Perspectives from the Food Court
by Jason "BoneparteOzaki" Bertovich
©1999 by Jason Bertovich and Matthew Atanian
Boy Scouts ½ created by Matthew Atanian
by Jason "BoneparteOzaki" Bertovich
©1999 by Jason Bertovich and Matthew Atanian
Boy Scouts ½ created by Matthew Atanian
Introductory Notes:
This is a work of complete and total fiction. Well, most of it is…well, actually none of it is. The names and places mentioned haven't been changed because no one was innocent. The events mentioned happen during Boy Scouts ½, part 11: Matty's New Wardrobe? Shopping Spree from Hell. The characters in focus are thought to be mere extras, but as this story unfolds, it is revealed that it is in fact they who are the true heroes of this world.
Now, without further ado, I present part 11.5 of Boy Scouts ½….
Now, without further ado, I present part 11.5 of Boy Scouts ½….
The sun had just peeked over the horizon and was beginning to show it's intrusive rays in the outskirts of Holyoke, a suburb of the city of Springfield, MA. However, in one small apartment, the rays were not at all intrusive. This was mainly because the blinds were closed as to not let any of these offending rays in on this crisp morning. Inside this cramped apartment, amiss in the sea of clothing, CD's, video cassettes, and discarded take-out containers sat a pile of blankets lumped on top of a Japanese sleeping futon sitting on the floor. The blankets twinged slightly and then were still again in its content lump shape. Something was definitely alive in that pile. What it was is unknown.
Now, since the sunlight was not playing any role in being intrusive, something else had to pick up the slack. That something was a cordless phone, which was now loudly ringing under a pile of clothes. An arm slithered out from the lump of blankets and grabbed the television remote and dragged it back under the blanket cave. After a moment, as the ringing continued, the blankets spat out the remote and the arm slithered out again. This time it succeeded in grabbing the offending object and dragging it under the blankets. The ringing stopped.
"Mmph…hewo?" a muffled voice spewed from underneath the lump. A inaudible garbling followed, obviously from the phone.
"Is that um twick qwestun? No, I dun't wunna opon toduh!" the voice garbled. More noise followed from the receiver.
"Wuh? Becus Um Fuking TIRED!!!" the voice shouted from underneath the lump, getting more clear. "Why am I tired? Because I was out partying all night!" More garbling came from the other end this time more frantic. "What do you mean 'why was I out partying all night?!?' It was because I wasn't supposed to work today and it was Friday night and I figured that meant I could sleep in today!" Still more garble screaming from the other end, this time in full blown panic.
"What do you mean, he's sick!!! This is the sixth time in a month!!!" The voice screamed from under the blankets. More garbled shouting. "OK, I'll open. You'll be in at Two, right? And the part timer comes in at One right? You promise? You PROMISE?!?! Two O'clock or I walk…" The familiar beeping noise of a phone being shut off followed. The lump of blankets spat out the phone. Then it was still again. Three seconds later and the blankets flew off as they were kicked off by the now enraged occupant. "FUCK!!!!"
Outside, the young paperboy heard the loudest expletive he had ever heard in his short life.
The young man who had just seconds ago kicked off the blankets from his futon sat up and brushed his light brown hair out of his face. He rubbed his chin and realized that the scratchy texture of his face had to be remedied. He sat up and grabbed a CD from the pile on the floor, popped it in the Hi-Fi, and walked into the bathroom.
The music blared into the bathroom. The young man was shaving away the previous night's dregs off his face. He then started the shower spigot and turned it to the hottest possible setting that one can achieve without melting one's skin. The music continued to blare into the bathroom. From the floor below someone was banging on the young man's floor and their ceiling with a broom handle. Inside the chamber of boiling water, the young man continued to scrub himself and sing along…
"Give it to me baby(Uh huh, uh huh!)…Give it to me baby(Uh huh, Uh huh!)… Give it to me baby(Uh huh, Uh huh!)…and all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy." The shower karaoke session turned to head banging. "Unos, Duos, Tres, Quatro, Sinco, Sinco, Ses…" From below the banging continued.
