Backstage at the ADM arena, Toro Watanabe was muttering to himself. “Evil Tamahome, evil Tamahome… Blast that Guy!”
For some reason, during the latest show Guy had deemed it necessary to “correct” Toro every time he had referred to Tamahome by insisting he refer to him as, “Evil Tamahome.”
Toro hated being corrected.
Guy, meanwhile, was off to the side, his latest Toro-inflicted head injury being bandaged by Washu, decked out in her nurse’s costume. He noticed Toro and waved him over. “Toro!”
Toro sighed. “What do you want, Guy?”
“Hey, after I’m done here, want to go out and throw a few back?” Guy asked as if nothing had happened.
The blissfully ignorant look on his co-host’s face made it almost impossible for Toro to hold himself back from wielding The Makihashi Mallet once more. He stopped himself however, as another, much more fiendish and insidious plan began to form itself in his brain.
“Nah,” Toro said. “We need to get to sleep early tonight so we can be fresh for that photo shoot tomorrow morning.”
“But Toro, you know how much trouble I have getting to sleep without a 120 proof blood supply!”
Toro smiled. “Guy, my friend, perhaps all you need is a little light reading before bed.” Toro put down his briefcase, opened it up, and pulled out a thick stack of papers that he then handed to Guy.
“Boy Scouts ½?” Guy said, looking at them.
Toro nodded. His smile widened.
“I thought you said that fanfiction gave you nightmares if you read it before you went to sleep?”
“What?” Toro feigned shock. “I never said that! No, you must be mistaken. The best nights of sleep I’ve ever gotten was after reading a bit of the ol’ Boy Scouts ½!”
“Well, if you say so, Toro, it must be true!”
“Of course it’s true,” Toro said reassuringly. “Have I ever led you astray?”
For some reason, during the latest show Guy had deemed it necessary to “correct” Toro every time he had referred to Tamahome by insisting he refer to him as, “Evil Tamahome.”
Toro hated being corrected.
Guy, meanwhile, was off to the side, his latest Toro-inflicted head injury being bandaged by Washu, decked out in her nurse’s costume. He noticed Toro and waved him over. “Toro!”
Toro sighed. “What do you want, Guy?”
“Hey, after I’m done here, want to go out and throw a few back?” Guy asked as if nothing had happened.
The blissfully ignorant look on his co-host’s face made it almost impossible for Toro to hold himself back from wielding The Makihashi Mallet once more. He stopped himself however, as another, much more fiendish and insidious plan began to form itself in his brain.
“Nah,” Toro said. “We need to get to sleep early tonight so we can be fresh for that photo shoot tomorrow morning.”
“But Toro, you know how much trouble I have getting to sleep without a 120 proof blood supply!”
Toro smiled. “Guy, my friend, perhaps all you need is a little light reading before bed.” Toro put down his briefcase, opened it up, and pulled out a thick stack of papers that he then handed to Guy.
“Boy Scouts ½?” Guy said, looking at them.
Toro nodded. His smile widened.
“I thought you said that fanfiction gave you nightmares if you read it before you went to sleep?”
“What?” Toro feigned shock. “I never said that! No, you must be mistaken. The best nights of sleep I’ve ever gotten was after reading a bit of the ol’ Boy Scouts ½!”
“Well, if you say so, Toro, it must be true!”
“Of course it’s true,” Toro said reassuringly. “Have I ever led you astray?”
*Begin Transmission*
Broadcasting around the globe, to several parallel dimensions, the leader in Anime-related Brutality Sports Entertainment...
Broadcasting around the globe, to several parallel dimensions, the leader in Anime-related Brutality Sports Entertainment...
(Killing Spree Jamboree 2000)
+Pyrotechnics explode and thousands of fans jump to their feet. They’re all women, and they’re all wearing “I LOVE GUY” t-shirts.+
Audience: *In Unison* We love you Guy!
+A suave laugh comes as we cut to the announcer’s booth. We see that the laugh is coming from Guy Makahashi, dressed in a shiny new tuxedo. His hair is immaculately combed and his teeth and eyes sparkle with brilliance unparalleled by the brightest stars in the heavens. Next to him sits Toro Watanabe, wearing a diaper, a dunce’s cap, and nothing else. For some inexplicable reason, he is holding a cat by the tail. Much to the cat’s displeasure, Toro is swinging it around violently.+
Guy: I’m Guy Makahashi!
Cat: Mreoowwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!
+Guy good-naturedly chuckles as he ducks to avoid a close pass by the cat.+
Toro: And I’m the biggest idiot in the world!
Guy: *still laughing in suave good nature* Yes, of course you are, Toro.
+Toro hits himself in the forehead with the cat and tumbles backwards out of the announcer’s booth. Guy laughs good naturedly.+
Guy: Oh my! Looks like once again we’ll need someone to fill in for poor Toro.
+Matt Atanian drops down from the ceiling in a rig like the one Tom Cruse had in Mission Impossible. He lands right in the seat that Toro vacated and unclasps the harness.+
Matt Atanian: Mind if I fill in?
Guy: Not at all, my friend. As a matter of fact, I can’t think of anyone better to guest host, as this is a Boy Scouts ½ related Deathmatch special!
Matt: Another one? Toro’s had two of these dreams already.
+Guy laughs good naturedly.+
Guy: Well, I suppose it’s time for our first match. For this match, Derek Provost of Troop 180 will be locked in a hermetically sealed dome that we’ve specially installed over the ring. And as of yet, he doesn’t even know who his opponent will be.
Matt: That’s right. It’s a mystery opponent for Derek. And here to interview him before the match, we have a special guest interviewer.
Guy: Or shall we say… interviewers?
Matt: That’s right, Guy. Here to interview Derek is…
Guy and Matt: The entire female cast of Goldenboy!
+Cut backstage to find Derek Provost standing in a puddle of drool. Standing with him is the president of Tian Software, wearing a red dress so tight and revealing that she may as well be wearing nothing at all; Naoko in her school uniform; Noriko from the noodle shop; Ayuko Hayamizu clad in her thin bathing suit; Reiko Terayama in her racing clothes, sitting astride her motorcycle and occasionally revving the engine; and Chie from the anime studio.+
Madame President: Derek, thank you for speaking to us.
