinese, Matty couldn’t understand a word of it. It just sounded like lyrical gibberish to her. Fortunately, the guide was kind enough to translate.
“’You there! Woman! What you doing with that water!’ she say.”
Matty stood there, dumbfounded. “Um... aren’t you a little upset over water?”
Even though Matty doubted the Chinese girl understood the words, it was clear she seemed to understand the tone they were in. She looked even more pissed.
“Okay, okay. I’m sorry I tried to take your water.” Matty went to put the water back over the fire, but somehow slipped and ended up spilling it over the Chinese girl’s feet.
“Aaaaiiiiiiiiiiiaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!” the girl responded. The water had been near boiling.
She looked more pissed then a group of philosophers spending Saturday evening at the pub.
“Um, uh...” Matty stammered.
The girl said something in a calm and quiet voice that seemed disconcerting paired with the enraged expression on her face. She then adopted what was clearly a fighting stance.
“’Woman, I challenge you!’ she say,”the guide translated.
“Um, uh... hold it! Stop! Cease!” Matty replied. “I’m no amazon warrior! It wouldn’t be a fair fight! How about some other way to settle our differences?”
After the guide translated this for the girl, she smiled slightly. “’What you suggest?’ she say,” the guide translated after she had replied.
Matty tried to think of some alternative that would give her an even chance, and for some reason she could think of only one thing. She almost felt silly suggesting it, and was sure that her opponent would rather just beat her senseless.
Still, it was worth a shot. She stuck out her hand. “Thumb wrestling?”
Before the guide could even translate this for the girl, she took Matty’s hand and raised her thumb up high. Without further ado, the two of them began a series of feints and parries, attempting to lure the other’s thumb into a trap. As the minutes dragged on, it seemed clear that they were somewhat evenly matched.
Matty was close to fed up. She’s had a tough time of it the last few days. It’s not easy suddenly having the ability to change genders... And having to carry most of the gear to boot... The last thing she needed was to be stuck in a stupid thumb wrestling match with an amazon girl over a pot of water!
She almost hated to do it, but there was no alternative. She waited for the amazon girl’s thumb to be in just the right position, and then...
“Sneak attack!” Matty declared as she brought her index finger into play. She pinned down the girl’s thumb with it, and then moved her own thumb in to complete the move.
It was cheep. It was dirty. But it was victory.
The entire village stared at them in stunned silence. Matty noticed for the first time the sizable audience they’d acquired. She almost laughed at the sight of a wrinkled up old woman balanced on some kind of stick, but her attention was diverted as the amazon girl stepped towards her. She cupped Matty’s face in her hands and leaned forward. Matty was surprised when she realized that the girl was about to kiss her...
Just before the girl’s lips made contact, the guide grabbed Matty by the wrist and dragged her away. Mike, Aaron, and the Bills quickly followed.
“Run, sirs! Run quickly!” the guide shouted.
“What the hell’s going on?” Matty not quite politely inquired.
“That one trying to give you the Kiss of Death! Terrible tragedy if she succeed! Terrible tragedy!”
“Kiss of death?” Kirstin asked. “What is this, a mobster movie?”
Kenny produced the same ancient Chinese book he’d read from when asking about Jusenkyo all those months ago.“According to Chinese Amazon Tribal Law,” he read, “if a woman warrior is defeated by an outsider, and that outsider is a woman, the warrior must give that woman the ‘Kiss of Death’ and kill her without delay.”
“What happens if the outsider is a man?” Gelinas asked.
“Then she must marry him,” Kenny read.
Aaron nudged Matt. “You’re all set,” he said. “Just get her to know you’re really a man!”
“Very funny, Aaron,” Matt responded.“For one thing, we don’t know if that’ll really change anything. For another, I kind of already like someone... you know?”
Perfume stood before her great-grandmother, the leader of their amazon tribe. Her great-grandmother was a rather unimposing woman -– she looked like a shrivelled up monkey with a long mane of white hair who hopped around on a stick.
Perfume knew better, however. Only fools would challenge great-grandmother Cologne, either physically or mentally. Three hundred years as an amazon warrior had made her a formidable woman.
Cologne had moved to Japan a while back, and was home visiting the tribe on business. Just my luck, Perfume thought, that great-grandmother would be visiting now.
“You disappoint me, child,” the amazon leader said. “First you challenge someone over a simple pot of water, and then you loose! At thumb wrestling, even! I know you’re not the best warrior in the tribe... in fact, you may be the worst this tribe has seen two thousand years of amazon history, but surely you could have defeated that woman! She looked like one without a day’s training as a warrior!”
Perfume kept her head bowed in shame. There was simply nothing to say. Great-grandmother was right, of course... All of it.
