My Preoccupation with Squirrels
by Michael D. Quadrozzi
©1998 by Michael D. Quadrozzi and Matthew Atanian
Boy Scouts ½ created by Matthew Atanian
by Michael D. Quadrozzi
©1998 by Michael D. Quadrozzi and Matthew Atanian
Boy Scouts ½ created by Matthew Atanian
I never used to like squirrels.
I mean, I never disliked them I had never gone out of my way to harm a squirrel, it's just that I had never really paid them any notice before. They were just another little forrest creature, a furry thing that jumped around in the trees.
And then Matt had to write Boy Scouts ½.
Now they're all I think about.
During school, during dinner, at night! The only image that fills my head is squirrels! I can't eat, I can't sleep! All day long rats with fuzzy tails bound their way around my brain, squeaking and twitching their cute little noses! I only wear grey clothes! I'm getting my room plastered with squirrel wallpaper! I've forced myself onto a strict diet of nuts and tree bark! I look out the window during my free time at the trees and my family and friends ask me what's wrong and I wail, "IT'S THE SQUIRRELS! The SQUIRRELS!"
So now you see what my problem is. The things have infiltraited every part of my life. I can't walk through the woods anymore or I wouldn't come home. They'd find me weeks later, with their dogs and search party, curled up in a crevice with a family of grey squirrels, and they'd shudder and say, "Oh, the poor boy, he thinks he's a squirrel! Dear God, he thinks he's a squirrel!" And they'd ship me off to the looney bin where the doctors with their clipboards and Greman accents would try to talk to me in my padded cell but I wouldn't listen because I'd be eating my nuts and they'd say, "Why do you eat the nuts?" And I'd say, "Because I'm a squirrel!" And they'd shake their heads and walk out of the room saying, "Oh, what a sad case of Quadrozzi syndrome," because that's what they'd call it! I'd have a desease named after me! "Oh, poor Tommy, he's got Quadrozzi syndrome." "What's that?" "Oh, it's so sad, he thinks he's a squirrel!"
It took me a long time to get enough courage to write this, but now that I have I feel better. I really do. I know that there's hope. It migt be too late for me, but it isn't for you! It's not too late for you! Save yourselves and your children! Stay away from the squirrels!
Or they'll control you.
I want some more nuts. Doctor! More nuts!
I mean, I never disliked them I had never gone out of my way to harm a squirrel, it's just that I had never really paid them any notice before. They were just another little forrest creature, a furry thing that jumped around in the trees.
And then Matt had to write Boy Scouts ½.
Now they're all I think about.
During school, during dinner, at night! The only image that fills my head is squirrels! I can't eat, I can't sleep! All day long rats with fuzzy tails bound their way around my brain, squeaking and twitching their cute little noses! I only wear grey clothes! I'm getting my room plastered with squirrel wallpaper! I've forced myself onto a strict diet of nuts and tree bark! I look out the window during my free time at the trees and my family and friends ask me what's wrong and I wail, "IT'S THE SQUIRRELS! The SQUIRRELS!"
So now you see what my problem is. The things have infiltraited every part of my life. I can't walk through the woods anymore or I wouldn't come home. They'd find me weeks later, with their dogs and search party, curled up in a crevice with a family of grey squirrels, and they'd shudder and say, "Oh, the poor boy, he thinks he's a squirrel! Dear God, he thinks he's a squirrel!" And they'd ship me off to the looney bin where the doctors with their clipboards and Greman accents would try to talk to me in my padded cell but I wouldn't listen because I'd be eating my nuts and they'd say, "Why do you eat the nuts?" And I'd say, "Because I'm a squirrel!" And they'd shake their heads and walk out of the room saying, "Oh, what a sad case of Quadrozzi syndrome," because that's what they'd call it! I'd have a desease named after me! "Oh, poor Tommy, he's got Quadrozzi syndrome." "What's that?" "Oh, it's so sad, he thinks he's a squirrel!"
It took me a long time to get enough courage to write this, but now that I have I feel better. I really do. I know that there's hope. It migt be too late for me, but it isn't for you! It's not too late for you! Save yourselves and your children! Stay away from the squirrels!
Or they'll control you.
I want some more nuts. Doctor! More nuts!