part 29:
Un Tramonto sul un'altra Estate
by William Hughes
©2006 by William Hughes and Matthew Atanian
Boy Scouts ½ created by Matthew Atanian
Un Tramonto sul un'altra Estate
by William Hughes
©2006 by William Hughes and Matthew Atanian
Boy Scouts ½ created by Matthew Atanian
Hughes knew he was in trouble. He hadn't eaten or drank in the past six days. He was beginning to have hallucinations. At first they were perfectly normal hallucinations – colors, sounds, the Dark Lord of the Nether Realms offering tea and crumpets, but this was really the last straw.
Hughes was, in his hallucination, sitting in a room aboard a massive space ship. That, in and of itself, was not too terribly weird to Hughes' mind.
It was the big metal H on his forehead that really got him. That wasn't the only thing weird about his new appearance, he had noted when he had first woken up. His ears were more pointed, and his canines were elongated, like a cat's. On top of that, he was wearing a loud, pink suit with black tie, something that would have done Rick James proud. It did not look good on Hughes.
It was the H, though, that really got him. He kept poking it, tugging on it, trying to get rid of it, but to no avail. After some time, he sighed, sat down, and gave up.
A moment later, he was startled from his self pity and the mechanical mouse he had found and was playing with, by a loud scream from out in the hall.
"Aow!" the scream went. More of a yowl, really, Hughes decided. He stood up and looked out into the hall.
A man, a tall man, wearing a zebra-striped zoot-suit and sporting the best pompadour Hughes had ever seen, was walking--no, not walking--strutting
down the hall.
"Hey, buddy!" the man said, grinning widely at Hughes. He had teeth just like the ones the boy scout had woken up with. "Glad to see you finally awake! Aow! It worked!"
"That... that suit..." Hughes said, staring at the other in some strange mix of horror and adulation. "It's... terrifying... it's... the worst suit I've ever seen.
It's... making me talk... like Bill Shatner... But... on you it... looks... right." He looked up at the man. "You must teach me your secrets! Your hair, tell me! How did you get it so perfect?"
Matt hadn't meant to be Matty. To be fair, she had never meant to fall into an ancient accursed Spring in the middle of China and gain the ability to turn into a girl at all.
To be fair, Matty supposed that it would be a great party trick, if she ever went to parties.
However, Matty didn't go to parties and, if she did, he probably wouldn't find a good time to demonstrate that particular little party trick anyway.
She noted, with some distaste, that she was still Matty.
She had become separated from the other scouts while chasing Proctor's hamsters, and somehow wound up in the forest near Cabin Three. Then she had tripped and found herself rolling down a small bank into the Boulder Brook. And to top it all off, something was now wriggling her pocket. She reached in and pulled out, among other things, a small, fuzzy hamster, tan and white, pigging out on the remains of her final Snickers bar.
Matty picked herself up and squeezed out her hat, sighing quietly to herself. She looked up and stretched and then began towards Cabin Three, figuring that she would just sneak back to camp, get herself some hot water, and change back.
She turned toward the nature trail, intending on taking it back to Hill Road. Matty was a good boy scout, and she knew better than to wander blindly through the woods towards Cabin Three, even if it would be a shorter walk and she knew that she could probably get there without any problems.
"My goddess!"
Matty closed her eyes. She knew that voice anywhere.
"I knew you would come to me!"
"Dammit, Kuntz!" Matty yelled, turning around to face the crazy scout. "Stop following me!"
"But, I'm not following you," Kuntz protested, still smiling crazily. "You have come to me! Let me serenade you!" He cleared his throat, pulled out a rumpled piece of paper from his rumpled scout uniform, vainly attempted to uncrumple the paper, and began to read, badly: "Geek of the spring, and poison of the year, the one dot shadows in your beauty snow! The other as your booty dots appear; And you in every blessed shape we know. In all external grits you have some snot, But you like buns, buns you, for you're so hot!" He looked up from the paper. "I changed it a little, you know, made it better for you."
"You what?"
"Now, give me a kiss, hotlips!"
Billy and Aaron were lost. They had been chasing the damn hamster for almost an hour now, and they were nowhere near close to finding it.
"Hey, let's try up there," Aaron said, pointing up a small embankment, "I read somewhere that hamsters are natural climbers and like to live on higher ground, like eagles."
"Like eagles," Billy repeated, giving Aaron the death stare.
"Quit looking at me like that," Aaron said, pulling himself up and further into the woods. "Besides, I think I can see tracks."
"You've found hamster tracks? Come on, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard..."
“I didn't say hamster tracks.”
Mike was by himself. He knew that Cabin Three lay somewhere close at hand — he knew that he was in the general area.
Of course, he was also totally lost. As a boy scout, and a good boy scout at that, Mike knew that he was going in circles. There was a rock that he secretly suspected was following him. He glared darkly at the rock.
The rock had the perfect poker face. To Mike, it looked cold as stone, like it was carved from rock. He couldn't read the damn thing at all.
Mike sighed and sat on the rock.
"Alright," he said, after a time. "Where is everyone?"
Something near his feet chittered and squeaked at him, and he tilted his head down to peer into the thick grass. A tiny, greyish-brown hamster scampered out and tried to climb up his pant leg. Mike reached down and picked up the rodent in his hands, lifting it up to the sky. "I call you... Muad'Dib!"
The hamster chirped in reply and began to nibble on one of Mike's fingers.
Mike started to scold the small rodent, when suddenly a loud scream rent the air. He leapt up, stuffing Muad'Dib into a pocket as he rushed off towards the yelling.
Hughes examined himself in the mirror. He wouldn't have thought it — and neither did the human, the hologram or the computer, although the cat and the toaster were on his side — but the pink tie did match with the gaudy, tiger-striped suit. It really brought everything together.
The hologram was going to have a fit.
He frowned a little bit, and reached for the large, felt hat the other feline had given him. He put it on and examined himself in the mirror.
"No," he said, "No, the feather really is just way too much."
"See, I told you Cabin Three was here," Aaron said, pointing proudly at the slightly fire damaged cabin. Billy glared at him.
He opened his mouth to say something, then blinked and moved closer to the cabin, peering in the window. "Hey, is there someone in there?"
"What?" Aaron asked, stepping up next to Billy. "My god, there is! Two of them, see?"
Inside of the cabin, two people were tied, deep inside of the shadows. They struggled, every now and again, but were basically still.
"Come on, Bill, we've got to rescue them!"
"What? No, wait a minute! Damn it, Aaron, we're Boy Scouts, not rescuers! We need to get an adult out here."
"Shut up, Bill," Aaron replied, absentmindedly, "And tell me how to get this window open."
Billy turned and was about to level Aaron with a scathing remark — a single statement so unbelievably, incredibly sarcastic that the very earth would tremble, poets would later compose entire epics based upon only the first three words of the remark! — but was cut off before the first syllable was formed by a piercing scream. Matt and Aaron took one look at each other before turning and running towards the noise.