Derek: *drooling* No problem.
Naoko: So, Derek, this is your third appearance in Anime Deathmatch, is it not?
Derek: *drooling* Yes, it is. I almost feel more at home here then I do within the regular Boy Scouts ½ series. Here, I feel as if I have a part to play… as if I’m important.
Noriko: And you don’t feel so in Boy Scouts ½?
Derek: *drooling* Here I’ve done everything from help announce a match to successfully compete in a match of my own.
Ayuko: But didn’t you loose your match?
Derek: *drooling* Technically, I suppose… But it sure was worth it!
+Derek drools at the memory of Ayeka and Ryoko.+
Reiko: And in Boy Scouts ½ you don’t feel as important?
Derek: *drooling* No! All I am there is a two-bit character who spends all of his time lusting after women or cowering in fear from a small aluminum can. Mind you, the lust part I don’t mind… But that Kiwi/Mocha Fruit Juice is just too much! I don’t want people to think that all I am is some guy who is afraid of fruit juice!
Chie: Thank you very much, Derek.
Derek: *drooling* No problem. What are you ladies doing after the show? Want to get together?
All: Sorry, Derek. We’ve got to find Kentaro!
+Derek pouts.+
Derek: *under his breath* Lucky bastard…
All: Back to you, Guy.
+Cut back to Guy and Matt in the announcer’s booth.+
Guy: Thank you, ladies.
Matt: Well, Derek is being led into the ring now by Mills Lane.
+Cut to the ring.+
Vince (on PA): Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Otaku and Otakettes, children of all ages, and special guests from the Batley Townswomen’s Guild… This is ANIME DEATHMATCH!!!
+Audience breaks into a frenzy of cheers, except for one group of old ladies covered in mud who are too busy attacking each other and clubbing one another with their purses.+
Vince (on PA): Coming into the ring now, returning from his glorious defeat in the last BS½ Deathmatch, from Troop 180, Derek “The Walking Hormone” Provost!
Mills: All right, Derek, I want a good clean fight. When you’re ready, give us the signal and we’ll lower the dome.
Derek: Um… where’s my opponent?
Mills: You’ll find out soon enough. Now, let’s get it on!
+Mills walks out of the ring, leaving a very confused Derek behind. Derek gives a weak thumbs-up and a huge, clear dome lowers from the ceiling.+
Guy: That dome is specially crafted from Transparent Gundarium Alloy, making it virtually impervious to any form of attack.
+The dome makes contact with the ring and a series of noises come from the sealing mechanisms.+
Matt: And there go the seals. Now not even a microbe can get in or out of that ring.
Guy: You could release e-coli inside the ring and feel safe taking your family on a picnic right next to it.
Matt: And there’s still no sign of Derek’s opponent. Are we just going to sit here and wait until Derek asphyxiates? That could take a while…
Guy: Wait! Something’s happening… A small panel has opened in the center of the ring and something is being raised up… Can it be?
Matt: I think it is…
Derek: NoooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
+Derek watches in horror as a small aluminum can is raised into the ring. The can is quite beaten up, covered in gouges, scratches, bite marks, and blood… But it is still completely intact and unopened.+
+The bell rings+
Derek: NoooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Matt: And so far, Derek is just standing there in shock.
Guy: Kiwi/Mocha seems to be taking its time sizing up its opponent.
Matt: This could take a while. Even though technically this match has started, shall we go over the stats?
Guy: Yes, let’s.
Name: Derek Provost
Bio: Member of Troop 180 and frequent guest in Fan-fic inspired nightmares of ADM hosts.
Name: Kiwi/Mocha Fruit Juice
Bio: Mysterious, unopenable can of unspeakable vileness and frequent guest in the nightmares of Derek Provost
Matt: Derek seems to have recovered from his initial shock and is cautiously circling his opponent. The Kiwi/Mocha is confident and has yet to make a move.
Guy: Derek feints left… He feints right…
Matt: He charges! Oh my god!
Guy: Derek is swinging madly, left and right! The can is taking it without even breaking a sweat! It’s inhuman!
Matt: Derek delivers a swinging kick! The can goes flying into the dome!
Guy: The can uses the ricochet from the dome to launch a flying attack at Derek! It’s moving at a fantastic speed! Can Derek move in time?
Matt: No! Derek’s stuck like a dear in headlights…
Guy: Like shit on shingles…
Matt: Like Lum on Ataru… Lucky bastard…
+The can flies at Derek and hits him smack dab in the middle of the forehead with such force that his head explodes, splattering on the inside of the dome. The can hits the dome again and falls to the ring, rolls a bit, and comes to a stop… still perfectly intact.+
Guy: That had to hurt!
Matt: Actually, I doubt he had time to feel a thing.
Guy: Well, on to our next match!
Matt: One is the nicest money grubbing conniver you could hope to meet. The other is a pet with a secret.
Guy: When secrets are revealed, will this poor kitty stand a chance? I think we’re in for some carnage tonight, folks!
Matt: Let’s see those stats!
Name: Nicole Porter
Bio: member of Girl Scout Troop 42, a nice girl if a) she doesn’t want your money or b) you haven’t been pretending to be a cat so you can take advantage of her and she finds out
Name: Neko-chan
Bio: Nicole’s pet cat… so she thinks…
+Mills Lane leads Nicole into the ring. Neko-chan is already there, leashed onto the opposite corner of the ring and frantically trying to get away.+
Nicole: So let me get this straight. All I have to do is spray Neko-chan with a water gun and I get two hundred bucks?
Mills: That’s what they told you, missy. Here, I was instructed to give you this.
+Mills hands Nicole a super-soaker with steam rising from it.+
Nicole: Um… Okay. I’m sure Neko-chan will understand. It’s only water.
+Neko-chan’s frantic escape attempts increase dramatically but prove no less futile.+
Mills: Let’s get it on!