But there was more to come. “And you didn’t even manage to deliver the Kiss of Death.” Cologne sighed. “This is a dark day for our tribe. You’ve brought dishonour to us all. There is only two things you can do.
“One is simple. You can leave our tribe and never come back. The other is not so simple, but the right thing seldom is. You must find this woman, give her the Kiss of Death, and carry out what amazon tribal law demands. Kill her.”
Perfume looked up, a determined look in her face. “I will find her, great-grandmother.” She would find her. She was determined to become a worthy of her great-grandmother’s respect, no matter what it took. She would find the red haired woman, and kill her...
Perfume woke from her dream to find herself still lying on the floor in the church’s kitchen. She rose to her feet, went over to the sink, and splashed herself with cold water.
Perry headed for the door, and then for outside. “I have delivered Kiss of Death,” he said softly. “Now I must kill you.”
Act Three: Back At Jusenkyo
“So she chased us all over China,” Matt explained. “Everywhere we went. We even doubled back on ourselves hoping that would shake her off. No such luck. When we got on the plane and headed back for the USA, we thought we were finely free of her...”
“I guess we thought wrong,” Aaron said.
“Only one thing confuses me,” Gelinas said.
“Only one thing?” Hughes asked.
Gelinas ignored the quip from the other Bill. “Why can Perfume turn into a boy?”
Matt, Mike, Aaron, and the Bills, along with Kenny, sat in thought. They sat in thought for a bit longer. Then, they sat in thought for some more. Kirstin had had enough.
Once again, it was up to the female to point out the obvious things that the males had somehow missed.
“You said you doubled back on yourselves in your attempts to loose her, yes?” Kirstin asked.
“Yes,” Matt, Mike, Aaron, and the Bills responded, still not sure where she was going with this, even thought the only way it could be more obvious was if she held up a huge neon sign saying, “DUH!”
Kirstin sighed. “Tell me,” she asked, already quite sure of the answer, “when you doubled back, did you return to that training ground of cursed springs at all?"
“Yes,” Matt, Mike, Aaron, and the Bills responded in the very same tone they had just used.
Kirstin again sighed, longer this time.“Well, then, do you think it’s at all possible that she might have followed you there?!”
“I suppose it’s remotely possible,”Mike said.
“It very possible,” Perry said.
The others jumped back in surprise, unaware that the Chinese boy... girl... whatever... had joined them.
Perfume walked out of the forest onto a small ledge overlooking a valley full of springs. Judging by the bamboo poles jutting from the springs, it seemed to be some kind of training ground.
Where are they? She knew she was a few days behind them, but she was sure they had come this way.
She made her way down into the valley. There was little sign of life, other then a small house off to one side. Probably the house of whoever guards this training ground, she thought.
She stopped at the edge of one of the springs as she heard a loud commotion from the sky, and looked up to see a duck flying overhead, quacking for all it was worth. She had a duck with her,Perfume thought. She is here!
She then heard some shouting from off to the side. It was a foreign language... perhaps English? Perfume knew some English, and tried to work out what was being said.
“That’s Aaron’s warning signal! Let’s get out of here!” was the best she could come up with. As it so happens, she was exactly right. That’s what one of the four people she saw out of the corner of her eye who were quickly running in her direction had shouted.
Running in her direction?
Three young men were running in her direction, along with the accursed red haired woman. They hadn’t noticed her.
They were running in her direction. They hadn’t noticed her. She was standing right on the edge of one of the springs.
Uh oh! was the only thought she had time for before she hit the water. As she fell, images of red hair, plaid flannel, a grubby red hat, and a vacant expression flashed through her mind.
An instant later, she was completely submerged. When she came to the surface again, she immediately noticed something was amiss. Or rather, he noticed something amiss. She was a guy.
“Aaaaiiiiiiiiiiiaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!” he exclaimed, even louder then when the red haired woman had spilled the water on his, or rather her feet.
Immediately, a heavyset man that he recognized as the red haired woman’s guide appeared, holding up a sign saying,“Nanniichuan.”
“Oh, how very unfortunate,” he said to her. “You seem to have fallen in the spring of drowned man. There is quite the tragic legend about this spring, concerning a young man who drowned here one thousand, six hundred years ago. Now, whoever has the misfortune to fall into this spring takes upon herself the body of a young man.”
Perfume blinked at him a couple of times, before he said, “Aaaaiiiiiiiiiiiaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!”
“You know,” Gelinas said, “that is a very interesting story, and all, but why have you spent all of this time telling us this when Matt’s right here and you could be killing him?”
Matt shot Bill a dirty look. It was a look so dirty that he didn’t have to say the words. Bill knew to shut up.
