Winning the Doorprise
by Matthew Atanian
©2000 by Matthew Atanian
by Matthew Atanian
©2000 by Matthew Atanian
“Captain’s Unnecessarily Tedious Narration, Stardate 42424.2, Captain Spockman recording.
“This new ship, the U.S.S. Doorprise, NCC-0666-A+, is a fine ship, but she’ll take a little breaking in. I look forward to doing so.
"On a different note, Captain Smith is looking forward to his new assignment. Unfortunately for me, he will be taking some of my best officers with him. I wish them all the best of luck, however.”
Captain Arnold Ziffle Spockman finished his log entry and went on to make an entry in his personal log before he was interrupted by the door chime.
“Come in!” he called out.
The door opened. A man standing in the doorway said, “You know, it’s almost time for the ceremony.”
“Yes, I’d hate to be late for my own wedding.” Spockman grinned. “Philia would kill me.”
“Well then, shall we be off, Captain Spockman?”
Spockman joined the man out in the corridor and made a grandiose gesture towards the nearest turbodip. “After you, Captain Smith.”
“Dear friends,” Captain John Smith began, “we are gathered here today in this place to witness the joining of these two people in the living hell, er, make that the holy union, of matrimony.”
John stood there on the stage, his back to the large windows looking out over the aft of the ship. Spockman and Philia, silently holding hands, stood facing him. Behind the two of them, Arthur, Fenchurch, Matt, Sasha, and Lanolia stood watching the proceedings in silent anticipation.
“In many cultures, marriage is a sacred time full of tradition and ceremony.” John grinned. “However, there are those who believe that such things are a bit overrated and want to get things over with so they can go and party.”
Spockman and Philia glanced at each other and smiled.
“Do you?” John asked.
"Yes,” Spockman answered.
“Do you?” John asked again.
“Sure, I guess,” Philia answered, playfully non-committal.
“Okay, you’re hitched. Hurry up and kiss her, so we can go and party!” John concluded.
Becker brought the car on an approach trajectory towards the Doorprise’s shuttle bay.
“So,” Kenny asked, “did you ever read these stories?”
“I never got around to it,” Becker admitted. “You?”
Kenny frowned. “I meant to, I just had really gotten into this book I was reading and couldn’t put it down.”
“Good book?”
Kenny nodded. “The Red Spectrum and It’s Relationship to Quasars.”
“Ah. Haven’t read that one, myself,” Becker admitted.
The party in Three-Aft was winding down. After it had been discovered that Gremlin, the hostess, was incompetent, Sasha had taken over behind the bar. Thus it was the Chief Engineer’s voice that called out, “Last orders, please!”
“Spockman, dear, why don’t you head up to the Penthouse?” Philia asked, referring to their quarters on A Deck. “I have to check on something in the science lab, and I’ll be right up.”
“See you soon,” the Captain responded as Philia made her way from the room.
Spockman took a look at his drink for a moment before taking a sip.
“I’ll take care of everything,” John told him.
“You sure?”
“Yes! Get on with you. It’s your wedding night. Have a blast. I’ll take care of your other love for you.”
“Okay. You have the con for the next, oh… when do we reach Cheap Skate Nine?”
John smiled in anticipation of his new assignment. “Ten hours, present speed. I can slow the ship down a bit…”
Spockman grinned in thanks, but responded, “No need. Ten hours will be fine. Don’t forget, there’s also tomorrow night!”
“Spockman, have fun.”
“You too. Call me if there’s any problems.” Without awaiting a response, Spockman bolted for the door.
“All right, everyone! You’ve had enough fun! Time to get back to work!” John called out.
“Work can be fun,” Commander Atanian pointed out as he pushed his black glasses up absentmindedly.
“True, so let’s continue this party on the bridge. Sasha, bring the drinks.”
Commander Matthew Atanian placed his iced tea down on his familiar navigation console as he sat himself behind it. He then used his console to tap into the Sci-Fi station, as not only would he need the practice as he was shortly going to be Cheap Skate Nine’s Sci-Fi officer, but as Philia had the night off someone would have to cover her duties.
It was then, using the ship’s scanners, that he noticed something odd. “Captain Smith?”
John Smith put down his Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. “Yes, what is it, Matt?”
“We’re being followed.”
“Followed? By who? Who by?”
“It appears to be… an Edsel?” Matt couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “It has taken up position outside the hanger bay doors.”
“This is damn peculiar,” John noted. “Any theories?”
“Well, hopefully it’s not the network here to cancel us,” Matt deadpanned.
John blinked. “Network?”
“Old SNL sketch,” Matt explained, “never mind.”
“Shall I notify the Captain and the First Officer?” Fenchurch asked.
John frowned. “Well… I hate to ruin their wedding night, but I don’t see any other choice. Spockman would want to know about this. Have security join him, Commander Prongtoid, and myself outside the hanger bay.”
Philia passed two hurrying crewmen as she headed for the science lab. She was just about to enter when Fenchurch’s voice called out through the intercom, “Captain Spockman, Commander Prongtoid, please report to the hanger deck.”
Philia swore softly and testily flicked on the nearest com-unit. “Fenchurch, what’s going on?”
“I’m sorry to disturb you, Commander. There is a craft seeking entry into the ship, but not responding to any hails. It appears to be… well, I don’t quite know how to put this…”
“Appears to be what?”
“It appears to be an automobile from my home planet.”
Philia arched an eyebrow. “Um… right.” She sighed. “Fine, I’ll be right there.” She picked up the skirt of her wedding dress and hurried down the corridor.
Spockman and Philia met up with John at the outside of the hanger bay. A couple of security officers were standing near by, just in case.
“Scans of the craft show two occupants, both human. They appear to be completely unarmed,” John informed Spockman.
“Right.” Spockman turned to the two security guards. “Looks like we won’t be needing you.”
“Hanger bay pressure equalized,” the computer announced.
The door opened.
Spockman, Philia, and John walked in.
The door closed.
One of the security guards looked at the other. The second one looked back.
They breathed a sigh of relief.
Suddenly, a five hundred pound anvil fell atop one of them as a tiger leapt seemingly from thin air and ravaged the other.
Sometimes, especially for security guards, there was just no fighting fate.
Kenny and Becker were brought to a conference room, where shortly thereafter they were joined by a group of people wearing uniforms that were similar to (but not quite like) the Starfleet Uniforms first seen in The Wrath of Kahn. Near the head of the table were too oddly dressed people, one male and one female. The male was dressed in a tuxedo and the female in a wedding dress. Their manner of dress may not have been odd under different circumstances, but it was certainly odd when one finds oneself on something that is similar to (but not quite like) a Federation Starship.
The man in a tuxedo, who had features similar to a Vulcan, spoke.
Alas, neither Kenny or Becker could understand a word he said. The blank looks they gave him attempted to communicate this.
Next, the female in the wedding dress spoke. Whatever language she used sounded rather different, but was no more understandable then what the man had used.
The man and the woman turned to another man and woman sitting at the table and spoke to them. This new male and female pair nodded and turned to Kenny and Becker.
“Um… pardon me,” the male said in a crisp British accent. “I do hope it doesn’t seem terribly rude of me to ask, but do you speak English?”
“Why yes, I do,” Kenny responded. The man looked very familiar to him for some reason.
“Me too!” Becker added.
“Oh, good,” the woman said, also speaking with a British accent. “This should simplify things.”
“Simon Jones!” Kenny exclaimed suddenly.
“What?” the man asked, taken back.
“You look just like Simon Jones.”
“Who?” the man responded. “Look, I’m terribly sorry but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Dent. Arthur Dent.”