Matty had nowhere to run. Kuntz was almost upon her. She could count the pores in his greasy face. She whimpered softly, her back pressed up against a large tree as she cast about for some way out. Anything, anything at all!
"Hey, Kuntz!" Matty and the greasy boy scout both turned to see Mike, he rolled down the hill, grabbed something off the ground as he spun to his feet, using the leverage from the roll to toss the heavy object.
Kuntz grunted as something containing an extended amount of mass collided forcefully with the back of his head, knocking him unconscious.
“Oh, thank god,” Matty said, rubbing her face.
“Matt!” Aaron called, sliding down the embankment towards them, “Are you okay?” Billy yelled as he leapt over the
“Fine,” Matty replied, stepping over the prone Kuntz. She reached down and picked up the heavy object that head dented Kuntz' thick skull. “Uh, Mike? Where'd you get this?”
Mike blinked and peered. “Kiwi-Mocha Fruit Juice? I thought that was a rock.”
Aaron opened his mouth to say something but was cut short as Billy cackled, whipping out a tiny notebook and jotted something down. He grinned darkly at Mike. “Soon, soon,” he said, and then cackled again.
“What's with Bill?” Matty asked.
“He's going insane,” Mike replied, shrugging a bit.
“Did we find all the hamsters?” Aaron asked, quickly changing the subject.
“I've got one,” Matt replied, fishing it out of her pocket. It was wearing the remains of the Snickers wrapper as a hat.
“I give you,” Mike said, holding up the hamster, “Muad'Dib! The Sleeper has awakened!” And, indeed, the sleeping hamster uncurled and wriggled his whiskers, wondering, in his tiny hamster brain, what all the yelling was about.
“You're weird,” Billy said. Matty and Aaron nodded their agreement.
“Thank you. I practice.”
Hughes had it down now. He and the other feline were strutting down the hall, marking things as theirs. To keep things simple, Hughes took the left side, and the other took the right side. The larger cat kept sneaking over to mark things Hughes had already marked as his, but Hughes had his number.
He kept sneaking to the other side to do the exact same thing.
"Okay," Matt, no longer Matty, said, crossing his arms. "You say there's two people tied up inside of Cabin Three."
"Yup," Aaron responded.
"And you say that we have to go rescue them," Mike continued, frowning softly.
"Or go get an adult," Billy muttered.
"Matt is an adult, you crouton," Aaron responded. Billy was momentarily stunned. No one had ever called him a crouton before.
"Alright, look," Matt said, adjusting his hat before turning and looking towards Cabin Three. "We'll go, check it out, and see if we can help, and if it's too dangerous, we can just send someone back to get help.”
“They fall for it!” Perry said, chuckling darkly to himself. Soon, soon, all would be complete. He pulled out a bright red cloth and waved it furiously. Moments later, a similar cloth fluttered in the woods across from him.
And then there was loud cackling.
“Um, was that giant crane there before?” Billy asked, pointing up at the construction equipment parked behind the cabin. “Also, does anyone else hear cackling?”
“I don't know. I don't think you can see it from anywhere else,” Aaron replied, ducking around the sides of Cabin Three to check. “No, it's completely
invisible except from right here.”
“That's just weird,” Mike said, poking the crane. “I wonder what it's for?”
The scouts were silent for a long moment, startled out of it only by a familiar voice.
“Aha!” the voice said, in a thick Chinese accent and bad grammar, “Perry get you now! I... Aiya, nar? Tamen shi nar ma?”
“Perry?” Aaron called. Billy hit in him the shoulder.
“Don't call him, you... you... you duck!”
Perry dashed around the cabin and growled at the scouts.
“Hi, Perry,” Mike waved. “Where'd you get the crane?”
“Internet.” Perry shook his head and growled again, pointing his finger at them. “You think you foil my plan! I will still win! Now, Kuntz!”
There was a long silence. Aaron cleared his throat.
“Uh, Perry?” Mike said.
“You quiet!” Perry shouted. “Kuntz! Now!”
“Perry?” Matt said, as kindly as he could. “Kuntz is in the forest, unconscious due to kiwi-mocha fruit juice wounds.”
“Kiwi mocha... fruit juice...” Perry said, staring in unbelief. He shook his head and growled. “It no matter!” He leapt forward, aiming for the crane.
There was a sudden click and Perry stopped and stared down. He sighed. “Cao wo,” he said, very softly, to himself. There was another click, and then a net snapped up, trapping Perry inside. The crane rumbled to life and began to hoist the net upwards, then turned and began to rumble off in the direction of the waterfront.
“We've got to go after him,” Aaron said, starting to run off.
“But he's trying to kill us!” Billy protested. He squeaked as Mike grabbed one of his arms and Matt the other.
“We've got to save him!” Matt said, and hauled Billy away, running after the runaway crane.
The crane was careening out of control through the forest, tearing a wild hole through the trees as it headed towards the not-too distant lake. Perry remarked quietly to himself that it really ought to have been the Jusenkyo scouts trapped in this net, about to be drowned in the unused waterfront.
Well, Perry remarked silently to himself, at least it would be an interesting death.
“Perry and the crane went this way,” Aaron said, kneeling in the dirt and gently prodding some tracks.
“How clearly astute of you,” Billy replied, looking up at the wide swath of destroyed forest.
Matt shook his head. “Are we gaining on him, I can't tell?”
“No,” Billy said looking down the ruined path the crane had caused.
“We'll never catch up to him at this rate,” Matt said. He pointed to the left. “This way, I know a short-cut.”
“It's going in a straight line, straight towards the lake,” Billy complained, “How can there be any short-cuts?”
“Shut up, Bill!”
“Are you sure this is going to work, Sir?” Proctor asked as he finished applying the last of the mud and sticks.
“Shut up,” Justy replied irritably as he examined his hench‑scout's handiwork. “This is your fault for losing the damn hamsters in the first place.”
“Yes, Sir,” Proctor said, quietly, letting his face hang. He stood back from his masterpiece. “Finished, Captain.”
“It will do.”
“Where are we?” Mike asked.
“Almost there,” was Matt's only response, but he didn't sound too confident.
They burst through the woods and suddenly found themselves in a clearing, empty except for a gigantic, gray, metal ring standing upright, smack dead in the middle. All the scouts, Matt included, stopped and stared for a good long time.
“Is this what you were aiming for?” Mike asked, his voice hushed in reverence.
Matt shrugged. “I thought I’d seen Kenny up this way a day or so ago, thought he might be able to help us. But I don’t see him here.”
“Is that what I think that is?” Aaron said. Indicating the circular structure.
“No,” Mike replied, shaking his head. “It only looks like one.”
“It's really a magic doorway to alternate dimensions,” Matt added. “I'm just surprised to see it here.”
“Mr. Atanian?”