“Is very interesting question,” Perry responded. “Here answer. Four others with Matt. Duck, dog, cat, squirrel. Duck distract me, and other three help knock me into spring. Where they? I kill them, too.”
“I think you’re missing a point, here,”Aaron said, suddenly eager to change the subject. “If Matty is really Matt, then you were defeated by a man, and not a woman...”
“Aaron, I don’t think...” Matt started to warn.
Aaron continued. “Doesn’t that mean you have to marry him?”
All eyes turned to Perry. Perry’s eyes narrowed to dangerous little slits. “I no think so,” he said. “When Matt defeat me, Matt was woman. I still kill! I kill others, too! Where they?”
Perry looked them over, slowly watching for any sign they might know something.
Then he noticed it. He noticed Mike’s grubby, red Troop 192 cap. He noticed the plaid flannel jacked Hughes wore over his uniform. He noticed the vacant expression that oft graced Gelinas’s face.
“Was you!” Perfume exclaimed.
“I thought I bumped into something,”Hughes pondered.
Perry shot a finger at Aaron. “You duck?” he demanded.
“Um, yes,” Aaron responded, immediately followed by, “No!” He then finished off with, “D’oh!”
Perry rose menacingly, cracking his knuckles. He took up a fighting pose, and stared into the nervous faces of Mike, Aaron, Matt, and the Bills. “Now you die,” he said.
He charged at them, tripped on his shoelace, spun around as he fell, and landed on his back with a dull thud, dazed.
Matt, Mike, Aaron, Hughes, Gelinas, Kenny, and Kirstin stood and walked away.
“Well,” Matt said, “this explains why she didn’t turn down thumb wrestling...”
“This could get interesting,” Mike commented.
Aaron sighed. “This could get ugly.”
“I guess we thought wrong,” Aaron said.
“Only one thing confuses me,” Gelinas said.
“Only one thing?” Hughes asked.
Gelinas ignored the quip from the other Bill. “Why can Perfume turn into a boy?”
Matt, Mike, Aaron, and the Bills, along with Kenny, sat in thought. They sat in thought for a bit longer. Then, they sat in thought for some more. Kirstin had had enough.
Once again, it was up to the female to point out the obvious things that the males had somehow missed.
“You said you doubled back on yourselves in your attempts to loose her, yes?” Kirstin asked.
“Yes,” Matt, Mike, Aaron, and the Bills responded, still not sure where she was going with this, even thought the only way it could be more obvious was if she held up a huge neon sign saying, “DUH!”
Kirstin sighed. “Tell me,” she asked, already quite sure of the answer, “when you doubled back, did you return to that training ground of cursed springs at all?"
“Yes,” Matt, Mike, Aaron, and the Bills responded in the very same tone they had just used.
Kirstin again sighed, longer this time.“Well, then, do you think it’s at all possible that she might have followed you there?!”
“I suppose it’s remotely possible,”Mike said.
“It very possible,” Perry said.
The others jumped back in surprise, unaware that the Chinese boy... girl... whatever... had joined them.
Perfume walked out of the forest onto a small ledge overlooking a valley full of springs. Judging by the bamboo poles jutting from the springs, it seemed to be some kind of training ground.
Where are they? She knew she was a few days behind them, but she was sure they had come this way.
She made her way down into the valley. There was little sign of life, other then a small house off to one side. Probably the house of whoever guards this training ground, she thought.
She stopped at the edge of one of the springs as she heard a loud commotion from the sky, and looked up to see a duck flying overhead, quacking for all it was worth. She had a duck with her,Perfume thought. She is here!
She then heard some shouting from off to the side. It was a foreign language... perhaps English? Perfume knew some English, and tried to work out what was being said.
“That’s Aaron’s warning signal! Let’s get out of here!” was the best she could come up with. As it so happens, she was exactly right. That’s what one of the four people she saw out of the corner of her eye who were quickly running in her direction had shouted.
Running in her direction?
Three young men were running in her direction, along with the accursed red haired woman. They hadn’t noticed her.
They were running in her direction. They hadn’t noticed her. She was standing right on the edge of one of the springs.
Uh oh! was the only thought she had time for before she hit the water. As she fell, images of red hair, plaid flannel, a grubby red hat, and a vacant expression flashed through her mind.
An instant later, she was completely submerged. When she came to the surface again, she immediately noticed something was amiss. Or rather, he noticed something amiss. She was a guy.
“Aaaaiiiiiiiiiiiaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!” he exclaimed, even louder then when the red haired woman had spilled the water on his, or rather her feet.
Immediately, a heavyset man that he recognized as the red haired woman’s guide appeared, holding up a sign saying,“Nanniichuan.”