Kenny smiled. “Of course.” He turned to Becker and whispered, “Simon Jones is the actor who played Arthur Dent, so it makes sense that Arthur would look like him.”
“Arthur Dent?” Becker asked.
“From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.”
“That big leather book that Matt has?”
Kenny nodded.
“Well, Matt did write these John Smith stories,” Becker noted. “Makes sense in some strange way to find Hitchhiker’s characters here.”
“You know, if there are some Hitchhiker’s elements here, there are bound to be others,” Kenny noted. He turned back towards Arthur. “Mr. Dent?”
“Hello? Yes?”
“Would this ship perchance have any Babel Fish in stock? I feel they may help matters along considerably.”
Arthur turned back to the Vulcan looking man and spoke to him. A moment later the man nodded, smiled, flicked a switch on the table in front of him, and spoke unintelligible nonsense into a speaker.
The Pinto was floating adrift in space. Proctor and Justy were pretty much helpless to maneuver it.”
“Um… Captain? How do you drive in space?”
“I don’t know, you idiot!”
“Do you think they know?” Proctor pointed out of the window, indicating the space craft that was swiftly approaching.”
Justy smiled to himself. “Yes, that ship will do nicely.”
“Captain? Do you think the translation devices the Professor gave us might come in handy?”
“But of course! Um… you put yours on first.”
Proctor reached under his seat and brought out a small cap that would fit snugly on top of his head.
The cap was rainbow colored, solid lines of the different colors coming down from the top of the cap like thick lines of latitude. There was a tiny, brightly colored plastic brim at the front of the cap, and a brightly colored plastic propeller atop it.
Proctor looked at it nervously.
“Well… put it on!” Justy demanded.
Proctor swallowed, remembering Snarfinkle’s description of how the device worked. “Yes, Captain…”
He put the cap on.
Immediately, little needles from within the cap bore themselves through Proctor’s skull, seeking out the language recognition and speech centers of his brain. Proctor yelped slightly as the cap did its work. When it was finished, the propeller began to rotate slowly.
“Well?” Justy asked when the process seemed to be complete.
“Well… it itches a bit.”
“Is that all?” Justy asked.
Proctor nodded.
Justy reached under his own seat and brought out an identical headpiece. He regarded it. “This thing better work. Snarfinkle said once it was put on, only he could remove it.”
Proctor nodded, and enthusiastically repeated how difficult Snarfinkle had said the process would be.
“And it only itches a bit?”
Proctor nodded.
Justy placed the cap upon his head.
The next instant he screamed in utter and horrible pain.
When the pain subsided, Justy whapped Proctor soundly with his baton. “You idiot, I thought you said it only itched a bit!”
“Yes, Captain. Once it’s on. It hurts like hell putting it on though, doesn’t it?”
Justy stared at Proctor, as if daring his companion to repeat what he had just said. When Proctor only stared on in blissful ignorance of his heinous misdeed, Justy swung his baton once more.
A man walked in with the Babel Fish, strange yellow creatures from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy that when put in one’s ear instantly allowed that person to understand anything said to him or her in any form of language. Kenny and Becker were surprised to recognize the man.
“Mr. Atanian?” Kenny asked.
“Matt?” Becker simultaneously asked.
“Hello? Yes?” Commander Matthew Atanian responded.
“It’s me! Becker!”
“Becker who?” Matt responded.
“It’s no use, Mr. Becker,” Kenny said. He turned to Matt. “I’m sorry for the confusion, but in an alternate universe you are an Assistant Scoutmaster in our Boy Scout Troop.”
Matt looked confused. He sat.
Kenny and Becker each took a Babel Fish. Kenny instantly stuck one of them into his ear, and instructed Becker to do the same. With some reluctance, Becker did so.
“Well then,” the Vulcan looking man said, “now that we can all understand one another, what brings you to the Doorprise?”
After the pressure had equalized in the hanger bay, Justy and Proctor stepped fourth from the Pinto and headed towards the nearest door. As they approached it, a squad of security guards entered and pointed rather unpleasant looking weapons at them.
Then two figures entered.
“Holy Toupee!” Proctor inexplicably shouted upon seeing one of the two men. “Mr. Shatner, can I have your autograph?”
Both men disregarded Proctor and turned to Justy. “I… (dramatic pause) am… (dramatic pause) Gymnasium T. Flirt! This… (dramatic pause) is… (dramatic pause) my associate… (dramatic pause).”
“I am Captain Justin Schofield. Welcome aboard the I.S.S. Victorious Horizon. Now, before we kill you, what brings you here?”
“K-k-k-kill?” Proctor stammered.
Justy laughed. He laughed some more. He paused dramatically, opened his mouth as if to laugh some more, paused again instead, and then laughed.
Flirt looked at Justy.
Schofield looked at Justy.
They both looked at each other.
Then, they both laughed.
“Well, why didn’t you say so sooner?” Schofield asked. He dismissed the security squad and indicated for Justy and Proctor to follow him.
“So that’s our story,” Kenny quietly finished.
The Vulcan looking man, who Kenny and Becker had learned was a Vulquin named Spockman, sat in contemplation for a moment.
“So let me see if I can summarize this,” he said. “You are here to stop two people from your dimension from gathering an army to serve a mad genius bent on dominating your world?”
Kenny nodded.
“And if you can’t stop them, you’re planning to raise a counterforce?”
Kenny nodded again.
Spockman returned to his contemplation. He then motioned towards Philia and John, who leaned towards him and joined him in quiet conversation.
Meanwhile, Kenny took his PDA from his pocket and used it to contact his core computer back at the Laboratory. He scanned through various files until he found the desired information. He read a bit quietly to himself and smiled.
Spockman looked up from his consultation with John and Philia. “Well,” he said, “count us in.”
Kenny and Becker had been shown to guest quarters while Philia attempted to search for Justy and Proctor.
“That was easy,” Becker said.
Kenny looked up from his PDA, from which he had been reading. “Yes, well that seems consistent with this Universe.”
“What do you mean?”
Kenny held up the PDA for Becker to see. “Isn’t that…?” Becker started to ask.
Kenny nodded. “Matt’s stories.”
“Is there anything your computer doesn’t have?”
Kenny nodded again. “Of course,” he then said, “Kevin Keegan’s Football – It’s A Funny Old Game is such a bad book, who’d actually want it?”
Becker thought about this for a moment, and then dismissed it.
He thought about his headphones for a moment. He missed them. With great difficulty, he dismissed that, too.
Then he remembered his question, which he realized Kenny had only begun to answer. “So what do Matt’s stories have to do with this?” he asked.
“Well, we are in one of Matt’s stories right now,” Kenny explained. “Or, rather, inside a Universe extrapolated from his stories. I doubt he wrote about these events happening. After all, these are some of his earlier stories, and he wrote them before he knew us. Me, at least.”
“Probably me to, I think,” Becker said, nodding. He was still trying to figure out where Kenny was going with all of this. “So what?” he asked.
“Back then, you see, Matt wrote so that his characters served the plot,” Kenny continued. “Not the best way to write, you see. Much better to have the plot serve the characters.”
“He seems better with that stuff he writes now,” Becker said. “That anime fanfic he uses us all as characters in.”
“Ah, yes. Neon Genesis Boy Scouts,” Kenny responded. “He still uses the characters to service the plot on occasion, but he’s not quite as bad as he once was.”
“So what’s the point of all this?” Becker asked.
“Well, since the characters here exist mainly to service the plot, as soon as we offered up a plot they fell right into it.”
“Ah, of course!” Becker responded as if he had suspected as much all along. He hadn’t.
“In fact, this whole Universe seems to exist mainly to service the plot, “Kenny suddenly hypothesized, “which could mean trouble.”
“Oh? Why’s that?” Becker asked.