The young man, now wrapped in a towel, wiped the mirror clean of the steam that had accumulated during his hot shower and looked deep into the mirror. He then let out a disappointed sigh. "Well Jason, here we are again. Covering for some asshole, another week in this town and what do we have to show for it? A crummy apartment, the same dead-end mall job, and another semester at the same small college." He lowered his head and sighed again. He rubbed his weary eyes and proceeded to change into the uniform of mindless automaton.
He slipped on the red polo shirt and the black slacks; he clipped on the name tag that identified that he in fact was the person to annoy with stupid questions. Grabbing his keys off the floor, his wallet off the TV set, and his glasses off the stereo, he was out the door.
As the coup pulled into the still relatively empty Holyoke Mall Parking Lot, Jason pulled into a space up front. He turned off the ignition and looked at his watch. He had a few minutes to spare. He leaned back in the seat and closed his eyes.
In his mind's eye he sat in the cockpit of a B-52 bomber carrying the payload of death. A 30 Megaton Nuclear device. He was currently flying over Holyoke. He waited patiently and at the right moment he pulled the level, humorously labeled "Bombs Away!" The bay doors opened and the bomb dropped, turning the mall into a mushroom cloud.
Jason opened his eyes and smiled. He then rubbed his temples. "OK Jason, get into Work Mode," he said to himself as he stepped out of his car and walked into the Holyoke Mall.
Inside the mall, he unlocked the gate over the Electronics Boutique entrance. Already waiting outside the store were three pasty faced teens. Why are they here this early? Jason thought to himself. He thought back a moment and had a horrible realization. Today was the day that the new wrestling game debuted. ECWCWWF EXTREME THUNDROUS ATTITUDE II. OH SHIT!!! I cannot deal with this today!
"Yo Salesguy, did the new game come in yet?" the first pasty faced teen asked.
Jason kept his blood pressure in check. "The new game won't be here until the shipment arrives, and that doesn't arrive until One or Two o'clock." He replied calmly.
"No fuckin' way!" the first teen shouted.
"Bull-fucking-shit!" the second added.
"Sonuva-fucking-bitch!" the third added.
Such lovely language, Jason thought to himself. "Well then let us in the store, we wanna look around," the first spewed from his garbage mouth.
"Sorry guys, the store isn't opened for another half-hour," Jason answered.
"No fuckin' way!" the first teen shouted.
"Bull-fucking-shit!" the second added.
"Sonuva-fucking-bitch!" the third added.
Jason sighed and proceeded to unlock the store gate. The three teens walked away. He sighed again, this time because he knew that they would be back. The half-hour flew by and the opening actually went relatively smoothly.
He raised the gate and placed the cardboard standees out and waited for the first person to piss him off today. He didn't have to wait long. The guy walked in and went straight to the counter. "Yo, I want that game!" he gruffed.
"Which game?" Jason asked, adding inside his head, Out of the fifty million available?
"The one for the 'Station," he answered.
"As I said, which game?" Jason asked, this time adding in this head OH, that only narrowed it down to about 25 million…very helpful.
"You know, the one on TV!" he answered.
"As I said before, WHICH GAME…?" Jason asked again trying to keep his brains from exploding all over the counter from an aneurysm this early in the day. He added inside his head this time, You asshole! Do you know how many games are advertised on TV?!?!? Am I wearing a sign that says 'hi, I'm a mind-reader?!!?!?!!!'
"Well, just tell me all the games you have," the guy gruffed.
What the fuck?!?!?! Does he expect me to be a damn directory for him?!?! "Well, sir, our PlayStation section is over there," Jason said pointing to the wall of empty cases, "If you can't find a game over there then we don't have it."