Everyone turned. Kenny had just come up behind them, lugging a large bundle of wires.
“Kenny?” Matt blinked, responding in exactly the same tone of disbelief as their young super-genius friend.
“Should you be working on a merit badge, Kenny?” Aaron noted.
“I am,” Kenny replied. “The 'Advanced Theoretical Quantum Astrophysics' Badge.” He held up the merit badge book—it featured Stephen Hawking staring out at them from the cover.
“I didn't know that was a badge,” Billy said, suspiciously.
“I had to get special permission,” Kenny confessed, “to do it at Summer Camp.” He shrugged a little bit. “Oh, and this one doesn’t go to alternate dimensions,” He added. “I’ve been doing some work on theories involving instantaneous travel within this plane of existence, and just decided to use the same motif.”
“So it is what I thought it was,” Aaron said, glaring at Mike.
“I guess,” Mike shrugged.
“I’m having some difficulty,” Kenny said with a sigh. “I’ve only managed to have success over short distances.
Mike grinned suddenly. “Can we ask a favor, Kenny?”
“Alright, now what?” Justy asked, crossing his arms.
“We lure the Garden Snake patrol to the three hamsters, sir.” Proctor frowned. “Do you hear something, Captain? Like thunder?”
“And once they're at the hamsters?”
“Uh, Perry said he and Kuntz would take it from there, Captain.”
“Good. Good. How will we know when he's in position?”
“He's supposed to signal us with a red flag, Sir, then we do the same with our own. It should be right... uh... where did it go? Sir, did you see our red flag?”
“Fantastic,” Justy said, letting out the faintest of cackles. “Now what?”
“N-now, Sir? Uh, we wait for the Garden Snake Patrol.”
“Excellent.”
There was a bright light and a sudden splash-like noise.
“Uh, Captain? Did you just see a huge flash of like, like a... gack!” The reason for Proctor's gack was this: as he was turning to see what the light was, someone stuffed a hamster into his mouth. This was quite a problem for Proctor for, as he struggled valiantly to spit the living gag out, the hamster, scared out of its tiny little mind, kept trying to squirm further in.
“Mwahahahahaha!” Justy cackled, paying not the least bit of attention to, well, anything. “Proctor, my slave, go now and lure the Garden Snakes! Lure them so that they may be crushed once and for all!”
“Lure us where, now?”
“To the three hamsters, of course. Haven't you been paying attention?” Justy grunted and shook his head. “Where Peon #18 will kill those miserable Garden Snakes! Do you hear a rumbling noise, Proctor? Like Thunder?” Justy turned and found him face to face with the majority of the Garden Snake patrol, Proctor leaning against a tree as he frantically tried to stop the hamster from climbing down his throat.
“Hi, Justy,” Aaron said.
“You!” Justy cried, pulling out his baton and swinging it as hard as he could. He hit Billy just above his ear.
“Ow,” Billy replied, rubbing his head and glaring at Justy.
“Oh, sorry,” Justy said, “Batteries must be dead, one moment.”
“Batteries?” Mike asked, looking up at Matt, who shrugged.
Justy fiddled with the baton for a moment, finally managing to pop the bottom off, where two triple A batteries popped out. He pulled them out and slide two new ones in, swishing the baton about. “Ah, there we go. Proctor got it for me for my birthday. Here we go!” He smacked Billy again, and there was a loud zap and an arc of blue lightning.
“Ow!” Billy said again. Justy leaned back and cackled loudly for a few minutes, as the rumbling got louder and louder.
“And now!” Justy declared, pointing his electric baton at the Garden Snake patrol. “Peon #18! Now!”
There was no response.
“Uh, Justy?” Mike said.
“Shut up!” Justy barked, angrily. “Perry! Now!”
“Justy?” Matt said, as kindly as he could, “Perry is in the forest, trapped in a runaway crane headed straight for the lake.”
“Oh,” Justy replied, blinking a little bit. He shrugged. “Then I shall destroy you myself!” He raised his baton and began to cackle again.
“Aow!” something called from the trees, leaping forward. Everyone, Justy included, turned to look.
“What is that?” Aaron asked, shielding his eyes.
“It's a bird!”
“It's a... tiger?” Billy blinked, rubbing his eyes. “It's a... tiger wearing a bright pink tie with a red scarf on its arms?”
The tiger yowled again before landing on Justy's head. The SPL grunted softly as he was knocked unconscious, the tiger flipping gracefully backwards and landing on its back feet.
And then it adjusted its tie.
“It's... Hughes?” Matt said, incredulously.
“In the flesh,” Hughes said, grinning widely. He began to strut artfully.
“What the hell are you wearing?” Aaron asked, staring in horror at the tiger-striped suit, oddly complimented by the bright pink tie, “And why does it look far less horrible than it should?”
“Where have you been?” Billy demanded, looking around suspiciously, “And why do you have a beard?”
Hughes reached up and pulled the beard off, tossing it away. “It's fake,” he said, still ginning like a Cheshire cat. “And I've been on Walkabout, journeying through the untamed wilderness until I met myself and gained a greater understanding of my subconscious.” He pulled out a spray-bottle and sprayed a nearby tree. “Mine.”
“So,” Matt said, poking the fake beard with the tip of his boot. “Did you meet yourself?”
“Yup,” Hughes replied. “And I learned something. I'm an asshole.” The other scouts shrugged at each other. Hughes grinned and then let out a soft ooh as he spotted three giant hamsters, made from mud and sticks. “Dinner!” he cried. “Better stalk 'em. Here,” He pulled something out of his pocket and tossed it carelessly to Aaron, “I was keeping that for later, but I guess you can have it.” Hughes slipped behind a tree and began to creep up on the fake hamsters, making no noise.
“Hey,” Aaron said, looking at the slightly rumpled hamster in his hands. “We've got all three now.” He passed it to Proctor, who finally managed to spit the shivering, now very damp rodent in his mouth out. He smiled brightly and hugged the two hamsters close to his chest.
“Here,” Mike said, passing Proctor the third and final hamster. “His name is Muad'Dib.”
“What does that mean?”
“It is the mouse shadow on the second moon,” Mike replied, cryptically.
“Hey,” Billy said, “That rumbling's getting louder. Think it's Perry?”
“Probably,” Matt replied. “Kenny! Now!”
There was no response.
“Uh oh,” Matt muttered to himself. “Kenny! We need it, now!”
The crane, Perry still dangling from the net, barreled into view.
There was a tense moment and then, suddenly, a massive robot dropped from above, firing its rocket jets at the last moment to prevent a crash landing. The robot, short and squat, took the full brunt of the crane, sliding back a few feet as it tried to stop the crane from moving.
“Sorry I'm late,” Kenny said, walking up behind the scouts, a massive joystick in his hands. “I don't think my mech can hold the crane back for long, though.”