“Well, look how quickly we found allies,” Kenny said. “I can assure you that Justy and Proctor are probably having similar luck. Also, which do you think would be a better plot? We stop Justy here and now, or…”
Kenny was interrupted by the intercom chiming. “Yes?” he called out.
“Kenny, this is Philia. Would you and Mr. Becker please come down to the bridge?”
The turbodip doors opened and Kenny and Becker emerged into the bridge. “You wanted to see us, Miss Prongtoid?” Kenny asked.
“Wouldn’t she be ‘Mrs. Spockman’?” Becker asked.
“In the stories, she went by her maiden name as long as she served on the Doorprise,” Kenny explained.
Philia, servicing the plot along with the rest of the crew, patiently waited for this bit of exposition to pass before she answered Kenny’s initial question.
“We think we found the two you are looking for,” she said.
“That’s good!” Becker exclaimed.
“Not really,” Spockman responded.
It was then that Kenny and Becker noticed another starship on the viewscreen. It looked very much like a Classic Star Trek starship, except that it had a definite mean edge that your average Federation starship lacked.
“Schofield,” Spockman spat.
“Schofield?” Becker asked. He was reassured in his ignorance when he heard John Smith voice the same question.
It was now Spockman’s turn for exposition. “This was from before you joined us, John. The U.S.S. Doorprise used to be the I.S.S. Doorprise, operating under the old Imperial Galactic Government. When the Empire fell, the United Phederation of Space was one of the powers that arose in its place.”
“Ah, yes, I remember that much,” John stated.
“Well,” Spockman continued, “not every Starship Captain was happy to see the Empire go. Some of them refused to join the UPS and decided they would do whatever it took to see that the Empire did not die.”
“And Schofield was one of them?” John asked.
Spockman nodded. “You could say that. Schofield was more like their ring leader. You know, John, I think this might be a very good time to raise the shields.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” John responded. He started to do so
Before he could get the shields fully raised, however, Philia shouted, “They’re firing!”
“Evasive!” Spockman shouted.
“Too late!”
Explosions rocked the bridge. Everything tilted left, everything tilted right, arms and legs flailed wildly… but there was a small shelf in one corner of the bridge upon which sat a vase that seemed to have no purpose in being there other then to remain perfectly still, as if the bridge was not shaking like crazy.
“Get those shields up!” Spockman hollered.
“I’m trying!” John responded.
“They’re firing again!” Philia warned.
John’s panel exploded. Simultaneously, all of the lights went out, replaced with the eerie red glow of the emergency lighting. Becker coughed as smoke filled the bridge faster then the ship’s ventilation systems could clear it.
“Bridge!” came Sasha Dunbar’s voice. “We’ve got a massive radiation leak down here! I have to evacuate Engineering!”
“How long until you can make repairs?” Spockman asked her.
“Sir, I’m not sure I can. Not out here.”
Spockman closed the con channel, got up, and walked over to Philia. “Damage report?”
“Defensive systems, offensive systems, propulsion, main power… all down,” she said. “Who ever they are, they knew just where to hit us.”
“Who? Schofield’s ship is a completely different class, he wouldn’t have that kind of tactical information. Who knew just where to hit us?”
As if by magic, Fenchurch suddenly announced that she was receiving a hail.
Spockman returned to his chair. “On screen,” he said.
Four people appeared on the screen. An equal number of people within the Doorprise’s bridge gasped.
Kenny and Becker gasped upon seeing Justy and Proctor.
Spockman and Philia gasped upon seeing Gymnasium T. Flirt.
“Spockman… (dramatic pause), my Vulquin friend… (dramatic pause). It’s… (dramatic pause) been… (dramatic pause) a while.”
Spockman rose. “Flirt.”
“You… (dramatic pause) still remember. I… (dramatic pause) of course… (dramatic pause) re… (short pause) member you!”
“What is the meaning of this attack?”
Flirt smiled. “(dramatic pause) Revenge… (dramatic pause). I… (dramatic pause) have… (dramatic pause) deprived your ship of power, and… (dramatic pause) when I swing… (dramatic pause) around, I… (dramatic pause) mean… (dramatic pause) to deprive you of your… (really, really long, “can read War and Peace in it’s entirety during” type dramatic pause) life.”
“If it’s me you want, spare my ship. I’ll have myself beamed aboard.”
“Your ship?” Schofield laughed. “I suppose it is at that. After all, you destroyed the original Doorprise that you stole from Flirt when you mutinied.
“After you defeated me, Flirt and I ran into each other and over a few rounds of drinks we discovered that we had a mutual ‘friend’ in common. We knew we couldn’t rest until you were dead. Of course, killing you won’t be enough. We have to kill your beloved ship with you.”
“Come now,” Justy said, speaking freely as if amongst equals. “Surely we can’t kill them yet. There are at least two peons aboard that ship who have to live to see our grand plans come to fruition.”
“Ah… (dramatic pause) yes, so… (dramatic pause) you… (dramatic pause) had said,” Flirt responded.
“Transfer over the ones known as Kenny and Becker,” Schofield instructed, “and we will allow you time to evacuate your ship before we destroy it… and you along with it.”
Spockman swallowed. “We need time to get the Matter Transference Beams repaired. Your first attack did some damage.”
Schofield smiled. “I give you sixty seconds.”
Spockman turned away from the viewer and began to pace back and forth before his chair. “I swear to you we’re not finished yet. Keep nodding as though I’m still giving orders. Kenny?”
“Yes, Captain?”
“How long would it take for you to get your car’s dimensional transport thingy configured to take this ship with it?”
Kenny answered almost instantly. “Should take very little time at all. When I’m finished I can signal you, and then all you’d have to do is move the ship forward at forty-two miles per hour.”
Spockman nodded and Kenny headed swiftly for the turbodip, Becker just behind him.
“Captain?” Schofield impatiently asked.
“They’re headed for the Transference room now, Schofield.”
Spockman turned towards Arthur and Matt. “Set a course,” he commanded them quietly, “directly for Schofield’s ship. At Kenny’s signal, move us forward at forty-two mph.”
“Aye, sir,” they responded, barely above a whisper.
“(Dramatic pause) Captain… (dramatic pause)?” It was Flirt this time.
Spockman pivoted to face the viewer once more. “Please, you’ve got to give us time. The Transference room is a shambles, we need to make repairs.”
“Time… (dramatic pause) is… (dramatic pause) a luxury… (dramatic pause) you do… (dramatic pause) not… (dramatic pause) have.”
Spockman had to stall. He walked to the front of the bridge, standing directly before the viewer. “How do I know you’ll keep your word?” he asked.
Schofield smiled. “We’ve given you no word to keep. As I see it, you simply have no alternative.”
“I… see your point,” Spockman drily responded.
Schofield consulted his digital watch. “Time’s up.”
A little light blinked on Arthur’s console.
“Prepare to receive your guests,” Spockman said to the viewer. He then quickly turned towards Arthur and Matt. Arthur nodded and Spockman smiled.
“Engage!” Spockman commanded.
Even crippled, the ship almost instantly reached the miniscule speed of forty-two miles per hour. And when it did, it vanished.
“Shit!” Schofield said.
“(Dramatic pause) Shit… (dramatic pause)!” Flirt said.
Justy whapped Proctor with his baton.
“Ouch!” Proctor said.
“Where… (dramatic pause) did they… (dramatic pause) go?” Flirt demanded to know.
Justy smiled. “There can be only one place,” he said, “and we can take you there. Oh yes, we can.”
All eyes were on Justy as he spent the next few minutes laughing.
“Of course,” he said once he had stopped, “you must first pledge allegiance to the army of Professor Snarfinkle!”