+Bell rings.+
Guy: This could get ugly.
Matt: I hope no one in the audience ate recently.
Nicole: Neko-chan, calm down! It’s only water. Do this for me and I’ll get you some of the expensive cat food, okay?
+Neko-chan meows pitifully, as if pleading.+
Matt: I can’t bear to watch!
+Nicole aims and fires. Neko-chan is enveloped in a cloud of steam.+
Neko-chan: Meeooooooouuuuch! That’s hot!
Nicole: Neko-chan…? You… You spoke?
+The steam begins to clear, revealing Bill Hughes leashed to the corner post. He is frantically untying the leash.+
Nicole: … … …
Bill: Um… hi.
Guy: How long do you think it’ll take her to figure it all out?
Matt: To figure out that her beloved pet cat, who has seen her change clothes, who has shared her bed, was Hughes all along?
+Guy nods.+
Matt: I give it another zero point three five seven seconds.
Nicole: You… It was you all along? It was you… all along!?!?
Hughes: Oh shit…
Nicole: Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
+With each cry of “Die!” Nicole brings her foot down hard on Hughes’ head.+
Guy: How can he take that kind of punishment?
Hughes: Please… Nicole, I love you!
Nicole: Love? Love!?
Matt: Oh my god! She’s gouged his eyes out!
Nicole: That was for all of the times you… you looked at me!
+Hughes howls in pain.+
Guy: What’s that she just put on her arm?
Matt: Looks like some kind of clawed gauntlet. I don’t even want to know where she got it!
Guy: Oh my god! She’s… She’s…
Matt: She’s literally tearing his heart out!
Guy: If this wasn’t fiction, I think I’d be sick!
Matt: This isn’t a match, it’s a massacre!
Guy: But sometimes, that’s just what the ADM fans enjoy!
Audience (except the Batley Townwomen’s Guild, who are still fighting amongst themselves): Nicole! Nicole! Nicole!
+Nicole stands over the fallen Hughes. Hughes, a look of terror on his face, looks up at her as she begins to feed on his still beating heart.+
Matt: I think things are starting to become a bit too excessive for my tastes.
Guy: But aren’t you writing this?
Matt: Yeah… what am I thinking?
Guy: Well, we do seem to have a clear-cut winner, Shall we move onto the next match?
Matt: Yes, let’s.
Guy: All right! The main event!
Matt: In the past, we’ve had the Jusenkyo Scouts vs. the Sailor Scouts… we’ve had Matt vs. Jason… What could we possibly do to top that? What would be the ultimate Boy Scouts ½ related Deathmatch?
Guy: A team up of Matt, Mike, and Jason vs. Rumiko Takahashi, Chris Carter, and Kevin Smith?
Matt: That one’s not for Deathmatch, but it’s coming coon to Court TV.
Guy: Ah…
Matt: Also in the past, we’ve had Kuntz vs. Kuno… Perfume vs. Shampoo… But now… The ultimate team-up of Boy Scouts ½ vs. Ranma ½!
Guy: No way! You don’t mean…?
Matt: Here we are folks! Matt Atanian, Mike Quadrozzi, Aaron Abdowmassy, and Bill Gelinas vs. Ranma Saotome, Genma Saotome, Ryoga Hibiki, and Mousse!
Guy: Well, you’d better get down to the ring, then. What shall I do for a co-host?
Matt: No, I’m author-Matt. Competing in the match is character-Matt.
Guy: Ah. But hold on, didn’t Matt and Aaron die in their last Deathmatch appearance?
Matt: Hey, Guy. This is your dream. You figure it out.
Guy: Well, our own John “Fanboy” Hoelscher earlier did interviews with both teams. Let’s go to those now.
+Cut to John, dressed as Char Aznable, in the BS½ locker room with Team Boy Scouts.+
John: So, this is actually your second time in the Deathmatch ring, is it not?
Matt: That’s right, John. It’s good to be back.
John: Even though you died last time, didn’t you, Matt?
Matt: *rubbing his neck* Yeah, I suppose I did… But still, my team one last time, kicking some serious Sailor Moon ass, and we intend to kick even more ass this time.
John: Does it concern any of you that your opponents are trained martial artists and you are… well, you’re nothing?
Mike: That did worry us at first, but we sat down and had a nice chat amongst ourselves and we came up with what we hope will be a winning strategy.
John: One of your former teammates is not fighting with you this evening.
Aaron: That’s right, Hughes has his own match.
John: Are you worried about this loss in your numbers?
Aaron: Well, not particularly. After all, if we had him, our team would have one more then our opponents. Not terribly fair if you ask me.
John: Not terribly fair, even considering that you’re going up against – let me stress this again – four superbly trained martial artists?
Aaron: Well… um…
John: How do you feel about Hughes’s match tonight?
Gelinas: Well, it was nice knowing Hughes. We’ll miss him.
John: So you don’t suspect he’ll have much of a chance?
Matt, Mike, Aaron, and Gelinas: No way in hell!
+Cut to John, now dressed as Kodai Susumu, in the Ranma ½ locker room with Team Ranma+
John: So, how do you guys feel about Boy Scouts ½?
Ranma: How dare they call themselves Ranma Fanfiction? I’m nowhere in it!
Genma: Ranma, my boy, don’t be such a whiner!
Ryoga: You’ve got it lucky, Ranma! I’m the only Ranma character who does appear regularly, and all they ever have me doing is wandering around lost!
Ranma: So? How’s that different from usual?
Ryoga: What was that, Ranma!?
John: Um… guys, save it for your opponents! So, Mousse, what are your thoughts?
+Mousse glomps onto John.+
Mousse: Shampoo!!
John: *sweatdrop* Put your glasses on!
+Mousse does as instructed.+
Mousse: Hey! You’re not Shampoo!
+Mousse shoves John away, throwing him into the lockers. The lockers become quite dented and John slumps over, unconscious.+
+Cut back to Guy and Matt.+
Guy: So, Matt, any predictions on the outcome of this match?