“On it,” Aaron said, dashing between the robot's legs and climbing up into the crane body. He began to fiddle with the levers.
“What did you have that for?” Mike asked Kenny about the mech.
“Oh, you know, to help with gate construction,” Kenny explained.
Aaron’s fiddling apparently had some success as the crane halted in its forward motion. Perry, no longer in immediately danger, pointed down at the three mud-hamsters, just as Hughes leapt from cover for one of them. “What that?” he demanded.
It was Proctor who answered. “Those are the three hamsters you wanted us to lure the Garden Snake Patrol to.”
“What? Perry want Garden Snakes lured to three hamster!” Perry yelled, pointing back towards Cabin Three.
“Those are three hamsters,” Proctor replied, looking confused. Perry blinked and pulled out his Chinese – English, English – Chinese pocket dictionary, and opened to the proper page, which read thus:
cang: cabin
cangshu: hamster
“Oh,” Perry said. He growled and peered down at Proctor again. “Why you signal back, if Garden Snakes not in position?”
“Signal back? We've been here this entire time,” Proctor protested. “I lost my red flag somewhere in the forest.”
“You mean this?” Hughes asked, waving the red scarf tied to his arm. “I found it, back there, and saw someone else waving one. I just wanted to fit in, man.”
“But... Perry hear cackling!” the Chinese boy scout protested.
“Me,” Hughes said, raising his hand. “It seemed like the right thing to do. I mean, I had just found this awesome lunch.” He pointed at one of the hamsters. “It seemed right to let it know who was gonna eat it.”
“Hughes,” Mike said, “no eating the hamsters.”
Aaron finally managed to carefully lower the Perry-filled net to the ground and turn off the crane’s engine. “That,” he said, as he hopped out of the crane, “Is my final requirement for the Farm Mechanics merit badge.”
“How?” Billy asked.
“'Explain how power is produced or transferred in: a diesel engine and a hydraulic system.'” Aaron said, with some satisfaction. He pointed at the crane. “Thirty seconds with that thing, and I finally get how it all works.”
Perry, in the meanwhile, had pulled himself free of the net. He stared at the Garden Snakes for a long moment, before he turned and stormed off into the wilderness.
“Alright,” Matt said, shrugging a little bit. “Everyone accounted for? All hamsters are here? Good. Let's go home.”
Crown Point was busy getting ready for the campfire, only a few short hours away. Aaron was trying to get Hughes to get rid of the very loud, zebra-striped suit he was wearing. “We’re supposed to be getting into class A’s.”
“Are you saying that this suit is anything less?” Hughes demanded.
Aaron could only sigh.
Becker appeared from the woods, having gotten separated from the rest of the Garden Snakes during the initial hamster chase and only now having found his way back. He was talking animatedly to himself, seemingly quite annoyed. He was interrupted by Swett who immediately started telling him his idea for a joke he wanted to tell at the campfire. Like everyone else Swett had tried to convince, Becker told him it was a bad idea.
“How's your list going?” Mike asked Billy, who was crouched behind one of the picnic tables, near Matt's tent.
“Well, only two more things left to cross off.”
“Oh?” Billy nodded in response. Mike scratched his head.
There was a scream and a thud from Matt's tent.
“One more thing to cross off,” Billy said. They opened the flap to Matt's tent, and found him, unconscious on the floor, a massive cardboard cut-out of Sarah holding a butcher knife propped up in the corner. “'Matt will swoon over Sarah',” Billy repeated, pulling out the notebook and crossing that entry off.
“Where the hell did you get a giant cut-out of Sarah with a knife?”
Billy just smiled and pointed out the door. “Come on, we need to get ready for the campfire.”
Hughes was, in his hallucination, sitting in a room aboard a massive space ship. That, in and of itself, was not too terribly weird to Hughes' mind.
It was the big metal H on his forehead that really got him. That wasn't the only thing weird about his new appearance, he had noted when he had first woken up. His ears were more pointed, and his canines were elongated, like a cat's. On top of that, he was wearing a loud, pink suit with black tie, something that would have done Rick James proud. It did not look good on Hughes.
It was the H, though, that really got him. He kept poking it, tugging on it, trying to get rid of it, but to no avail. After some time, he sighed, sat down, and gave up.
A moment later, he was startled from his self pity and the mechanical mouse he had found and was playing with, by a loud scream from out in the hall.
"Aow!" the scream went. More of a yowl, really, Hughes decided. He stood up and looked out into the hall.
A man, a tall man, wearing a zebra-striped zoot-suit and sporting the best pompadour Hughes had ever seen, was walking--no, not walking--strutting
down the hall.
"Hey, buddy!" the man said, grinning widely at Hughes. He had teeth just like the ones the boy scout had woken up with. "Glad to see you finally awake! Aow! It worked!"
"That... that suit..." Hughes said, staring at the other in some strange mix of horror and adulation. "It's... terrifying... it's... the worst suit I've ever seen.
It's... making me talk... like Bill Shatner... But... on you it... looks... right." He looked up at the man. "You must teach me your secrets! Your hair, tell me! How did you get it so perfect?"
Matt hadn't meant to be Matty. To be fair, she had never meant to fall into an ancient accursed Spring in the middle of China and gain the ability to turn into a girl at all.
To be fair, Matty supposed that it would be a great party trick, if she ever went to parties.
However, Matty didn't go to parties and, if she did, he probably wouldn't find a good time to demonstrate that particular little party trick anyway.
She noted, with some distaste, that she was still Matty.
She had become separated from the other scouts while chasing Proctor's hamsters, and somehow wound up in the forest near Cabin Three. Then she had tripped and found herself rolling down a small bank into the Boulder Brook. And to top it all off, something was now wriggling her pocket. She reached in and pulled out, among other things, a small, fuzzy hamster, tan and white, pigging out on the remains of her final Snickers bar.
Matty picked herself up and squeezed out her hat, sighing quietly to herself. She looked up and stretched and then began towards Cabin Three, figuring that she would just sneak back to camp, get herself some hot water, and change back.
She turned toward the nature trail, intending on taking it back to Hill Road. Matty was a good boy scout, and she knew better than to wander blindly through the woods towards Cabin Three, even if it would be a shorter walk and she knew that she could probably get there without any problems.
"My goddess!"
Matty closed her eyes. She knew that voice anywhere.
"I knew you would come to me!"
"Dammit, Kuntz!" Matty yelled, turning around to face the crazy scout. "Stop following me!"
"But, I'm not following you," Kuntz protested, still smiling crazily. "You have come to me! Let me serenade you!" He cleared his throat, pulled out a rumpled piece of paper from his rumpled scout uniform, vainly attempted to uncrumple the paper, and began to read, badly: "Geek of the spring, and poison of the year, the one dot shadows in your beauty snow! The other as your booty dots appear; And you in every blessed shape we know. In all external grits you have some snot, But you like buns, buns you, for you're so hot!" He looked up from the paper. "I changed it a little, you know, made it better for you."