“Anything to get another chance at Spockman,” Schofield hatefully said.
Flirt spent the next few minutes dramatically agreeing.
Justy’s laughter began anew.
The Doorprise arrived in the regular Universe… or, at least, Kenny and Becker’s home Universe. It came into being on the far side of Earth’s moon. The ship then sputtered a bit and came to a stop.
Sasha burst onto the bridge, along with Kenny and Becker. “Captain!” Sasha exclaimed.
“What is it, Sasha?”
“Sir, this ship is toast, and the butter is being spread fast. Recommend we evacuate immediately!”
“Belgium,” Spockman cursed. “I just lost one ship, now another?”
“There will be other ships, Spockman,” John said. “At least the crew is safe.”
Kenny walked over to Philia’s station. “May I?” he asked.
Philia nodded.
Kenny did a brief scan of Western Massachusetts. “Here,” he said. “Beam everyone to these coordinates. There’s enough accommodations for them there.”
“What’s there?” Philia asked.
Kenny smiled. “My Laboratory!”
“This new ship, the U.S.S. Doorprise, NCC-0666-A+, is a fine ship, but she’ll take a little breaking in. I look forward to doing so.
"On a different note, Captain Smith is looking forward to his new assignment. Unfortunately for me, he will be taking some of my best officers with him. I wish them all the best of luck, however.”
Captain Arnold Ziffle Spockman finished his log entry and went on to make an entry in his personal log before he was interrupted by the door chime.
“Come in!” he called out.
The door opened. A man standing in the doorway said, “You know, it’s almost time for the ceremony.”
“Yes, I’d hate to be late for my own wedding.” Spockman grinned. “Philia would kill me.”
“Well then, shall we be off, Captain Spockman?”
Spockman joined the man out in the corridor and made a grandiose gesture towards the nearest turbodip. “After you, Captain Smith.”
“Dear friends,” Captain John Smith began, “we are gathered here today in this place to witness the joining of these two people in the living hell, er, make that the holy union, of matrimony.”
John stood there on the stage, his back to the large windows looking out over the aft of the ship. Spockman and Philia, silently holding hands, stood facing him. Behind the two of them, Arthur, Fenchurch, Matt, Sasha, and Lanolia stood watching the proceedings in silent anticipation.
“In many cultures, marriage is a sacred time full of tradition and ceremony.” John grinned. “However, there are those who believe that such things are a bit overrated and want to get things over with so they can go and party.”
Spockman and Philia glanced at each other and smiled.
“Do you?” John asked.
"Yes,” Spockman answered.
“Do you?” John asked again.
“Sure, I guess,” Philia answered, playfully non-committal.
“Okay, you’re hitched. Hurry up and kiss her, so we can go and party!” John concluded.
Becker brought the car on an approach trajectory towards the Doorprise’s shuttle bay.
“So,” Kenny asked, “did you ever read these stories?”
“I never got around to it,” Becker admitted. “You?”
Kenny frowned. “I meant to, I just had really gotten into this book I was reading and couldn’t put it down.”
“Good book?”
Kenny nodded. “The Red Spectrum and It’s Relationship to Quasars.”
“Ah. Haven’t read that one, myself,” Becker admitted.
The party in Three-Aft was winding down. After it had been discovered that Gremlin, the hostess, was incompetent, Sasha had taken over behind the bar. Thus it was the Chief Engineer’s voice that called out, “Last orders, please!”
“Spockman, dear, why don’t you head up to the Penthouse?” Philia asked, referring to their quarters on A Deck. “I have to check on something in the science lab, and I’ll be right up.”
“See you soon,” the Captain responded as Philia made her way from the room.
Spockman took a look at his drink for a moment before taking a sip.
“I’ll take care of everything,” John told him.
“You sure?”
“Yes! Get on with you. It’s your wedding night. Have a blast. I’ll take care of your other love for you.”
“Okay. You have the con for the next, oh… when do we reach Cheap Skate Nine?”
John smiled in anticipation of his new assignment. “Ten hours, present speed. I can slow the ship down a bit…”
Spockman grinned in thanks, but responded, “No need. Ten hours will be fine. Don’t forget, there’s also tomorrow night!”
“Spockman, have fun.”
“You too. Call me if there’s any problems.” Without awaiting a response, Spockman bolted for the door.
“All right, everyone! You’ve had enough fun! Time to get back to work!” John called out.
“Work can be fun,” Commander Atanian pointed out as he pushed his black glasses up absentmindedly.
“True, so let’s continue this party on the bridge. Sasha, bring the drinks.”
Commander Matthew Atanian placed his iced tea down on his familiar navigation console as he sat himself behind it. He then used his console to tap into the Sci-Fi station, as not only would he need the practice as he was shortly going to be Cheap Skate Nine’s Sci-Fi officer, but as Philia had the night off someone would have to cover her duties.
It was then, using the ship’s scanners, that he noticed something odd. “Captain Smith?”
John Smith put down his Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. “Yes, what is it, Matt?”
“We’re being followed.”
“Followed? By who? Who by?”
“It appears to be… an Edsel?” Matt couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “It has taken up position outside the hanger bay doors.”
“This is damn peculiar,” John noted. “Any theories?”
“Well, hopefully it’s not the network here to cancel us,” Matt deadpanned.
John blinked. “Network?”
“Old SNL sketch,” Matt explained, “never mind.”
“Shall I notify the Captain and the First Officer?” Fenchurch asked.
John frowned. “Well… I hate to ruin their wedding night, but I don’t see any other choice. Spockman would want to know about this. Have security join him, Commander Prongtoid, and myself outside the hanger bay.”
Philia passed two hurrying crewmen as she headed for the science lab. She was just about to enter when Fenchurch’s voice called out through the intercom, “Captain Spockman, Commander Prongtoid, please report to the hanger deck.”
Philia swore softly and testily flicked on the nearest com-unit. “Fenchurch, what’s going on?”
“I’m sorry to disturb you, Commander. There is a craft seeking entry into the ship, but not responding to any hails. It appears to be… well, I don’t quite know how to put this…”
“Appears to be what?”
“It appears to be an automobile from my home planet.”
Philia arched an eyebrow. “Um… right.” She sighed. “Fine, I’ll be right there.” She picked up the skirt of her wedding dress and hurried down the corridor.
Spockman and Philia met up with John at the outside of the hanger bay. A couple of security officers were standing near by, just in case.
“Scans of the craft show two occupants, both human. They appear to be completely unarmed,” John informed Spockman.
“Right.” Spockman turned to the two security guards. “Looks like we won’t be needing you.”
“Hanger bay pressure equalized,” the computer announced.
The door opened.
Spockman, Philia, and John walked in.
The door closed.
One of the security guards looked at the other. The second one looked back.
They breathed a sigh of relief.
Suddenly, a five hundred pound anvil fell atop one of them as a tiger leapt seemingly from thin air and ravaged the other.
Sometimes, especially for security guards, there was just no fighting fate.
Kenny and Becker were brought to a conference room, where shortly thereafter they were joined by a group of people wearing uniforms that were similar to (but not quite like) the Starfleet Uniforms first seen in The Wrath of Kahn. Near the head of the table were too oddly dressed people, one male and one female. The male was dressed in a tuxedo and the female in a wedding dress. Their manner of dress may not have been odd under different circumstances, but it was certainly odd when one finds oneself on something that is similar to (but not quite like) a Federation Starship.
The man in a tuxedo, who had features similar to a Vulcan, spoke.
Alas, neither Kenny or Becker could understand a word he said. The blank looks they gave him attempted to communicate this.
Next, the female in the wedding dress spoke. Whatever language she used sounded rather different, but was no more understandable then what the man had used.