The guy walked over the PlayStation games and mercifully left Jason alone. His peace was short lived however, as he was bombarded with more pasty faced teens all wanting the new wrestling game and each holding up green slips indicating that they had had already paid. Jason rubbed his temples and calmly let each know that they would have to wait until the afternoon to purchase their game. Instead of leaving however, they decided to "browse" which meant playing the Nintendo unit, reading the magazines, and basically being a nuisance. Jason closed his eyes and began to fantasize again…
This time all the customers were clad in spandex tights and were posing with strobe-lights and fireworks going off everywhere in the store. Then silence. Suddenly, with the sound of glass shattering, out came Jason clad in a black leather vest and an evil goatee. He then proceeded to beat the living hell out of every customer in the damn store. Standing on the counter with his middle fingers raised high, customers gasped at him, "Why can't we have that game yet?"
"You wanna know why the game isn't here yet? Because the shipment won't be here until One to Two PM and that's the bottom line…CUZ STONE COLD SAID SO!" Then he gabbed a can of beer from out of the air and guzzled it. Then leaping off the counter, he picked up a customer and proceeded to beat down on him again. "OH HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLL YEAH!!!!"
The phone ringing snapped Jason out of his pleasant fantasy. Picking up the phone, he said, "Hello, Electronics Boutique, where you can…um…" Thinking of all the promotions he can added, "…get the hot new RPG, Final Fantasy VII. Jason speaking, how can I help you?"
It turned out to be the distributor. He listened calmly, then he his eyes bulged. "WHAT!?!?!?!? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!" A pause followed and the customers looked on in interest. "So there's nothing you can do?" Another pause. "Monday. OK, if there's nothing else we can do…thank you. Goodbye." Jason hung up the phone and rubbed his temples again.
"This is not good…This is not good…This is not good…" he began to repeat to himself. He then calmed himself and turned his attention to the customers.
"OK, how many of you are here to pick up the new wrestling game?" Every one of them raised their hands. "OK, well unfortunately the game will not be coming in today. The distributor just called and said that three of their planes are having engine troubles, two of their planes are covered in ice, and one is just missing a wing so they can't ship the game today. They promise that the game will be in on Monday."
The sea of bitching hit Jason in the face like a tidal wave. People demanding their game, people demanding their money back, people wanting to be assholes because they can. However they grew bored and soon left and the store was quiet again. Jason looked at his watch and saw that is was 12:30. The store was now relatively empty, except for the sparse browser who was looking over home publishing software. Jason leaned against the entrance and watched the mall life pass by.
He watched as a red head and a semi-blonde walked by. The red head was holding a Victoria's Secret bag. The semi-blonde caught Jason's eye. He crossed his arms and watched them walk by. Then the silence was shattered as he could hear someone scream from a slight distance, "SO WHERE THE HELL AM I NOW!?!" This was shortly followed by the same voice screaming, "SHISHI HOKOUDAN!!!", and then a explosion.
The two girls looked in his direction. He shrugged his shoulders. Like I would know. A moment later a charred and melted piece of plastic that slightly looked like the mall directory landed behind the pair. They turned to him, this time they shrugged their shoulders and walked on.
Jason walked back inside the store. He saw then a Asian gentleman clad in yellow walking toward the store. He looked angry. Probably a return. He began to rub his temples again and spoke quietly to himself. "OK, Jason get into customer service mode." He strode up toward the Asian boy and spoke. "Hi, is there anything I can help you find today?"
The Asian lad responded to the query by picking up Jason by the collar and staring him straight in the eyes. "Where is Furinkan High School?!?"
"What?!?" Jason shouted as cowardly as one could when being hoisted by a gentleman obviously much stronger than oneself.
"WHERE IS FURINKAN HIGH SCHOOL?!!?!?" he shouted again.
"Furikan High School? Where is that?" Jason asked, confused.
The Asian boy looked Jason in the eye, gritted his teeth, and began to shake Jason very vigorously. "THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!!!!" he screamed back. At this point Jason had succumbed to total fear and blindly pointed to his left. The boy dropped him and ran off down the direction he pointed and quickly disappeared.