"You what?"
"Now, give me a kiss, hotlips!"
Billy and Aaron were lost. They had been chasing the damn hamster for almost an hour now, and they were nowhere near close to finding it.
"Hey, let's try up there," Aaron said, pointing up a small embankment, "I read somewhere that hamsters are natural climbers and like to live on higher ground, like eagles."
"Like eagles," Billy repeated, giving Aaron the death stare.
"Quit looking at me like that," Aaron said, pulling himself up and further into the woods. "Besides, I think I can see tracks."
"You've found hamster tracks? Come on, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard..."
“I didn't say hamster tracks.”
Mike was by himself. He knew that Cabin Three lay somewhere close at hand — he knew that he was in the general area.
Of course, he was also totally lost. As a boy scout, and a good boy scout at that, Mike knew that he was going in circles. There was a rock that he secretly suspected was following him. He glared darkly at the rock.
The rock had the perfect poker face. To Mike, it looked cold as stone, like it was carved from rock. He couldn't read the damn thing at all.
Mike sighed and sat on the rock.
"Alright," he said, after a time. "Where is everyone?"
Something near his feet chittered and squeaked at him, and he tilted his head down to peer into the thick grass. A tiny, greyish-brown hamster scampered out and tried to climb up his pant leg. Mike reached down and picked up the rodent in his hands, lifting it up to the sky. "I call you... Muad'Dib!"
The hamster chirped in reply and began to nibble on one of Mike's fingers.
Mike started to scold the small rodent, when suddenly a loud scream rent the air. He leapt up, stuffing Muad'Dib into a pocket as he rushed off towards the yelling.
Hughes examined himself in the mirror. He wouldn't have thought it — and neither did the human, the hologram or the computer, although the cat and the toaster were on his side — but the pink tie did match with the gaudy, tiger-striped suit. It really brought everything together.
The hologram was going to have a fit.
He frowned a little bit, and reached for the large, felt hat the other feline had given him. He put it on and examined himself in the mirror.
"No," he said, "No, the feather really is just way too much."
"See, I told you Cabin Three was here," Aaron said, pointing proudly at the slightly fire damaged cabin. Billy glared at him.
He opened his mouth to say something, then blinked and moved closer to the cabin, peering in the window. "Hey, is there someone in there?"
"What?" Aaron asked, stepping up next to Billy. "My god, there is! Two of them, see?"
Inside of the cabin, two people were tied, deep inside of the shadows. They struggled, every now and again, but were basically still.
"Come on, Bill, we've got to rescue them!"
"What? No, wait a minute! Damn it, Aaron, we're Boy Scouts, not rescuers! We need to get an adult out here."
"Shut up, Bill," Aaron replied, absentmindedly, "And tell me how to get this window open."
Billy turned and was about to level Aaron with a scathing remark — a single statement so unbelievably, incredibly sarcastic that the very earth would tremble, poets would later compose entire epics based upon only the first three words of the remark! — but was cut off before the first syllable was formed by a piercing scream. Matt and Aaron took one look at each other before turning and running towards the noise.
Matty had nowhere to run. Kuntz was almost upon her. She could count the pores in his greasy face. She whimpered softly, her back pressed up against a large tree as she cast about for some way out. Anything, anything at all!
"Hey, Kuntz!" Matty and the greasy boy scout both turned to see Mike, he rolled down the hill, grabbed something off the ground as he spun to his feet, using the leverage from the roll to toss the heavy object.
Kuntz grunted as something containing an extended amount of mass collided forcefully with the back of his head, knocking him unconscious.
“Oh, thank god,” Matty said, rubbing her face.
“Matt!” Aaron called, sliding down the embankment towards them, “Are you okay?” Billy yelled as he leapt over the
“Fine,” Matty replied, stepping over the prone Kuntz. She reached down and picked up the heavy object that head dented Kuntz' thick skull. “Uh, Mike? Where'd you get this?”
Mike blinked and peered. “Kiwi-Mocha Fruit Juice? I thought that was a rock.”
Aaron opened his mouth to say something but was cut short as Billy cackled, whipping out a tiny notebook and jotted something down. He grinned darkly at Mike. “Soon, soon,” he said, and then cackled again.
“What's with Bill?” Matty asked.
“He's going insane,” Mike replied, shrugging a bit.
“Did we find all the hamsters?” Aaron asked, quickly changing the subject.
“I've got one,” Matt replied, fishing it out of her pocket. It was wearing the remains of the Snickers wrapper as a hat.
“I give you,” Mike said, holding up the hamster, “Muad'Dib! The Sleeper has awakened!” And, indeed, the sleeping hamster uncurled and wriggled his whiskers, wondering, in his tiny hamster brain, what all the yelling was about.
“You're weird,” Billy said. Matty and Aaron nodded their agreement.
“Thank you. I practice.”
Hughes had it down now. He and the other feline were strutting down the hall, marking things as theirs. To keep things simple, Hughes took the left side, and the other took the right side. The larger cat kept sneaking over to mark things Hughes had already marked as his, but Hughes had his number.
He kept sneaking to the other side to do the exact same thing.
"Okay," Matt, no longer Matty, said, crossing his arms. "You say there's two people tied up inside of Cabin Three."
"Yup," Aaron responded.
"And you say that we have to go rescue them," Mike continued, frowning softly.
"Or go get an adult," Billy muttered.
"Matt is an adult, you crouton," Aaron responded. Billy was momentarily stunned. No one had ever called him a crouton before.
"Alright, look," Matt said, adjusting his hat before turning and looking towards Cabin Three. "We'll go, check it out, and see if we can help, and if it's too dangerous, we can just send someone back to get help.”
“They fall for it!” Perry said, chuckling darkly to himself. Soon, soon, all would be complete. He pulled out a bright red cloth and waved it furiously. Moments later, a similar cloth fluttered in the woods across from him.
And then there was loud cackling.
“Um, was that giant crane there before?” Billy asked, pointing up at the construction equipment parked behind the cabin. “Also, does anyone else hear cackling?”
“I don't know. I don't think you can see it from anywhere else,” Aaron replied, ducking around the sides of Cabin Three to check. “No, it's completely
invisible except from right here.”
“That's just weird,” Mike said, poking the crane. “I wonder what it's for?”
The scouts were silent for a long moment, startled out of it only by a familiar voice.
“Aha!” the voice said, in a thick Chinese accent and bad grammar, “Perry get you now! I... Aiya, nar? Tamen shi nar ma?”
“Perry?” Aaron called. Billy hit in him the shoulder.
“Don't call him, you... you... you duck!”
Perry dashed around the cabin and growled at the scouts.
“Hi, Perry,” Mike waved. “Where'd you get the crane?”
“Internet.” Perry shook his head and growled again, pointing his finger at them. “You think you foil my plan! I will still win! Now, Kuntz!”