The man and the woman turned to another man and woman sitting at the table and spoke to them. This new male and female pair nodded and turned to Kenny and Becker.
“Um… pardon me,” the male said in a crisp British accent. “I do hope it doesn’t seem terribly rude of me to ask, but do you speak English?”
“Why yes, I do,” Kenny responded. The man looked very familiar to him for some reason.
“Me too!” Becker added.
“Oh, good,” the woman said, also speaking with a British accent. “This should simplify things.”
“Simon Jones!” Kenny exclaimed suddenly.
“What?” the man asked, taken back.
“You look just like Simon Jones.”
“Who?” the man responded. “Look, I’m terribly sorry but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Dent. Arthur Dent.”
Kenny smiled. “Of course.” He turned to Becker and whispered, “Simon Jones is the actor who played Arthur Dent, so it makes sense that Arthur would look like him.”
“Arthur Dent?” Becker asked.
“From The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.”
“That big leather book that Matt has?”
Kenny nodded.
“Well, Matt did write these John Smith stories,” Becker noted. “Makes sense in some strange way to find Hitchhiker’s characters here.”
“You know, if there are some Hitchhiker’s elements here, there are bound to be others,” Kenny noted. He turned back towards Arthur. “Mr. Dent?”
“Hello? Yes?”
“Would this ship perchance have any Babel Fish in stock? I feel they may help matters along considerably.”
Arthur turned back to the Vulcan looking man and spoke to him. A moment later the man nodded, smiled, flicked a switch on the table in front of him, and spoke unintelligible nonsense into a speaker.
The Pinto was floating adrift in space. Proctor and Justy were pretty much helpless to maneuver it.”
“Um… Captain? How do you drive in space?”
“I don’t know, you idiot!”
“Do you think they know?” Proctor pointed out of the window, indicating the space craft that was swiftly approaching.”
Justy smiled to himself. “Yes, that ship will do nicely.”
“Captain? Do you think the translation devices the Professor gave us might come in handy?”
“But of course! Um… you put yours on first.”
Proctor reached under his seat and brought out a small cap that would fit snugly on top of his head.
The cap was rainbow colored, solid lines of the different colors coming down from the top of the cap like thick lines of latitude. There was a tiny, brightly colored plastic brim at the front of the cap, and a brightly colored plastic propeller atop it.
Proctor looked at it nervously.
“Well… put it on!” Justy demanded.
Proctor swallowed, remembering Snarfinkle’s description of how the device worked. “Yes, Captain…”
He put the cap on.
Immediately, little needles from within the cap bore themselves through Proctor’s skull, seeking out the language recognition and speech centers of his brain. Proctor yelped slightly as the cap did its work. When it was finished, the propeller began to rotate slowly.
“Well?” Justy asked when the process seemed to be complete.
“Well… it itches a bit.”
“Is that all?” Justy asked.
Proctor nodded.
Justy reached under his own seat and brought out an identical headpiece. He regarded it. “This thing better work. Snarfinkle said once it was put on, only he could remove it.”
Proctor nodded, and enthusiastically repeated how difficult Snarfinkle had said the process would be.
“And it only itches a bit?”
Proctor nodded.
Justy placed the cap upon his head.
The next instant he screamed in utter and horrible pain.
When the pain subsided, Justy whapped Proctor soundly with his baton. “You idiot, I thought you said it only itched a bit!”
“Yes, Captain. Once it’s on. It hurts like hell putting it on though, doesn’t it?”
Justy stared at Proctor, as if daring his companion to repeat what he had just said. When Proctor only stared on in blissful ignorance of his heinous misdeed, Justy swung his baton once more.
A man walked in with the Babel Fish, strange yellow creatures from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy that when put in one’s ear instantly allowed that person to understand anything said to him or her in any form of language. Kenny and Becker were surprised to recognize the man.
“Mr. Atanian?” Kenny asked.
“Matt?” Becker simultaneously asked.
“Hello? Yes?” Commander Matthew Atanian responded.
“It’s me! Becker!”
“Becker who?” Matt responded.
“It’s no use, Mr. Becker,” Kenny said. He turned to Matt. “I’m sorry for the confusion, but in an alternate universe you are an Assistant Scoutmaster in our Boy Scout Troop.”
Matt looked confused. He sat.
Kenny and Becker each took a Babel Fish. Kenny instantly stuck one of them into his ear, and instructed Becker to do the same. With some reluctance, Becker did so.
“Well then,” the Vulcan looking man said, “now that we can all understand one another, what brings you to the Doorprise?”
After the pressure had equalized in the hanger bay, Justy and Proctor stepped fourth from the Pinto and headed towards the nearest door. As they approached it, a squad of security guards entered and pointed rather unpleasant looking weapons at them.
Then two figures entered.
“Holy Toupee!” Proctor inexplicably shouted upon seeing one of the two men. “Mr. Shatner, can I have your autograph?”
Both men disregarded Proctor and turned to Justy. “I… (dramatic pause) am… (dramatic pause) Gymnasium T. Flirt! This… (dramatic pause) is… (dramatic pause) my associate… (dramatic pause).”
“I am Captain Justin Schofield. Welcome aboard the I.S.S. Victorious Horizon. Now, before we kill you, what brings you here?”
“K-k-k-kill?” Proctor stammered.
Justy laughed. He laughed some more. He paused dramatically, opened his mouth as if to laugh some more, paused again instead, and then laughed.
Flirt looked at Justy.
Schofield looked at Justy.
They both looked at each other.
Then, they both laughed.
“Well, why didn’t you say so sooner?” Schofield asked. He dismissed the security squad and indicated for Justy and Proctor to follow him.
“So that’s our story,” Kenny quietly finished.
The Vulcan looking man, who Kenny and Becker had learned was a Vulquin named Spockman, sat in contemplation for a moment.
“So let me see if I can summarize this,” he said. “You are here to stop two people from your dimension from gathering an army to serve a mad genius bent on dominating your world?”
Kenny nodded.
“And if you can’t stop them, you’re planning to raise a counterforce?”
Kenny nodded again.
Spockman returned to his contemplation. He then motioned towards Philia and John, who leaned towards him and joined him in quiet conversation.
Meanwhile, Kenny took his PDA from his pocket and used it to contact his core computer back at the Laboratory. He scanned through various files until he found the desired information. He read a bit quietly to himself and smiled.
Spockman looked up from his consultation with John and Philia. “Well,” he said, “count us in.”
Kenny and Becker had been shown to guest quarters while Philia attempted to search for Justy and Proctor.
“That was easy,” Becker said.
Kenny looked up from his PDA, from which he had been reading. “Yes, well that seems consistent with this Universe.”
“What do you mean?”
Kenny held up the PDA for Becker to see. “Isn’t that…?” Becker started to ask.
Kenny nodded. “Matt’s stories.”
“Is there anything your computer doesn’t have?”
Kenny nodded again. “Of course,” he then said, “Kevin Keegan’s Football – It’s A Funny Old Game is such a bad book, who’d actually want it?”
Becker thought about this for a moment, and then dismissed it.
He thought about his headphones for a moment. He missed them. With great difficulty, he dismissed that, too.
Then he remembered his question, which he realized Kenny had only begun to answer. “So what do Matt’s stories have to do with this?” he asked.
“Well, we are in one of Matt’s stories right now,” Kenny explained. “Or, rather, inside a Universe extrapolated from his stories. I doubt he wrote about these events happening. After all, these are some of his earlier stories, and he wrote them before he knew us. Me, at least.”
“Probably me to, I think,” Becker said, nodding. He was still trying to figure out where Kenny was going with all of this. “So what?” he asked.