Matt: As I am writing this, it would be unfair of me to make such predictions. Suffice to say, the outcome shall probably be the last thing anyone expects.
Guy: So, Akane will appear, she and Ranma will finely admit they love each other, Sarah will appear and declare her love for Matt, both teams will get together and go out for a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant, and everyone will live happily ever after?
Matt: Um… no. Make that the second to last thing anyone would expect.
Vince (on PA): Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Otaku and Otakettes, children of all ages, and special guests from the Batley Townswomen’s Guild… Time for the main event!!!!!
+Audience breaks into a renewed frenzy, except for the Batley Townswomen’s Guild who are still too busy attacking each other and clubbing one another with their purses.+
Vince: Coming into the ring, here for their second time, from Springfield, Massachusetts… Team Boy Scouts… THE JUSENKYO SCOUTS!!!
+Audience bursts out cheering, except for the Moonies who hiss and boo.+
Character-Matt: I don’t think they like us…
Mike: Well, Sailor Moon’s gained a pretty big following… I’m sure they still remember our victory over her.
Aaron: I hope they’re ready for a repeat performance!
Vince: And now coming into the ring, hailing from the Nerima District of Tokyo, Japan… Team Ranma!
+The whole audience bursts into tremendous applause and cheers, even the Moonies.+
Gelinas: Somehow I don’t think we’re the favorites here…
Character-Matt, Mike, and Aaron: SHUT UP, BILL!
Mills: Right! Will the team leaders come forward?
+Character-Matt and Ranma walk to the center of the ring, where Mills Lane is standing.+
Mills: Okay, this is a four-on-four free for all match, no holds barred, hot and cold running hoses provided at each corner of the ring. Once the bell rings, the match continues until one entire team is mashed into a sweet bloody pulp. You understand?
+Ranma nods. Character-Matt gulps and nods.+
Mills: Okay! Let’s get it on!
+Bell rings.+
Guy: And both teams are so far staying on their sides of the ring, sizing each-other up.
Matt: A pity that these are the Boy Scouts ½ characters competing and not their real-life counterparts… I know some information that I’m sure could be
used against them.
Guy: Such as?
+Matt suddenly stands up and points down into the ring.+
Matt: *shouting* Look! A hundred-yen coin!
Genma: What? Where?
Guy: I can’t believe it! Genma is looking for the coin, leaving himself open to attack! Oh, and Aaron delivers a swift shoulder into Genma’s heavily padded stomach!
Ranma: Yo, old man! Haven’t you learned yet not to fall for that old trick?
Genma: Ranma, my boy, have I not taught you to respect your elders? You shame me, boy…
Ranma: Find me some elders worth respecting, and maybe I will!
Guy: What an unexpected development as Ranma and Genma suddenly start fighting each other!
Matt: How is that an unexpected development?
Guy: Didn’t you give Team Boy Scouts an unfair advantage with that hundred-yen ploy?
Matt: What can I say? I am a benevolent God…
Ryoga: What are you two doing? Those Boy Scouts are the enemy!
+Aaron grabs one of the hoses and sprays Ryoga with cold water.+
Guy: Had to happen sooner or later… Let the fun begin!
+Mousse grabs a hose and sprays Mike. Character-Matt grabs a hose and attempts to spray Mousse, but Ranma and Genma tumble in the way and end up getting hit. Mousse turns his hose on Character-Matt. Matty then succeeds in getting Mousse.+
Matt: Lots and lots of changing going on down there… Now Ranma got Aaron and Gelinas.
Guy: It all comes down to opposite forms.
Voice: Pretty ladies!!
Guy and Matt: Oh, no…
+Ranma and Matty scream as Happosai appears from nowhere and attempts to glomp onto them in rather… delicate places.+
Ranma: Take that, you old freak!
Matty: And that!
Guy: An unexpected development…
Matt: Happosai appearing and glomping every attractive woman in a ten kilometer radius, or Ranma and Matty working together?
Guy: The latter.
Matt: Now that one I will admit was unexpected.
Guy: Finely some more friction between the teams, as the ducks square off.
Mousse is flinging all sorts of knives, chains, and other weapons at Aaron.
Matt: He deftly dodged left, then right… Getting ever closer… What is Aaron’s plan?
Guy: Oh! He’s got Mousse’s glasses, and he’s flying high over the ring with them. Mousse is flying blind, now… And there goes a knife flying.
Matt: My god, right into Genma’s rear end!
Genma: Brarroror!!!!
Matt: And now Genma’s swiping away at Mousse… And Gelinas charges at P-chan!
Guy: He’s got P-chan in his mouth and he’s swinging him around wildly!
Matt: Where’s FOX when you need them? They could be filming this for a new installment of When Animals Attack!
Guy: Can it be? P-chan has squealed his last… Seems he’s truly lost his way.
Ranma: Ryoga! No!
Guy: And Ranma seeks to avenge her fallen comrade.
Matt: Always knew those two were friends. Pity it took the death of one of them for either of them to admit it.
Guy: Matty moves in to block Ranma’s attack… Cat fight! Cat fight!
Matt: But Hughes is dead from the last match, and Shampoo isn’t competing…
Guy: No, two girls.
Matt: Pity Provost has to miss this. What am I saying! One of those two girls is me! (Well, sort of…)
Guy: Good thing that’s only sort of, Matt. Otherwise you’d be in a lot of pain right now. Oh, that has got to hurt!
Matt: Yes, but Matty bought Gelinas enough time to charge at Ranma…
Guy: And Aaron’s sweeping back in towards Genma…
Matt: Who, by the way, has just eaten Mousse…
Voice: Ready ladies?
Guy and Matt: Who was that?
+A woman who looks very much like Eric Idle in drag suddenly walks into the ring. She turns towards the audience and blows a whistle. Suddenly, the ring fills with middle-aged British ladies in drab clothing, all bashing away at each other (and the legitimate fighters in the match) with their purses.+
Guy: What the bloody hell is going on?