There was a long silence. Aaron cleared his throat.
“Uh, Perry?” Mike said.
“You quiet!” Perry shouted. “Kuntz! Now!”
“Perry?” Matt said, as kindly as he could. “Kuntz is in the forest, unconscious due to kiwi-mocha fruit juice wounds.”
“Kiwi mocha... fruit juice...” Perry said, staring in unbelief. He shook his head and growled. “It no matter!” He leapt forward, aiming for the crane.
There was a sudden click and Perry stopped and stared down. He sighed. “Cao wo,” he said, very softly, to himself. There was another click, and then a net snapped up, trapping Perry inside. The crane rumbled to life and began to hoist the net upwards, then turned and began to rumble off in the direction of the waterfront.
“We've got to go after him,” Aaron said, starting to run off.
“But he's trying to kill us!” Billy protested. He squeaked as Mike grabbed one of his arms and Matt the other.
“We've got to save him!” Matt said, and hauled Billy away, running after the runaway crane.
The crane was careening out of control through the forest, tearing a wild hole through the trees as it headed towards the not-too distant lake. Perry remarked quietly to himself that it really ought to have been the Jusenkyo scouts trapped in this net, about to be drowned in the unused waterfront.
Well, Perry remarked silently to himself, at least it would be an interesting death.
“Perry and the crane went this way,” Aaron said, kneeling in the dirt and gently prodding some tracks.
“How clearly astute of you,” Billy replied, looking up at the wide swath of destroyed forest.
Matt shook his head. “Are we gaining on him, I can't tell?”
“No,” Billy said looking down the ruined path the crane had caused.
“We'll never catch up to him at this rate,” Matt said. He pointed to the left. “This way, I know a short-cut.”
“It's going in a straight line, straight towards the lake,” Billy complained, “How can there be any short-cuts?”
“Shut up, Bill!”
“Are you sure this is going to work, Sir?” Proctor asked as he finished applying the last of the mud and sticks.
“Shut up,” Justy replied irritably as he examined his hench‑scout's handiwork. “This is your fault for losing the damn hamsters in the first place.”
“Yes, Sir,” Proctor said, quietly, letting his face hang. He stood back from his masterpiece. “Finished, Captain.”
“It will do.”
“Where are we?” Mike asked.
“Almost there,” was Matt's only response, but he didn't sound too confident.
They burst through the woods and suddenly found themselves in a clearing, empty except for a gigantic, gray, metal ring standing upright, smack dead in the middle. All the scouts, Matt included, stopped and stared for a good long time.
“Is this what you were aiming for?” Mike asked, his voice hushed in reverence.
Matt shrugged. “I thought I’d seen Kenny up this way a day or so ago, thought he might be able to help us. But I don’t see him here.”
“Is that what I think that is?” Aaron said. Indicating the circular structure.
“No,” Mike replied, shaking his head. “It only looks like one.”
“It's really a magic doorway to alternate dimensions,” Matt added. “I'm just surprised to see it here.”
“Mr. Atanian?”
Everyone turned. Kenny had just come up behind them, lugging a large bundle of wires.
“Kenny?” Matt blinked, responding in exactly the same tone of disbelief as their young super-genius friend.
“Should you be working on a merit badge, Kenny?” Aaron noted.
“I am,” Kenny replied. “The 'Advanced Theoretical Quantum Astrophysics' Badge.” He held up the merit badge book—it featured Stephen Hawking staring out at them from the cover.
“I didn't know that was a badge,” Billy said, suspiciously.
“I had to get special permission,” Kenny confessed, “to do it at Summer Camp.” He shrugged a little bit. “Oh, and this one doesn’t go to alternate dimensions,” He added. “I’ve been doing some work on theories involving instantaneous travel within this plane of existence, and just decided to use the same motif.”
“So it is what I thought it was,” Aaron said, glaring at Mike.
“I guess,” Mike shrugged.
“I’m having some difficulty,” Kenny said with a sigh. “I’ve only managed to have success over short distances.
Mike grinned suddenly. “Can we ask a favor, Kenny?”
“Alright, now what?” Justy asked, crossing his arms.
“We lure the Garden Snake patrol to the three hamsters, sir.” Proctor frowned. “Do you hear something, Captain? Like thunder?”
“And once they're at the hamsters?”
“Uh, Perry said he and Kuntz would take it from there, Captain.”
“Good. Good. How will we know when he's in position?”
“He's supposed to signal us with a red flag, Sir, then we do the same with our own. It should be right... uh... where did it go? Sir, did you see our red flag?”
“Fantastic,” Justy said, letting out the faintest of cackles. “Now what?”
“N-now, Sir? Uh, we wait for the Garden Snake Patrol.”
“Excellent.”
There was a bright light and a sudden splash-like noise.
“Uh, Captain? Did you just see a huge flash of like, like a... gack!” The reason for Proctor's gack was this: as he was turning to see what the light was, someone stuffed a hamster into his mouth. This was quite a problem for Proctor for, as he struggled valiantly to spit the living gag out, the hamster, scared out of its tiny little mind, kept trying to squirm further in.
“Mwahahahahaha!” Justy cackled, paying not the least bit of attention to, well, anything. “Proctor, my slave, go now and lure the Garden Snakes! Lure them so that they may be crushed once and for all!”
“Lure us where, now?”
“To the three hamsters, of course. Haven't you been paying attention?” Justy grunted and shook his head. “Where Peon #18 will kill those miserable Garden Snakes! Do you hear a rumbling noise, Proctor? Like Thunder?” Justy turned and found him face to face with the majority of the Garden Snake patrol, Proctor leaning against a tree as he frantically tried to stop the hamster from climbing down his throat.
“Hi, Justy,” Aaron said.
“You!” Justy cried, pulling out his baton and swinging it as hard as he could. He hit Billy just above his ear.
“Ow,” Billy replied, rubbing his head and glaring at Justy.
“Oh, sorry,” Justy said, “Batteries must be dead, one moment.”
“Batteries?” Mike asked, looking up at Matt, who shrugged.
Justy fiddled with the baton for a moment, finally managing to pop the bottom off, where two triple A batteries popped out. He pulled them out and slide two new ones in, swishing the baton about. “Ah, there we go. Proctor got it for me for my birthday. Here we go!” He smacked Billy again, and there was a loud zap and an arc of blue lightning.
“Ow!” Billy said again. Justy leaned back and cackled loudly for a few minutes, as the rumbling got louder and louder.
“And now!” Justy declared, pointing his electric baton at the Garden Snake patrol. “Peon #18! Now!”
There was no response.
“Uh, Justy?” Mike said.
“Shut up!” Justy barked, angrily. “Perry! Now!”
“Justy?” Matt said, as kindly as he could, “Perry is in the forest, trapped in a runaway crane headed straight for the lake.”