“Back then, you see, Matt wrote so that his characters served the plot,” Kenny continued. “Not the best way to write, you see. Much better to have the plot serve the characters.”
“He seems better with that stuff he writes now,” Becker said. “That anime fanfic he uses us all as characters in.”
“Ah, yes. Neon Genesis Boy Scouts,” Kenny responded. “He still uses the characters to service the plot on occasion, but he’s not quite as bad as he once was.”
“So what’s the point of all this?” Becker asked.
“Well, since the characters here exist mainly to service the plot, as soon as we offered up a plot they fell right into it.”
“Ah, of course!” Becker responded as if he had suspected as much all along. He hadn’t.
“In fact, this whole Universe seems to exist mainly to service the plot, “Kenny suddenly hypothesized, “which could mean trouble.”
“Oh? Why’s that?” Becker asked.
“Well, look how quickly we found allies,” Kenny said. “I can assure you that Justy and Proctor are probably having similar luck. Also, which do you think would be a better plot? We stop Justy here and now, or…”
Kenny was interrupted by the intercom chiming. “Yes?” he called out.
“Kenny, this is Philia. Would you and Mr. Becker please come down to the bridge?”
The turbodip doors opened and Kenny and Becker emerged into the bridge. “You wanted to see us, Miss Prongtoid?” Kenny asked.
“Wouldn’t she be ‘Mrs. Spockman’?” Becker asked.
“In the stories, she went by her maiden name as long as she served on the Doorprise,” Kenny explained.
Philia, servicing the plot along with the rest of the crew, patiently waited for this bit of exposition to pass before she answered Kenny’s initial question.
“We think we found the two you are looking for,” she said.
“That’s good!” Becker exclaimed.
“Not really,” Spockman responded.
It was then that Kenny and Becker noticed another starship on the viewscreen. It looked very much like a Classic Star Trek starship, except that it had a definite mean edge that your average Federation starship lacked.
“Schofield,” Spockman spat.
“Schofield?” Becker asked. He was reassured in his ignorance when he heard John Smith voice the same question.
It was now Spockman’s turn for exposition. “This was from before you joined us, John. The U.S.S. Doorprise used to be the I.S.S. Doorprise, operating under the old Imperial Galactic Government. When the Empire fell, the United Phederation of Space was one of the powers that arose in its place.”
“Ah, yes, I remember that much,” John stated.
“Well,” Spockman continued, “not every Starship Captain was happy to see the Empire go. Some of them refused to join the UPS and decided they would do whatever it took to see that the Empire did not die.”
“And Schofield was one of them?” John asked.
Spockman nodded. “You could say that. Schofield was more like their ring leader. You know, John, I think this might be a very good time to raise the shields.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” John responded. He started to do so
Before he could get the shields fully raised, however, Philia shouted, “They’re firing!”
“Evasive!” Spockman shouted.
“Too late!”
Explosions rocked the bridge. Everything tilted left, everything tilted right, arms and legs flailed wildly… but there was a small shelf in one corner of the bridge upon which sat a vase that seemed to have no purpose in being there other then to remain perfectly still, as if the bridge was not shaking like crazy.
“Get those shields up!” Spockman hollered.
“I’m trying!” John responded.
“They’re firing again!” Philia warned.
John’s panel exploded. Simultaneously, all of the lights went out, replaced with the eerie red glow of the emergency lighting. Becker coughed as smoke filled the bridge faster then the ship’s ventilation systems could clear it.
“Bridge!” came Sasha Dunbar’s voice. “We’ve got a massive radiation leak down here! I have to evacuate Engineering!”
“How long until you can make repairs?” Spockman asked her.
“Sir, I’m not sure I can. Not out here.”
Spockman closed the con channel, got up, and walked over to Philia. “Damage report?”
“Defensive systems, offensive systems, propulsion, main power… all down,” she said. “Who ever they are, they knew just where to hit us.”
“Who? Schofield’s ship is a completely different class, he wouldn’t have that kind of tactical information. Who knew just where to hit us?”
As if by magic, Fenchurch suddenly announced that she was receiving a hail.
Spockman returned to his chair. “On screen,” he said.
Four people appeared on the screen. An equal number of people within the Doorprise’s bridge gasped.
Kenny and Becker gasped upon seeing Justy and Proctor.
Spockman and Philia gasped upon seeing Gymnasium T. Flirt.
“Spockman… (dramatic pause), my Vulquin friend… (dramatic pause). It’s… (dramatic pause) been… (dramatic pause) a while.”
Spockman rose. “Flirt.”
“You… (dramatic pause) still remember. I… (dramatic pause) of course… (dramatic pause) re… (short pause) member you!”
“What is the meaning of this attack?”
Flirt smiled. “(dramatic pause) Revenge… (dramatic pause). I… (dramatic pause) have… (dramatic pause) deprived your ship of power, and… (dramatic pause) when I swing… (dramatic pause) around, I… (dramatic pause) mean… (dramatic pause) to deprive you of your… (really, really long, “can read War and Peace in it’s entirety during” type dramatic pause) life.”
“If it’s me you want, spare my ship. I’ll have myself beamed aboard.”
“Your ship?” Schofield laughed. “I suppose it is at that. After all, you destroyed the original Doorprise that you stole from Flirt when you mutinied.
“After you defeated me, Flirt and I ran into each other and over a few rounds of drinks we discovered that we had a mutual ‘friend’ in common. We knew we couldn’t rest until you were dead. Of course, killing you won’t be enough. We have to kill your beloved ship with you.”
“Come now,” Justy said, speaking freely as if amongst equals. “Surely we can’t kill them yet. There are at least two peons aboard that ship who have to live to see our grand plans come to fruition.”
“Ah… (dramatic pause) yes, so… (dramatic pause) you… (dramatic pause) had said,” Flirt responded.
“Transfer over the ones known as Kenny and Becker,” Schofield instructed, “and we will allow you time to evacuate your ship before we destroy it… and you along with it.”
Spockman swallowed. “We need time to get the Matter Transference Beams repaired. Your first attack did some damage.”
Schofield smiled. “I give you sixty seconds.”
Spockman turned away from the viewer and began to pace back and forth before his chair. “I swear to you we’re not finished yet. Keep nodding as though I’m still giving orders. Kenny?”
“Yes, Captain?”
“How long would it take for you to get your car’s dimensional transport thingy configured to take this ship with it?”
Kenny answered almost instantly. “Should take very little time at all. When I’m finished I can signal you, and then all you’d have to do is move the ship forward at forty-two miles per hour.”
Spockman nodded and Kenny headed swiftly for the turbodip, Becker just behind him.
“Captain?” Schofield impatiently asked.
“They’re headed for the Transference room now, Schofield.”
Spockman turned towards Arthur and Matt. “Set a course,” he commanded them quietly, “directly for Schofield’s ship. At Kenny’s signal, move us forward at forty-two mph.”
“Aye, sir,” they responded, barely above a whisper.
“(Dramatic pause) Captain… (dramatic pause)?” It was Flirt this time.
Spockman pivoted to face the viewer once more. “Please, you’ve got to give us time. The Transference room is a shambles, we need to make repairs.”
“Time… (dramatic pause) is… (dramatic pause) a luxury… (dramatic pause) you do… (dramatic pause) not… (dramatic pause) have.”
Spockman had to stall. He walked to the front of the bridge, standing directly before the viewer. “How do I know you’ll keep your word?” he asked.
Schofield smiled. “We’ve given you no word to keep. As I see it, you simply have no alternative.”
“I… see your point,” Spockman drily responded.
Schofield consulted his digital watch. “Time’s up.”
A little light blinked on Arthur’s console.