+The mayhem continues until ten minutes later… Then, the woman with an uncanny resemblance to Eric Idle again blows the whistle and the women disperse.+
Guy: I say again, “What the bloody hell is going on?”
Matt: I can’t see any motion on the ring… Just the competitors lying still in a pool of blood.
+Mills walks into the ring and looks around a bit.+
Mills: And the winner is… The Batley Townswomen’s Guild!
Audience: *In Unison* We love you Guy!
+A suave laugh comes as we cut to the announcer’s booth. We see that the laugh is coming from Guy Makahashi, dressed in a shiny new tuxedo. His hair is immaculately combed and his teeth and eyes sparkle with brilliance unparalleled by the brightest stars in the heavens. Next to him sits Toro Watanabe, wearing a diaper, a dunce’s cap, and nothing else. For some inexplicable reason, he is holding a cat by the tail. Much to the cat’s displeasure, Toro is swinging it around violently.+
Guy: I’m Guy Makahashi!
Cat: Mreoowwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!
+Guy good-naturedly chuckles as he ducks to avoid a close pass by the cat.+
Toro: And I’m the biggest idiot in the world!
Guy: *still laughing in suave good nature* Yes, of course you are, Toro.
+Toro hits himself in the forehead with the cat and tumbles backwards out of the announcer’s booth. Guy laughs good naturedly.+
Guy: Oh my! Looks like once again we’ll need someone to fill in for poor Toro.
+Matt Atanian drops down from the ceiling in a rig like the one Tom Cruse had in Mission Impossible. He lands right in the seat that Toro vacated and unclasps the harness.+
Matt Atanian: Mind if I fill in?
Guy: Not at all, my friend. As a matter of fact, I can’t think of anyone better to guest host, as this is a Boy Scouts ½ related Deathmatch special!
Matt: Another one? Toro’s had two of these dreams already.
+Guy laughs good naturedly.+
Guy: Well, I suppose it’s time for our first match. For this match, Derek Provost of Troop 180 will be locked in a hermetically sealed dome that we’ve specially installed over the ring. And as of yet, he doesn’t even know who his opponent will be.
Matt: That’s right. It’s a mystery opponent for Derek. And here to interview him before the match, we have a special guest interviewer.
Guy: Or shall we say… interviewers?
Matt: That’s right, Guy. Here to interview Derek is…
Guy and Matt: The entire female cast of Goldenboy!
+Cut backstage to find Derek Provost standing in a puddle of drool. Standing with him is the president of Tian Software, wearing a red dress so tight and revealing that she may as well be wearing nothing at all; Naoko in her school uniform; Noriko from the noodle shop; Ayuko Hayamizu clad in her thin bathing suit; Reiko Terayama in her racing clothes, sitting astride her motorcycle and occasionally revving the engine; and Chie from the anime studio.+
Madame President: Derek, thank you for speaking to us.
Derek: *drooling* No problem.
Naoko: So, Derek, this is your third appearance in Anime Deathmatch, is it not?
Derek: *drooling* Yes, it is. I almost feel more at home here then I do within the regular Boy Scouts ½ series. Here, I feel as if I have a part to play… as if I’m important.
Noriko: And you don’t feel so in Boy Scouts ½?
Derek: *drooling* Here I’ve done everything from help announce a match to successfully compete in a match of my own.
Ayuko: But didn’t you loose your match?
Derek: *drooling* Technically, I suppose… But it sure was worth it!
+Derek drools at the memory of Ayeka and Ryoko.+
Reiko: And in Boy Scouts ½ you don’t feel as important?
Derek: *drooling* No! All I am there is a two-bit character who spends all of his time lusting after women or cowering in fear from a small aluminum can. Mind you, the lust part I don’t mind… But that Kiwi/Mocha Fruit Juice is just too much! I don’t want people to think that all I am is some guy who is afraid of fruit juice!
Chie: Thank you very much, Derek.
Derek: *drooling* No problem. What are you ladies doing after the show? Want to get together?
All: Sorry, Derek. We’ve got to find Kentaro!
+Derek pouts.+
Derek: *under his breath* Lucky bastard…
All: Back to you, Guy.
+Cut back to Guy and Matt in the announcer’s booth.+
Guy: Thank you, ladies.
Matt: Well, Derek is being led into the ring now by Mills Lane.
+Cut to the ring.+
Vince (on PA): Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Otaku and Otakettes, children of all ages, and special guests from the Batley Townswomen’s Guild… This is ANIME DEATHMATCH!!!
+Audience breaks into a frenzy of cheers, except for one group of old ladies covered in mud who are too busy attacking each other and clubbing one another with their purses.+
Vince (on PA): Coming into the ring now, returning from his glorious defeat in the last BS½ Deathmatch, from Troop 180, Derek “The Walking Hormone” Provost!
Mills: All right, Derek, I want a good clean fight. When you’re ready, give us the signal and we’ll lower the dome.
Derek: Um… where’s my opponent?
Mills: You’ll find out soon enough. Now, let’s get it on!
+Mills walks out of the ring, leaving a very confused Derek behind. Derek gives a weak thumbs-up and a huge, clear dome lowers from the ceiling.+
Guy: That dome is specially crafted from Transparent Gundarium Alloy, making it virtually impervious to any form of attack.
+The dome makes contact with the ring and a series of noises come from the sealing mechanisms.+
Matt: And there go the seals. Now not even a microbe can get in or out of that ring.
Guy: You could release e-coli inside the ring and feel safe taking your family on a picnic right next to it.
Matt: And there’s still no sign of Derek’s opponent. Are we just going to sit here and wait until Derek asphyxiates? That could take a while…
Guy: Wait! Something’s happening… A small panel has opened in the center of the ring and something is being raised up… Can it be?
Matt: I think it is…
Derek: NoooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
+Derek watches in horror as a small aluminum can is raised into the ring. The can is quite beaten up, covered in gouges, scratches, bite marks, and blood… But it is still completely intact and unopened.+
+The bell rings+
Derek: NoooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Matt: And so far, Derek is just standing there in shock.
Guy: Kiwi/Mocha seems to be taking its time sizing up its opponent.