“Oh, how very unfortunate,” he said to her. “You seem to have fallen in the spring of drowned man. There is quite the tragic legend about this spring, concerning a young man who drowned here one thousand, six hundred years ago. Now, whoever has the misfortune to fall into this spring takes upon herself the body of a young man.”
Perfume blinked at him a couple of times, before he said, “Aaaaiiiiiiiiiiiaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!”
“You know,” Gelinas said, “that is a very interesting story, and all, but why have you spent all of this time telling us this when Matt’s right here and you could be killing him?”
Matt shot Bill a dirty look. It was a look so dirty that he didn’t have to say the words. Bill knew to shut up.
“Is very interesting question,” Perry responded. “Here answer. Four others with Matt. Duck, dog, cat, squirrel. Duck distract me, and other three help knock me into spring. Where they? I kill them, too.”
“I think you’re missing a point, here,”Aaron said, suddenly eager to change the subject. “If Matty is really Matt, then you were defeated by a man, and not a woman...”
“Aaron, I don’t think...” Matt started to warn.
Aaron continued. “Doesn’t that mean you have to marry him?”
All eyes turned to Perry. Perry’s eyes narrowed to dangerous little slits. “I no think so,” he said. “When Matt defeat me, Matt was woman. I still kill! I kill others, too! Where they?”
Perry looked them over, slowly watching for any sign they might know something.
Then he noticed it. He noticed Mike’s grubby, red Troop 192 cap. He noticed the plaid flannel jacked Hughes wore over his uniform. He noticed the vacant expression that oft graced Gelinas’s face.
“Was you!” Perfume exclaimed.
“I thought I bumped into something,”Hughes pondered.
Perry shot a finger at Aaron. “You duck?” he demanded.
“Um, yes,” Aaron responded, immediately followed by, “No!” He then finished off with, “D’oh!”
Perry rose menacingly, cracking his knuckles. He took up a fighting pose, and stared into the nervous faces of Mike, Aaron, Matt, and the Bills. “Now you die,” he said.
He charged at them, tripped on his shoelace, spun around as he fell, and landed on his back with a dull thud, dazed.
Matt, Mike, Aaron, Hughes, Gelinas, Kenny, and Kirstin stood and walked away.
“Well,” Matt said, “this explains why she didn’t turn down thumb wrestling...”
“This could get interesting,” Mike commented.
Aaron sighed. “This could get ugly.”
Disclaimer
As usual, certain members of Troop 192 are based on real persons. Other members, as well as all of the Girl Scouts, are completely fictitious.
Some may note the inconsistency in the flashbacks to China, where the name “Matty”and the female pronoun “she” are used, when neither of these were used for female Matt until part 3. The reason for this inconsistency was because I thought it would be more confusing overall if in the flashback I reverted to calling her Matt and using the male pronoun. Also, if anyone wonders why the Jusenkyo guide speaks so eloquently to Perfume, it’s simply because they are communicating in Chinese, which they of course know much better then English, as Chinese is their native language.
Special thanks to members of the Abert Clan for information concerning Girl Scouting.
The Jusenkyo curses are inspired by Rumiko Takahashi’s Ranma ½.The characters of the Jusenkyo guide and Cologne, and the locations of Jusenkyo and Joketsuzoku are also from Ranma ½.
This story was written without the consent of the Boy Scouts of America, and in fact, if they were to find out about it, they’d probably make aliens come down and give me an anal probe, implanting an explosive device up there, setting causing it to go off next time I felt I had to go to the bathroom. All those offended by that last sentence, please write to:
Complaints
Building 17F
West Charlsburg
Essex, England 4F2 Z1B
Thank you.
Some may note the inconsistency in the flashbacks to China, where the name “Matty”and the female pronoun “she” are used, when neither of these were used for female Matt until part 3. The reason for this inconsistency was because I thought it would be more confusing overall if in the flashback I reverted to calling her Matt and using the male pronoun. Also, if anyone wonders why the Jusenkyo guide speaks so eloquently to Perfume, it’s simply because they are communicating in Chinese, which they of course know much better then English, as Chinese is their native language.
Special thanks to members of the Abert Clan for information concerning Girl Scouting.
The Jusenkyo curses are inspired by Rumiko Takahashi’s Ranma ½.The characters of the Jusenkyo guide and Cologne, and the locations of Jusenkyo and Joketsuzoku are also from Ranma ½.
This story was written without the consent of the Boy Scouts of America, and in fact, if they were to find out about it, they’d probably make aliens come down and give me an anal probe, implanting an explosive device up there, setting causing it to go off next time I felt I had to go to the bathroom. All those offended by that last sentence, please write to:
Complaints
Building 17F
West Charlsburg
Essex, England 4F2 Z1B
Thank you.