“Prepare to receive your guests,” Spockman said to the viewer. He then quickly turned towards Arthur and Matt. Arthur nodded and Spockman smiled.
“Engage!” Spockman commanded.
Even crippled, the ship almost instantly reached the miniscule speed of forty-two miles per hour. And when it did, it vanished.
“Shit!” Schofield said.
“(Dramatic pause) Shit… (dramatic pause)!” Flirt said.
Justy whapped Proctor with his baton.
“Ouch!” Proctor said.
“Where… (dramatic pause) did they… (dramatic pause) go?” Flirt demanded to know.
Justy smiled. “There can be only one place,” he said, “and we can take you there. Oh yes, we can.”
All eyes were on Justy as he spent the next few minutes laughing.
“Of course,” he said once he had stopped, “you must first pledge allegiance to the army of Professor Snarfinkle!”
“Anything to get another chance at Spockman,” Schofield hatefully said.
Flirt spent the next few minutes dramatically agreeing.
Justy’s laughter began anew.
The Doorprise arrived in the regular Universe… or, at least, Kenny and Becker’s home Universe. It came into being on the far side of Earth’s moon. The ship then sputtered a bit and came to a stop.
Sasha burst onto the bridge, along with Kenny and Becker. “Captain!” Sasha exclaimed.
“What is it, Sasha?”
“Sir, this ship is toast, and the butter is being spread fast. Recommend we evacuate immediately!”
“Belgium,” Spockman cursed. “I just lost one ship, now another?”
“There will be other ships, Spockman,” John said. “At least the crew is safe.”
Kenny walked over to Philia’s station. “May I?” he asked.
Philia nodded.
Kenny did a brief scan of Western Massachusetts. “Here,” he said. “Beam everyone to these coordinates. There’s enough accommodations for them there.”
“What’s there?” Philia asked.
Kenny smiled. “My Laboratory!”
...to be continued
Matt's Notes & Things
Well, this story takes us to an earlier Universe of mine… this one derived from a combination predominantly of Star Trek and Douglas Adams, although it had a bunch of other stuff mashed in as well.
For those very few of you who are familiar with Spockman Adventures and the John Smith series, the events of this story take place at the beginning
of John Smith XVIII: Through the Looking Glass. For continuity’s sake, events on the Doorprise prior to their detection of Kenny and Becker are
lifted straight from that story. (If Philia had made it to her lab before being called away when Kenny and Becker arrived, things would have turned out
differently, indeed!) For more information on Spockman Adventures and the John Smith series, please see below.
Also, the two books mentioned by Kenny are in homage to Red Dwarf.
So, what’s in store for our next adventure? Well, I haven’t quite figured that out myself, yet, so who knows? Hope to see you again soon with more Kenny’s Laboratory!!!
For those very few of you who are familiar with Spockman Adventures and the John Smith series, the events of this story take place at the beginning
of John Smith XVIII: Through the Looking Glass. For continuity’s sake, events on the Doorprise prior to their detection of Kenny and Becker are
lifted straight from that story. (If Philia had made it to her lab before being called away when Kenny and Becker arrived, things would have turned out
differently, indeed!) For more information on Spockman Adventures and the John Smith series, please see below.
Also, the two books mentioned by Kenny are in homage to Red Dwarf.
So, what’s in store for our next adventure? Well, I haven’t quite figured that out myself, yet, so who knows? Hope to see you again soon with more Kenny’s Laboratory!!!
Following are plot summeries of the stories from Matthew Atanian's earlier works: the John Smith series, and its prequel series, Spockman Adventures. These are all of the stories from these two series that would have taken place prior to the arrival of Kenny and Becker.
Stories that have a title proceeded with an asterick were actually written (although are now lost), other stories were planned but never written. These summaries are for informational purposes only, to provide context for the events of what is presented above.
If you are feeling particularly masochistic, you can attempt to read some of these via the Internet Archive Wayback Machine's reconstruction of the original John Smith Publishing, Inkorporated website. (The February 1999 capture would be the best option.) If you have anything resembling taste, however, the summeries below should be more then enough.
Stories that have a title proceeded with an asterick were actually written (although are now lost), other stories were planned but never written. These summaries are for informational purposes only, to provide context for the events of what is presented above.
If you are feeling particularly masochistic, you can attempt to read some of these via the Internet Archive Wayback Machine's reconstruction of the original John Smith Publishing, Inkorporated website. (The February 1999 capture would be the best option.) If you have anything resembling taste, however, the summeries below should be more then enough.
Spockman Adventures Plot Summaries
* Spockman Adventures, Part I: Taking the Doorprise
Commander Arnold Ziffle Spockman of the I.S.S. Doorprise mutinies against his commanding officer, Captain Gymnasium T. Flirt. Spockman promotes himself to Captain and his new girlfriend, Philia P. Prongtoid, from civilian to Commander. He gives her his old position of Executive Officer / Sci-Fi Officer. * Spockman Adventures, Part II: Shore Leave I The Imperial Galactic Government falls and the Doorprise, operating under the newly formed United Phederation of Space, is ordered to report for a refit. While on shore leave, Spockman and Philia fall through an and inexplicable portal landing in a medieval realm. The two of them are sent on a quest by a mysterious hooded figure. * Spockman Adventures, Part III: Shore Leave II: The Quest for the Hajra Spockman and Philia travel to Mount Idaho seeking a magical stone known as the Hajra. During the journey, they meet with Gauldrick Masse and his sister Sandra, who join them on their quest. * Spockman Adventures, Part IV: Shore Leave III: Completion of the Pajra After completing their quest and making another ally, Richard Falzone, Spockman and his group are confronted by the mysterious hooded figure who had sent them on their quest. He reveals himself to be the Kull Wahad -- the Knower of All Places -- and after using the Hajra to complete the magical talisman known as the Pajra, he sends Spockman, Philia, Gauldrick, Sandra, and Richard back to the Doorprise, where Spockman finds the refit has been completed. * Spockman Adventures, Part V: Maiden Voyage The refitted U.S.S. Doorprise goes on her first mission: ferrying diplomats (including Ambassador Elizabeth Fortunado) to a conference. On route, the Doorprise is attacked by Captain Justin Schofield of the I.S.S. Victorious Horizon. Spockman Adventures, Part VI: The (Former) Empire Strikes Back (Not a Star Wars parody.) Captain Schofield and his fleet of renegade starships vow to restore the former Imperial Galactic Government. Spockman Adventures, Part VII: Blockade of Castor Spockman leads a fleet of starships against Schofield. The fleet ends up blockading the Castor system in which Schofield’s forces have holed themselves up while they upgrade their ships. Spockman Adventures, Part VIII: The Really Long Title Having Nothing to Do With the Plot But the Author, Not Being In a Particularly Creative Mood, Was Hard Pressed to Come Up With a Better One. Schofield and his forces, after months of preparation, make their move but are defeated by Spockman and his fleet. * Spockman Adventures, Part IX: Sailor / Spockman On a routine patrol mission that brings the Doorprise to Earth, inefficiency on Chief Engineer Sock’s part causes damage to the ship. Spockman, Philia, Calder, Sandra, and Richard beam down to Tokyo seeking replacement parts with which to repair the ship. After beaming down, Philia is attacked by an energy draining monster known as a Cardian. Spockman Adventures, Part X: Sailor / Spockman II: Spockman’s Revenge The creature vanishes and five teen-aged girls come to the aid of Spockman and the others. The girls discover that Spockman and the others are actually aliens. Spockman discovers that the girls are actually superheroines: Sailor Moon and the Sailor Scouts. They agree to help each