Matt: This could take a while. Even though technically this match has started, shall we go over the stats?
Guy: Yes, let’s.
Name: Derek Provost
Bio: Member of Troop 180 and frequent guest in Fan-fic inspired nightmares of ADM hosts.
Name: Kiwi/Mocha Fruit Juice
Bio: Mysterious, unopenable can of unspeakable vileness and frequent guest in the nightmares of Derek Provost
Matt: Derek seems to have recovered from his initial shock and is cautiously circling his opponent. The Kiwi/Mocha is confident and has yet to make a move.
Guy: Derek feints left… He feints right…
Matt: He charges! Oh my god!
Guy: Derek is swinging madly, left and right! The can is taking it without even breaking a sweat! It’s inhuman!
Matt: Derek delivers a swinging kick! The can goes flying into the dome!
Guy: The can uses the ricochet from the dome to launch a flying attack at Derek! It’s moving at a fantastic speed! Can Derek move in time?
Matt: No! Derek’s stuck like a dear in headlights…
Guy: Like shit on shingles…
Matt: Like Lum on Ataru… Lucky bastard…
+The can flies at Derek and hits him smack dab in the middle of the forehead with such force that his head explodes, splattering on the inside of the dome. The can hits the dome again and falls to the ring, rolls a bit, and comes to a stop… still perfectly intact.+
Guy: That had to hurt!
Matt: Actually, I doubt he had time to feel a thing.
Guy: Well, on to our next match!
Matt: One is the nicest money grubbing conniver you could hope to meet. The other is a pet with a secret.
Guy: When secrets are revealed, will this poor kitty stand a chance? I think we’re in for some carnage tonight, folks!
Matt: Let’s see those stats!
Name: Nicole Porter
Bio: member of Girl Scout Troop 42, a nice girl if a) she doesn’t want your money or b) you haven’t been pretending to be a cat so you can take advantage of her and she finds out
Name: Neko-chan
Bio: Nicole’s pet cat… so she thinks…
+Mills Lane leads Nicole into the ring. Neko-chan is already there, leashed onto the opposite corner of the ring and frantically trying to get away.+
Nicole: So let me get this straight. All I have to do is spray Neko-chan with a water gun and I get two hundred bucks?
Mills: That’s what they told you, missy. Here, I was instructed to give you this.
+Mills hands Nicole a super-soaker with steam rising from it.+
Nicole: Um… Okay. I’m sure Neko-chan will understand. It’s only water.
+Neko-chan’s frantic escape attempts increase dramatically but prove no less futile.+
Mills: Let’s get it on!
+Bell rings.+
Guy: This could get ugly.
Matt: I hope no one in the audience ate recently.
Nicole: Neko-chan, calm down! It’s only water. Do this for me and I’ll get you some of the expensive cat food, okay?
+Neko-chan meows pitifully, as if pleading.+
Matt: I can’t bear to watch!
+Nicole aims and fires. Neko-chan is enveloped in a cloud of steam.+
Neko-chan: Meeooooooouuuuch! That’s hot!
Nicole: Neko-chan…? You… You spoke?
+The steam begins to clear, revealing Bill Hughes leashed to the corner post. He is frantically untying the leash.+
Nicole: … … …
Bill: Um… hi.
Guy: How long do you think it’ll take her to figure it all out?
Matt: To figure out that her beloved pet cat, who has seen her change clothes, who has shared her bed, was Hughes all along?
+Guy nods.+
Matt: I give it another zero point three five seven seconds.
Nicole: You… It was you all along? It was you… all along!?!?
Hughes: Oh shit…
Nicole: Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
+With each cry of “Die!” Nicole brings her foot down hard on Hughes’ head.+
Guy: How can he take that kind of punishment?
Hughes: Please… Nicole, I love you!
Nicole: Love? Love!?
Matt: Oh my god! She’s gouged his eyes out!
Nicole: That was for all of the times you… you looked at me!
+Hughes howls in pain.+
Guy: What’s that she just put on her arm?
Matt: Looks like some kind of clawed gauntlet. I don’t even want to know where she got it!
Guy: Oh my god! She’s… She’s…
Matt: She’s literally tearing his heart out!
Guy: If this wasn’t fiction, I think I’d be sick!
Matt: This isn’t a match, it’s a massacre!
Guy: But sometimes, that’s just what the ADM fans enjoy!
Audience (except the Batley Townwomen’s Guild, who are still fighting amongst themselves): Nicole! Nicole! Nicole!
+Nicole stands over the fallen Hughes. Hughes, a look of terror on his face, looks up at her as she begins to feed on his still beating heart.+
Matt: I think things are starting to become a bit too excessive for my tastes.
Guy: But aren’t you writing this?
Matt: Yeah… what am I thinking?
Guy: Well, we do seem to have a clear-cut winner, Shall we move onto the next match?
Matt: Yes, let’s.
Guy: All right! The main event!
Matt: In the past, we’ve had the Jusenkyo Scouts vs. the Sailor Scouts… we’ve had Matt vs. Jason… What could we possibly do to top that? What would be the ultimate Boy Scouts ½ related Deathmatch?
Guy: A team up of Matt, Mike, and Jason vs. Rumiko Takahashi, Chris Carter, and Kevin Smith?
Matt: That one’s not for Deathmatch, but it’s coming coon to Court TV.
Guy: Ah…
Matt: Also in the past, we’ve had Kuntz vs. Kuno… Perfume vs. Shampoo… But now… The ultimate team-up of Boy Scouts ½ vs. Ranma ½!
Guy: No way! You don’t mean…?
Matt: Here we are folks! Matt Atanian, Mike Quadrozzi, Aaron Abdowmassy, and Bill Gelinas vs. Ranma Saotome, Genma Saotome, Ryoga Hibiki, and Mousse!
Guy: Well, you’d better get down to the ring, then. What shall I do for a co-host?
Matt: No, I’m author-Matt. Competing in the match is character-Matt.
Guy: Ah. But hold on, didn’t Matt and Aaron die in their last Deathmatch appearance?