“Oh,” Justy replied, blinking a little bit. He shrugged. “Then I shall destroy you myself!” He raised his baton and began to cackle again.
“Aow!” something called from the trees, leaping forward. Everyone, Justy included, turned to look.
“What is that?” Aaron asked, shielding his eyes.
“It's a bird!”
“It's a... tiger?” Billy blinked, rubbing his eyes. “It's a... tiger wearing a bright pink tie with a red scarf on its arms?”
The tiger yowled again before landing on Justy's head. The SPL grunted softly as he was knocked unconscious, the tiger flipping gracefully backwards and landing on its back feet.
And then it adjusted its tie.
“It's... Hughes?” Matt said, incredulously.
“In the flesh,” Hughes said, grinning widely. He began to strut artfully.
“What the hell are you wearing?” Aaron asked, staring in horror at the tiger-striped suit, oddly complimented by the bright pink tie, “And why does it look far less horrible than it should?”
“Where have you been?” Billy demanded, looking around suspiciously, “And why do you have a beard?”
Hughes reached up and pulled the beard off, tossing it away. “It's fake,” he said, still ginning like a Cheshire cat. “And I've been on Walkabout, journeying through the untamed wilderness until I met myself and gained a greater understanding of my subconscious.” He pulled out a spray-bottle and sprayed a nearby tree. “Mine.”
“So,” Matt said, poking the fake beard with the tip of his boot. “Did you meet yourself?”
“Yup,” Hughes replied. “And I learned something. I'm an asshole.” The other scouts shrugged at each other. Hughes grinned and then let out a soft ooh as he spotted three giant hamsters, made from mud and sticks. “Dinner!” he cried. “Better stalk 'em. Here,” He pulled something out of his pocket and tossed it carelessly to Aaron, “I was keeping that for later, but I guess you can have it.” Hughes slipped behind a tree and began to creep up on the fake hamsters, making no noise.
“Hey,” Aaron said, looking at the slightly rumpled hamster in his hands. “We've got all three now.” He passed it to Proctor, who finally managed to spit the shivering, now very damp rodent in his mouth out. He smiled brightly and hugged the two hamsters close to his chest.
“Here,” Mike said, passing Proctor the third and final hamster. “His name is Muad'Dib.”
“What does that mean?”
“It is the mouse shadow on the second moon,” Mike replied, cryptically.
“Hey,” Billy said, “That rumbling's getting louder. Think it's Perry?”
“Probably,” Matt replied. “Kenny! Now!”
There was no response.
“Uh oh,” Matt muttered to himself. “Kenny! We need it, now!”
The crane, Perry still dangling from the net, barreled into view.
There was a tense moment and then, suddenly, a massive robot dropped from above, firing its rocket jets at the last moment to prevent a crash landing. The robot, short and squat, took the full brunt of the crane, sliding back a few feet as it tried to stop the crane from moving.
“Sorry I'm late,” Kenny said, walking up behind the scouts, a massive joystick in his hands. “I don't think my mech can hold the crane back for long, though.”
“On it,” Aaron said, dashing between the robot's legs and climbing up into the crane body. He began to fiddle with the levers.
“What did you have that for?” Mike asked Kenny about the mech.
“Oh, you know, to help with gate construction,” Kenny explained.
Aaron’s fiddling apparently had some success as the crane halted in its forward motion. Perry, no longer in immediately danger, pointed down at the three mud-hamsters, just as Hughes leapt from cover for one of them. “What that?” he demanded.
It was Proctor who answered. “Those are the three hamsters you wanted us to lure the Garden Snake Patrol to.”
“What? Perry want Garden Snakes lured to three hamster!” Perry yelled, pointing back towards Cabin Three.
“Those are three hamsters,” Proctor replied, looking confused. Perry blinked and pulled out his Chinese – English, English – Chinese pocket dictionary, and opened to the proper page, which read thus:
cang: cabin
cangshu: hamster
“Oh,” Perry said. He growled and peered down at Proctor again. “Why you signal back, if Garden Snakes not in position?”
“Signal back? We've been here this entire time,” Proctor protested. “I lost my red flag somewhere in the forest.”
“You mean this?” Hughes asked, waving the red scarf tied to his arm. “I found it, back there, and saw someone else waving one. I just wanted to fit in, man.”
“But... Perry hear cackling!” the Chinese boy scout protested.
“Me,” Hughes said, raising his hand. “It seemed like the right thing to do. I mean, I had just found this awesome lunch.” He pointed at one of the hamsters. “It seemed right to let it know who was gonna eat it.”
“Hughes,” Mike said, “no eating the hamsters.”
Aaron finally managed to carefully lower the Perry-filled net to the ground and turn off the crane’s engine. “That,” he said, as he hopped out of the crane, “Is my final requirement for the Farm Mechanics merit badge.”
“How?” Billy asked.
“'Explain how power is produced or transferred in: a diesel engine and a hydraulic system.'” Aaron said, with some satisfaction. He pointed at the crane. “Thirty seconds with that thing, and I finally get how it all works.”
Perry, in the meanwhile, had pulled himself free of the net. He stared at the Garden Snakes for a long moment, before he turned and stormed off into the wilderness.
“Alright,” Matt said, shrugging a little bit. “Everyone accounted for? All hamsters are here? Good. Let's go home.”
Crown Point was busy getting ready for the campfire, only a few short hours away. Aaron was trying to get Hughes to get rid of the very loud, zebra-striped suit he was wearing. “We’re supposed to be getting into class A’s.”
“Are you saying that this suit is anything less?” Hughes demanded.
Aaron could only sigh.
Becker appeared from the woods, having gotten separated from the rest of the Garden Snakes during the initial hamster chase and only now having found his way back. He was talking animatedly to himself, seemingly quite annoyed. He was interrupted by Swett who immediately started telling him his idea for a joke he wanted to tell at the campfire. Like everyone else Swett had tried to convince, Becker told him it was a bad idea.
“How's your list going?” Mike asked Billy, who was crouched behind one of the picnic tables, near Matt's tent.
“Well, only two more things left to cross off.”
“Oh?” Billy nodded in response. Mike scratched his head.
There was a scream and a thud from Matt's tent.
“One more thing to cross off,” Billy said. They opened the flap to Matt's tent, and found him, unconscious on the floor, a massive cardboard cut-out of Sarah holding a butcher knife propped up in the corner. “'Matt will swoon over Sarah',” Billy repeated, pulling out the notebook and crossing that entry off.
“Where the hell did you get a giant cut-out of Sarah with a knife?”
Billy just smiled and pointed out the door. “Come on, we need to get ready for the campfire.”
Author's Notes
The Bard's sonnet that Kuntz makes 'better' is Sonnet 53, and goes something like this:
What is your substance, whereof are you made,
That millions of strange shadows on you tend?
Since every one hath, every one, one shade,
And you but one, can every shadow lend.