other, splitting into two groups: one to seek and destroy the Cardian, and the other to get the replacement parts for the Doorprise. Calder is attacked and his energy is drained, but Spockman and Sailor Moon succeed in destroying the Cardian. Shortly afterwards, Gauldrick, who Spockman had left in command of the ship while he was away, receives a report that some crewmen have been discovered unconscious, with all of their energy drained. Spockman Adventures, Part XI: Sailor / Spockman III: Negaprise Repairs proceed on the Doorprise. Meanwhile, a second Cardian continues to drain energy from the crew and then from the ship itself. Sailor Moon and the Sailor Scouts assist in fighting off the creature, and repairs are completed. Philia and Calder recover. Spockman Adventures, Part XII: The Doomsday Machine While on a routine patrol mission, the Doorprise encounters the remains of the U.S.S. Constipation, and the ancient and deadly weapon responsible for the Constipation’s destruction. Spockman Adventures, Part XIII: Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum While on a routine patrol mission, the Doorprise has an encounter with a Rumealein spacecraft. Spockman Adventures, Part XIV: All Work and No Play... While returning from a routine patrol mission, the Doorprise discovers a planet where the population has no understanding of the concept of recreation -- a concept which on this planet is illegal and punishable by death! * Spockman Adventures, Part XV: Stasis Leak The Cardian trapped in the Warp-o engine core escapes and in the process, Calder Rossi is switched with David Lister, a technician from the mining ship Red Dwarf in an alternate dimension; and Philia and new crewmember Matthew Atanian are switched with Mina and Darien in Tokyo on Earth. Spockman Adventures, Part XVI: Holly’s Folly A weird creature attacks the Red Dwarf and Calder, with the assistance of the Dwarf’s crew carry out a plan devised by ship’s computer Holly to get rid of the creature. Unfortunately, the creature ends up in Tokyo. Meanwhile, Matt and Philia get to know the Sailor Scouts and Spockman, Mina, Darien, and the rest of the Doorprise crew try to do something about the Cardian. Spockman Adventures, Part XVII: Tuxedo Matt Spockman and Company defeat the Cardian. Philia, Matt, and the Scouts defeat the creature. Everyone is returned to their home ship, planet, and/or dimension and lives happily ever after... for a bit. Spockman Adventures, Part XVIII: Fortunado’s Gambit After Pontaba Senestra, president of the Phederation Council, dies under mysterious circumstances, Ambassador Elizabeth Fortunado makes a successful bid for the presidency. Spockman Adventures, Part XIX: Empire Once More President Fortunado declares herself to be Emperor and begins restoring the former Imperial Galactic Government. Spockman Adventures, Part XX: Spockman’s Gambit Spockman manages to thwart Fortunado and restores the United Phederation of Space. |
Spockman Adventures, Part XXI: Return of the Kull Wahad
The Kull Wahad brings Spockman, Philia, Gauldrick, Sandy, Richard, Calder, and Matt Atanian back to the medieval realm in which he resides. He asks them for their assistance. The five stones of the Pajra have been stolen by an evil force who plans to use them to gain dominion over the entire Multiverse. Spockman Adventures, Part XXII: Crystal Quest Spockman and his band seek to regain the five crystals stolen from the Kull Wahad. Sometimes they are successful, and other times the crystals fall into the hands of the enemy. In the end, Spockman ends up with three of the five stones. Spockman Adventures, Part XXIII: The Pajra The leader of the enemy, an evil woman named Nightshade, captures Philia and compels Spockman to hand over his three crystals. Nightshade reassembles the Pajra. Spockman Adventures, Part XXIV: The Darkest Hour A fierce battle between the forces of goodness and the forces of darkness ensues in which both sides suffer heavy losses, including the death of Richard Falzone. Spockman eventually prevails, and the grateful Kull Wahad returns the Vulquin and his party back to the Doorprise, all save for Gauldrick, who remained behind to rule a kingdom. After returning to the Doorprise, Sandra leaves for starfleet academy where she plans to attend the Engineering School and Calder receives word that he is being promoted to Captain and is assigned the command of the U.S.S. Pig Orgasm. Spockman Adventures, Part XXV: Search for a New Plot Revisited Bored, Spockman and Philia decide to take an impromptu vacation. They depart the Doorprise in a shuttlecraft, taking along Lieutenant Matthew Atanian and Lieutenant Michelle Mello to serve as pilots on their journey. Somewhere around Alpha Proxima, the shuttlecraft narrowly avoids a collision with another craft and crash lands into the third moon of Cultris B... John Smith Plot Summaries
* John Smith Zero: Earth, the First Days
John Smith is stranded on Earth by the evil Graybeard and has to adjust to life there until he can escape. * John Smith: Escape from Earth John Smith, after a thirty year exile, escapes from the planet Earth. * The Further Exploits Of John Smith John runs into and hooks up with an old friend Ford Prefect and Ford's semi-cousin, Zaphod Beeblebrox. * John Smith III: Cops and Robbers Galactic Police hunt Zaphod for stealing a spaceship. * John Smith IV: The Continuing Adventure John, Ford, and Zaphod barely manage to stay one step ahead of the cops. * John Smith V: Excitement, Adventure, And Really Wild Things Slartibartfast rescues John and the others from the police. John goes off with Slartibartfast and saves the Universe. * John Smith VI: The Search for a New Plot John and Arthur run into Captain Spockman of the U.S.S. Doorprise. * John Smith VII: Looking For Love At All the Wrong Parties Lt. Atanian gets rejected by his would-be girlfriend. * John Smith VIII: All the Right Parties John, Arthur, and Matt find love. Spockman and Philia make love. Then everything goes to hell. * John Smith IX: Retaking the Doorprise Spockman replaces the Doorprise's command crew with his new friends. The Doorprise investigates destroyed planets and stumbles into the Borg. * John Smith X: There Goes the Quadrant The Doorprise crew tries with little success to stop the Borg and in the process, discovers the Genocide Device. * John Smith XI: Nocutie Spockman is captured by the Borg and made into one of them. Philia falters when expected to give an order to fire a new weapon devised to destroy the Borg. * John Smith XII: Genocide The new weapon fails, and the Borg go on to destroy a fleet of forty starships. John is given command of the Doorprise. * John Smith XIII: When Worlds Collide John devises a plan to destroy the Borg which succeeds but, due to interference from Graybeard apparently causes John’s death. Spockman recovers from his ordeal with the Borg. * John Smith XIV: Returning... Philia is reassigned to the U.S.S. Gruesome to study the Genocide planet. Starfleet decommissions the Doorprise. Lanolia begins exhibiting a rare mental disorder brought about by John's death. After talking with an elusive man named Connor Macleod, Spockman and his crew steal the Doorprise and head off to Genocide. * John Smith XV: ...To Genocide On Genocide, Philia discovers John alive and apparently immortal. Philia gives birth to a baby boy who ages rapidly due to radiation left over from the planet's formation. Graybeard destroys the Gruesome and takes John, Philia, and her son captive. * John Smith XVI: Death of a Starship Graybeard kills Spockman's son to force his surrender. Spockman destroys the Doorprise rather then give up. * John Smith XVII: Consequences Spockman and the crew venture down to Genocide. Graybeard offers John ultimate power. John declines, and he and the others escape from Genocide moments before the planet self destructs. Graybeard vows to return. After reaching safety, Spockman is given command of a new U.S.S. Doorprise and John is assigned command of Cheap Skate Nine. * John Smith XVIII: Through the Looking Glass Spockman and Philia wed. On the way to Cheap Skate Nine, the U.S.S. Doorprise crosses over into an alternate reality and ends up at Deep Space Nine instead. (This is the story which was interrupted by the arrival of Kenny and Becker. Fitting, I suppose, that they should have still ended up traveling to an alternate dimension, this time that of Boy Scouts ½!) |