Matt: Hey, Guy. This is your dream. You figure it out.
Guy: Well, our own John “Fanboy” Hoelscher earlier did interviews with both teams. Let’s go to those now.
+Cut to John, dressed as Char Aznable, in the BS½ locker room with Team Boy Scouts.+
John: So, this is actually your second time in the Deathmatch ring, is it not?
Matt: That’s right, John. It’s good to be back.
John: Even though you died last time, didn’t you, Matt?
Matt: *rubbing his neck* Yeah, I suppose I did… But still, my team one last time, kicking some serious Sailor Moon ass, and we intend to kick even more ass this time.
John: Does it concern any of you that your opponents are trained martial artists and you are… well, you’re nothing?
Mike: That did worry us at first, but we sat down and had a nice chat amongst ourselves and we came up with what we hope will be a winning strategy.
John: One of your former teammates is not fighting with you this evening.
Aaron: That’s right, Hughes has his own match.
John: Are you worried about this loss in your numbers?
Aaron: Well, not particularly. After all, if we had him, our team would have one more then our opponents. Not terribly fair if you ask me.
John: Not terribly fair, even considering that you’re going up against – let me stress this again – four superbly trained martial artists?
Aaron: Well… um…
John: How do you feel about Hughes’s match tonight?
Gelinas: Well, it was nice knowing Hughes. We’ll miss him.
John: So you don’t suspect he’ll have much of a chance?
Matt, Mike, Aaron, and Gelinas: No way in hell!
+Cut to John, now dressed as Kodai Susumu, in the Ranma ½ locker room with Team Ranma+
John: So, how do you guys feel about Boy Scouts ½?
Ranma: How dare they call themselves Ranma Fanfiction? I’m nowhere in it!
Genma: Ranma, my boy, don’t be such a whiner!
Ryoga: You’ve got it lucky, Ranma! I’m the only Ranma character who does appear regularly, and all they ever have me doing is wandering around lost!
Ranma: So? How’s that different from usual?
Ryoga: What was that, Ranma!?
John: Um… guys, save it for your opponents! So, Mousse, what are your thoughts?
+Mousse glomps onto John.+
Mousse: Shampoo!!
John: *sweatdrop* Put your glasses on!
+Mousse does as instructed.+
Mousse: Hey! You’re not Shampoo!
+Mousse shoves John away, throwing him into the lockers. The lockers become quite dented and John slumps over, unconscious.+
+Cut back to Guy and Matt.+
Guy: So, Matt, any predictions on the outcome of this match?
Matt: As I am writing this, it would be unfair of me to make such predictions. Suffice to say, the outcome shall probably be the last thing anyone expects.
Guy: So, Akane will appear, she and Ranma will finely admit they love each other, Sarah will appear and declare her love for Matt, both teams will get together and go out for a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant, and everyone will live happily ever after?
Matt: Um… no. Make that the second to last thing anyone would expect.
Vince (on PA): Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Otaku and Otakettes, children of all ages, and special guests from the Batley Townswomen’s Guild… Time for the main event!!!!!
+Audience breaks into a renewed frenzy, except for the Batley Townswomen’s Guild who are still too busy attacking each other and clubbing one another with their purses.+
Vince: Coming into the ring, here for their second time, from Springfield, Massachusetts… Team Boy Scouts… THE JUSENKYO SCOUTS!!!
+Audience bursts out cheering, except for the Moonies who hiss and boo.+
Character-Matt: I don’t think they like us…
Mike: Well, Sailor Moon’s gained a pretty big following… I’m sure they still remember our victory over her.
Aaron: I hope they’re ready for a repeat performance!
Vince: And now coming into the ring, hailing from the Nerima District of Tokyo, Japan… Team Ranma!
+The whole audience bursts into tremendous applause and cheers, even the Moonies.+
Gelinas: Somehow I don’t think we’re the favorites here…
Character-Matt, Mike, and Aaron: SHUT UP, BILL!
Mills: Right! Will the team leaders come forward?
+Character-Matt and Ranma walk to the center of the ring, where Mills Lane is standing.+
Mills: Okay, this is a four-on-four free for all match, no holds barred, hot and cold running hoses provided at each corner of the ring. Once the bell rings, the match continues until one entire team is mashed into a sweet bloody pulp. You understand?
+Ranma nods. Character-Matt gulps and nods.+
Mills: Okay! Let’s get it on!
+Bell rings.+
Guy: And both teams are so far staying on their sides of the ring, sizing each-other up.
Matt: A pity that these are the Boy Scouts ½ characters competing and not their real-life counterparts… I know some information that I’m sure could be
used against them.
Guy: Such as?
+Matt suddenly stands up and points down into the ring.+
Matt: *shouting* Look! A hundred-yen coin!
Genma: What? Where?
Guy: I can’t believe it! Genma is looking for the coin, leaving himself open to attack! Oh, and Aaron delivers a swift shoulder into Genma’s heavily padded stomach!
Ranma: Yo, old man! Haven’t you learned yet not to fall for that old trick?
Genma: Ranma, my boy, have I not taught you to respect your elders? You shame me, boy…
Ranma: Find me some elders worth respecting, and maybe I will!
Guy: What an unexpected development as Ranma and Genma suddenly start fighting each other!
Matt: How is that an unexpected development?
Guy: Didn’t you give Team Boy Scouts an unfair advantage with that hundred-yen ploy?
Matt: What can I say? I am a benevolent God…
Ryoga: What are you two doing? Those Boy Scouts are the enemy!
+Aaron grabs one of the hoses and sprays Ryoga with cold water.+
Guy: Had to happen sooner or later… Let the fun begin!
+Mousse grabs a hose and sprays Mike. Character-Matt grabs a hose and attempts to spray Mousse, but Ranma and Genma tumble in the way and end up getting hit. Mousse turns his hose on Character-Matt. Matty then succeeds in getting Mousse.+
Matt: Lots and lots of changing going on down there… Now Ranma got Aaron and Gelinas.
Guy: It all comes down to opposite forms.