Describe Adonis, and the counterfeitIs poorly imitated after you;
On Helen's Cheek all art of beauty set,
And you in Grecian tires are painted new:
*Speak of the spring, and foison of the year,
The one doth shadow of your beauty show,
The other as your bounty doth appear;
And you in every blessed shape we know.
In all external grace you have some part,
But you like none, none you, for constant heart.
The asterisk marks the part that Kuntz begins to, er, for lack of a better word, quote. Not all of the misquoting is due to changes Kuntz made, mind. Much of it is just him being, among other things, an idiot. He has, in fact, only changed the final line.
A foison is a harvest or bounty.
'Advanced Theoretical Quantum Astrophysics' is not a real merit badge. Farm Mechanics is, as is the requirement that Aaron quotes.
Alright, now that that's out of the way, the actual author's notes. I'm going to write them, this time, before I tell Matt that I've finished. I keep passing these to him and he posts them before I've finished writing the author's notes. Grr.
Okay! I suppose this has taken a fair amount of time to write (nothing on Mike or Jessi, though). To everyone who pestered Matt to pester me, I have this to say:
I would have finished earlier if people hadn't been pestering me. Grr.
I took some liberties with some of the characters in this, as people will no doubt notice. I hope I didn't move them too far from where Matt envisioned them. I know I played with the normal Justy-Proctor relationship, and made it something closer to the dynamics between, say, Zapp Branigan and Kif in Futurama. It just turned out funnier that way.
I'm gonna say, this is probably the last writing I'm gonna do for the Boy Scouts ½ series. I've got too much on my plate and I'm gonna start Grad School in the fall, so I'm gonna see my time fall apart really damn fast. I'll still remain active in the community and I'll still help produce the BS½ Magic fan-expansions, but no more full out stories, not for a good long time.
Not that there's much left to the series.
It's up to Matt, now. He's already started on Part 30.
Lister, Rimmer, the Cat, Holly and the Toaster are all copyright to the British Broadcasting Company.
Muad'Dib belongs to Frank Herbert and, the version I used, David Lynch. Fear is the mind-killer.
The original idea for Jusenkyo and the cursed springs is the brainchild of one miss Takahashi Rumiko. May she forgive the travesty that Matt has wrought.
This story is not in any way endorsed or affiliated (or even acknowledged) by the Boy Scouts of America National Council. May they forgive me for coming up with the 'Advanced Theoretical Quantum Astrophysics' merit badge.
For those wondering, the badge has the Stargate around the edge, with Amanda Tapping's head in the middle. There's an alternate version that has Carl Sagan's head, instead.
Matt is the Kwisatz Haderach!
What is your substance, whereof are you made,
That millions of strange shadows on you tend?
Since every one hath, every one, one shade,
And you but one, can every shadow lend.
Describe Adonis, and the counterfeitIs poorly imitated after you;
On Helen's Cheek all art of beauty set,
And you in Grecian tires are painted new:
*Speak of the spring, and foison of the year,
The one doth shadow of your beauty show,
The other as your bounty doth appear;
And you in every blessed shape we know.
In all external grace you have some part,
But you like none, none you, for constant heart.
The asterisk marks the part that Kuntz begins to, er, for lack of a better word, quote. Not all of the misquoting is due to changes Kuntz made, mind. Much of it is just him being, among other things, an idiot. He has, in fact, only changed the final line.
A foison is a harvest or bounty.
'Advanced Theoretical Quantum Astrophysics' is not a real merit badge. Farm Mechanics is, as is the requirement that Aaron quotes.
Alright, now that that's out of the way, the actual author's notes. I'm going to write them, this time, before I tell Matt that I've finished. I keep passing these to him and he posts them before I've finished writing the author's notes. Grr.
Okay! I suppose this has taken a fair amount of time to write (nothing on Mike or Jessi, though). To everyone who pestered Matt to pester me, I have this to say:
I would have finished earlier if people hadn't been pestering me. Grr.
I took some liberties with some of the characters in this, as people will no doubt notice. I hope I didn't move them too far from where Matt envisioned them. I know I played with the normal Justy-Proctor relationship, and made it something closer to the dynamics between, say, Zapp Branigan and Kif in Futurama. It just turned out funnier that way.
I'm gonna say, this is probably the last writing I'm gonna do for the Boy Scouts ½ series. I've got too much on my plate and I'm gonna start Grad School in the fall, so I'm gonna see my time fall apart really damn fast. I'll still remain active in the community and I'll still help produce the BS½ Magic fan-expansions, but no more full out stories, not for a good long time.
Not that there's much left to the series.
It's up to Matt, now. He's already started on Part 30.
Lister, Rimmer, the Cat, Holly and the Toaster are all copyright to the British Broadcasting Company.
Muad'Dib belongs to Frank Herbert and, the version I used, David Lynch. Fear is the mind-killer.
The original idea for Jusenkyo and the cursed springs is the brainchild of one miss Takahashi Rumiko. May she forgive the travesty that Matt has wrought.
This story is not in any way endorsed or affiliated (or even acknowledged) by the Boy Scouts of America National Council. May they forgive me for coming up with the 'Advanced Theoretical Quantum Astrophysics' merit badge.
For those wondering, the badge has the Stargate around the edge, with Amanda Tapping's head in the middle. There's an alternate version that has Carl Sagan's head, instead.
Matt is the Kwisatz Haderach!
Matt's Notes
Well, here we go. The story’s mostly wrapped up, and there’s just one more to go.
Just one more.
One more Boy Scouts ½ story.
Well, Hughes delivered again. It was 99% great, although I did make a few slight changes. One tacking on a small bit concerning a character that seemed to slip Hughes’s mind completely.
Becker.
He was amongst those running after the hamsters at the end of the previous story.
When I mentioned this to Hughes, he said he suspected that he had forgotten someone. “Is it Kenny? No… Aaron, no… ah, f**k it.”
And finally, when reminded of his omission, Hughes hung his head in shame and reflected that in reality, Becker had been his best friend up at camp that summer.
Oh, well. Enough Hughes bashing for now. Over all, good job, Hughes! Now… on to the conclusion of Boy Scouts ½!
Just one more.
One more Boy Scouts ½ story.
Well, Hughes delivered again. It was 99% great, although I did make a few slight changes. One tacking on a small bit concerning a character that seemed to slip Hughes’s mind completely.
Becker.
He was amongst those running after the hamsters at the end of the previous story.
When I mentioned this to Hughes, he said he suspected that he had forgotten someone. “Is it Kenny? No… Aaron, no… ah, f**k it.”
And finally, when reminded of his omission, Hughes hung his head in shame and reflected that in reality, Becker had been his best friend up at camp that summer.
Oh, well. Enough Hughes bashing for now. Over all, good job, Hughes! Now… on to the conclusion of Boy Scouts ½!
For those keeping track,
Billy predicted the following:
Billy predicted the following:
The Porters will show up