Presents:
How to Be a Successful Feline
by William Hughes
©1999 by William Hughes and Matthew Atanian
Boy Scouts ½ created by Matthew Atanian
How to Be a Successful Feline
by William Hughes
©1999 by William Hughes and Matthew Atanian
Boy Scouts ½ created by Matthew Atanian
It is important to understand the basics of felinity to be a successful cat. This short paper will deal with all you need to know, to be a feline. It is useful to note that this paper will not incur the ability to transform, ‘morph,’ metamorphosise or otherwise physically become a cat. It is up to you to perform that action yourself.
This paper is divided up into four sections, to help you cover cat-ness. The sections are: Cat Mentality, Cat Science, Cat Physics, and Becoming a Cat.
This paper is divided up into four sections, to help you cover cat-ness. The sections are: Cat Mentality, Cat Science, Cat Physics, and Becoming a Cat.
Cat Mentality:
It is necessary to get into the proper mindset to be a successful cat. First, you must understand one basic law: Cats Are Lazy. There are no two ways
about it. To be a cat, you must be lazy. Cats do not exercise excessively; they do not work overly hard at anything. To be a cat, you must be lazy.
Furthermore, you must also be intelligent. Cat intelligence is innate, and quite important. It does not do to be a stupid cat. To prove this, take a dog and a cat:
The cat sits around the house, does nearly nothing, and gets fed. The dog, on the other hand, runs around, chasing pointless objects, and completely tiring himself out for a bowl of food. Taking this into account, which animal would you say is the smarter? The dog, who wears himself out every day, or the cat, who sits and gets pampered for her food. The cat, of course.
This leads into the third necessary mentality: Cats Are Superior. Again, there are no two ways about it. Cats are, of course, the highest being on this planet, and on many more. Again, it is possible to give scientific proof for this. Just watch the show “Garfield and Friends.”
To be a successful cat, it is then apparent that you must remember three things about yourself: You are lazy, intelligent and superior. These three simple things feed off of each other, and swirl you into a paragon of felinity. The author is not responsible for any damages caused by following this paper.
about it. To be a cat, you must be lazy. Cats do not exercise excessively; they do not work overly hard at anything. To be a cat, you must be lazy.
Furthermore, you must also be intelligent. Cat intelligence is innate, and quite important. It does not do to be a stupid cat. To prove this, take a dog and a cat:
The cat sits around the house, does nearly nothing, and gets fed. The dog, on the other hand, runs around, chasing pointless objects, and completely tiring himself out for a bowl of food. Taking this into account, which animal would you say is the smarter? The dog, who wears himself out every day, or the cat, who sits and gets pampered for her food. The cat, of course.
This leads into the third necessary mentality: Cats Are Superior. Again, there are no two ways about it. Cats are, of course, the highest being on this planet, and on many more. Again, it is possible to give scientific proof for this. Just watch the show “Garfield and Friends.”
To be a successful cat, it is then apparent that you must remember three things about yourself: You are lazy, intelligent and superior. These three simple things feed off of each other, and swirl you into a paragon of felinity. The author is not responsible for any damages caused by following this paper.
Cat Science:
Yes, its true, cats are a science all unto themselves. To fully comprehend these complex beings one must learn the following laws of cat-ness:
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lie on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
And, most importantly:
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
Once you know and understand these simple laws, it is now just a matter (or anti-matter) of putting them into effect.
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lie on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
And, most importantly:
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
Once you know and understand these simple laws, it is now just a matter (or anti-matter) of putting them into effect.
Cat Physics:
(Or, being a physical cat.)
(Or, being a physical cat.)
If you understand correctly the laws outlined above, then the next section, which deals with putting the laws above into effect, will be remarkably easy.
To be a cat, you must understand that all things must revolve around you, the cat. This is because you are a cat. Cat-ness confers a certain measure of perfection upon the cat. The better cat, the more perfection. A perfect cat, therefore, is the same as being a Goddess (There are no Gods, because, to be perfect, you must be female. The closest a male can come is demigoddom). Most of us will never reach that level of perfection, but we can always hope to ever come closer.
To be a paragon of cat-ness, you must remember the three cardinal rules of felinity: Laziness, Superiority and Intelligence. These helpful pointers will
help point you in the right direction:
When at all possible, don’t do anything. Unless there is a pressing reason to do something, don’t do it.
Remember that the only things better than you are those cats who have achieved goddess status. Several demigods may or may not also be ranked above you, as well.
And, most importantly, if you ever make a mistake, hide all evidence, destroy all witnesses and act like there was never anything to make a mistake on in the first place. This will protect both your intelligence and your superiority.
The author is not to be held responsible for anything or anyone that is a direct or indirect offspring, offshoot, or action or consequence of this paper.
To be a cat, you must understand that all things must revolve around you, the cat. This is because you are a cat. Cat-ness confers a certain measure of perfection upon the cat. The better cat, the more perfection. A perfect cat, therefore, is the same as being a Goddess (There are no Gods, because, to be perfect, you must be female. The closest a male can come is demigoddom). Most of us will never reach that level of perfection, but we can always hope to ever come closer.
To be a paragon of cat-ness, you must remember the three cardinal rules of felinity: Laziness, Superiority and Intelligence. These helpful pointers will
help point you in the right direction:
When at all possible, don’t do anything. Unless there is a pressing reason to do something, don’t do it.
Remember that the only things better than you are those cats who have achieved goddess status. Several demigods may or may not also be ranked above you, as well.
And, most importantly, if you ever make a mistake, hide all evidence, destroy all witnesses and act like there was never anything to make a mistake on in the first place. This will protect both your intelligence and your superiority.
The author is not to be held responsible for anything or anyone that is a direct or indirect offspring, offshoot, or action or consequence of this paper.
Becoming a Cat:
There is a large amount of different ways to become a feline. One of the easiest, of course, is to have perfect karma when you die. You will be reincarnated as a cat.
Of course, most of us cannot achieve such a state of grace, so we must use an alternative.
Such alternatives are: Thaumatergy, Alchemy, Necromancy, Ecomancy, The Black Arts, the Red Arts, the Purple with Yellow Polka Dotted Arts, Metamorphosis, my cousin Fred, or genetic manipulation.
Of course, the easiest way to become a cat is:
Jusenkyo Spring.
Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy you new-found cat-hood.
Of course, most of us cannot achieve such a state of grace, so we must use an alternative.
Such alternatives are: Thaumatergy, Alchemy, Necromancy, Ecomancy, The Black Arts, the Red Arts, the Purple with Yellow Polka Dotted Arts, Metamorphosis, my cousin Fred, or genetic manipulation.
Of course, the easiest way to become a cat is:
Jusenkyo Spring.
Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy you new-found cat-hood.