Voice: Pretty ladies!!
Guy and Matt: Oh, no…
+Ranma and Matty scream as Happosai appears from nowhere and attempts to glomp onto them in rather… delicate places.+
Ranma: Take that, you old freak!
Matty: And that!
Guy: An unexpected development…
Matt: Happosai appearing and glomping every attractive woman in a ten kilometer radius, or Ranma and Matty working together?
Guy: The latter.
Matt: Now that one I will admit was unexpected.
Guy: Finely some more friction between the teams, as the ducks square off.
Mousse is flinging all sorts of knives, chains, and other weapons at Aaron.
Matt: He deftly dodged left, then right… Getting ever closer… What is Aaron’s plan?
Guy: Oh! He’s got Mousse’s glasses, and he’s flying high over the ring with them. Mousse is flying blind, now… And there goes a knife flying.
Matt: My god, right into Genma’s rear end!
Genma: Brarroror!!!!
Matt: And now Genma’s swiping away at Mousse… And Gelinas charges at P-chan!
Guy: He’s got P-chan in his mouth and he’s swinging him around wildly!
Matt: Where’s FOX when you need them? They could be filming this for a new installment of When Animals Attack!
Guy: Can it be? P-chan has squealed his last… Seems he’s truly lost his way.
Ranma: Ryoga! No!
Guy: And Ranma seeks to avenge her fallen comrade.
Matt: Always knew those two were friends. Pity it took the death of one of them for either of them to admit it.
Guy: Matty moves in to block Ranma’s attack… Cat fight! Cat fight!
Matt: But Hughes is dead from the last match, and Shampoo isn’t competing…
Guy: No, two girls.
Matt: Pity Provost has to miss this. What am I saying! One of those two girls is me! (Well, sort of…)
Guy: Good thing that’s only sort of, Matt. Otherwise you’d be in a lot of pain right now. Oh, that has got to hurt!
Matt: Yes, but Matty bought Gelinas enough time to charge at Ranma…
Guy: And Aaron’s sweeping back in towards Genma…
Matt: Who, by the way, has just eaten Mousse…
Voice: Ready ladies?
Guy and Matt: Who was that?
+A woman who looks very much like Eric Idle in drag suddenly walks into the ring. She turns towards the audience and blows a whistle. Suddenly, the ring fills with middle-aged British ladies in drab clothing, all bashing away at each other (and the legitimate fighters in the match) with their purses.+
Guy: What the bloody hell is going on?
+The mayhem continues until ten minutes later… Then, the woman with an uncanny resemblance to Eric Idle again blows the whistle and the women disperse.+
Guy: I say again, “What the bloody hell is going on?”
Matt: I can’t see any motion on the ring… Just the competitors lying still in a pool of blood.
+Mills walks into the ring and looks around a bit.+
Mills: And the winner is… The Batley Townswomen’s Guild!
Suddenly Guy bolted awake.
“What was that?”
He looked around and saw that the television was on, and that was what had woken him. Pity, he had been having such a good dream.
Monty Python’s Flying Circus was on, so he watched a bit of that. Then, he read some more Boy Scouts ½ before finely going to sleep once more, this time for the rest of the evening.
Toro arrived early for the photo shoot the next morning. He was feeling extra good for some reason this morning, and he couldn’t quite put his finger on why.
He couldn’t wait for Guy to arrive, so he could see how tired and shagged out his co-host would be. Ah, yes, that was the reason he was feeling extra good this morning.
He laughed.
He walked into the studio and immediately stopped laughing when he saw a bright eyed Guy chatting with a rather attractive young photographer’s assistant.
“Guy?!”
“Oh, Toro! Hi.” Guy turned his attention back to the young woman.
“GUY!?!?”
Guy looked back to Toro. “Hey, Toro, are you the biggest idiot in the world?”
Toro blinked only once before responding, “No. You are.”
Guy smiled and once more turned back to the photographer’s assistant. “All right!” he said to himself. “This is not a dream.”
Toro sighed heavily and pulled Guy away from the woman. “Um, Guy, did you read that stuff I gave you yesterday?”
Guy smiled. “Sure did. It was just like you said. Best night of sleep I’ve ever gotten!”
Toro balked. “No… no disturbing dreams or anything?”
“Disturbing?” Guy smiled. “No, not disturbing… Now, if you’ll excuse me, Toro…”
Guy went back over to the photographer’s assistant.
Toro sat down heavily and buried his face in his hands. “Why me? Why me!?”
“What was that?”
He looked around and saw that the television was on, and that was what had woken him. Pity, he had been having such a good dream.
Monty Python’s Flying Circus was on, so he watched a bit of that. Then, he read some more Boy Scouts ½ before finely going to sleep once more, this time for the rest of the evening.
Toro arrived early for the photo shoot the next morning. He was feeling extra good for some reason this morning, and he couldn’t quite put his finger on why.
He couldn’t wait for Guy to arrive, so he could see how tired and shagged out his co-host would be. Ah, yes, that was the reason he was feeling extra good this morning.
He laughed.
He walked into the studio and immediately stopped laughing when he saw a bright eyed Guy chatting with a rather attractive young photographer’s assistant.
“Guy?!”
“Oh, Toro! Hi.” Guy turned his attention back to the young woman.
“GUY!?!?”
Guy looked back to Toro. “Hey, Toro, are you the biggest idiot in the world?”
Toro blinked only once before responding, “No. You are.”
Guy smiled and once more turned back to the photographer’s assistant. “All right!” he said to himself. “This is not a dream.”
Toro sighed heavily and pulled Guy away from the woman. “Um, Guy, did you read that stuff I gave you yesterday?”
Guy smiled. “Sure did. It was just like you said. Best night of sleep I’ve ever gotten!”
Toro balked. “No… no disturbing dreams or anything?”
“Disturbing?” Guy smiled. “No, not disturbing… Now, if you’ll excuse me, Toro…”
Guy went back over to the photographer’s assistant.
Toro sat down heavily and buried his face in his hands. “Why me? Why me!?”