Jason sat on the floor shaking. At that point the mocha brown colored uniform clad security guard walked by and tipped his hat. Jason narrowed his eyes.
"Hey Officer Mall Guard! Way to go protecting democracy!" Jason shouted.
"Thanks." The mall guard replied and continued walking obviously not understanding the concept of sarcasm.
Jason cupped his face in his palms and was quite ready to openly weep, except at this point a young man also clad in a red polo shirt and black pants walked in the store. His name tag read "Mark."
"Hey Jason, why are you on the floor?"
"Long story. Just leave me be…I'll be off the floor in a moment." He weakly smiled.
"Whatever…" Mark answered and rolled his eyes upward.
Jason slowly rose and went behind the counter. "Only one more hour to go…only one more hour to go…" he began to softly chant to himself. He looked up in surprise at a young man standing at the counter.
"WHAT?" The boy with the headphones shouted.
"Huh?" Jason asked as he looked up at the boy with the headphones.
"WHAT?" headphone boy shouted back.
"Can I help you?" Jason asked.
"WHAT?" headphone boy shouted back.
"I said…can I help you find something today?" Jason asked again.
"WHAT?" headphone boy shouted.
"Forget it…you're beyond help." Jason sighed and walked into the back storeroom. I'll let Mark handle him…
"WHAT?" headphone Boy shouted after him.
Amazingly, the rest of the hour went relatively smoothly and Jason threw off the name tag as soon as his boss walked in the store. "Two O'clock, it's Miller Time…later…" Jason said as he bolted for the exit.
"Um…Jason, don't forget to come in early tomorrow so we can have the monthly meeting." The short woman said. Jason stopped cold and sighed. He nodded and trudged out of the store.
Store meeting on Sunday morning…can life get much more annoying? At least this day was over. Jason felt his stomach growl and he realized that it was time for food and stimulating conversation. And Jason knew where he could find both.
Down in the Holyoke Mall food court, three people sat at a small table. The first was Jason. The second was a young lady with the name tag that read "Fenny." The third was another young man with a mass of black hair and a name tag that read "John." Jason took a sip of his Sprite and then banged his hand on the table. "I hereby call this meeting of the Holyoke Refugees of Employment Hell to some sort of order."
"Here, here!" John applauded.
"Bravo," Fenny added.
"So let us report to what has happened to us since the last…" Jason paused. His attention was diverted by the same red head and the semi-blonde he had seen earlier. The semi-blonde was still the same, but boy did the red head change quite a bit. She was now clad in a tight black dress.
"Hey J? You ok?" John asked while waving his hand in front of Jason's face. John pointed John's attention to the pair of women.
"Hmmph! It's amazing what grabs you guys' attention. I bet they don't even bounce," Fenny added indignantly.
"Relax, Fenny, you know that you're the only girl for us." John answered.
"I love you….I would date with you." Jason added melodramatically.
"Have to ham it up don't you? Where did you get that line?" Fenny asked.
"You know what? I don't know…just kinda popped inside my head." Jason shrugged.
"Weird. Anyway, you have to admit Fenny, those girls are attractive… Especially the red head." John added as he sipped his coke.
"I don't know. The semi-blonde seems kinda hot to me." Jason sighed.
"That's good for you, Jason, and very bad for you, John." Fenny smirked as she sipped her mochachino.
"Hmm?" John queried with an arched eyebrow.
"Well, I can't speak for the blonde, but the red head seems a little…um…" She finished her sentence with a tilted hand gesture.
"No way!" Jason smirked.
"My reaction exactly! That girl is not a lesbian!" John shouted.
Fenny just shrugged her shoulders.
"Anyway…how would you know?"
"Call it woman's intuition." Fenny smiled.
"Makes sense to me. Tough break John." Jason chuckled.
"Of course that does mean…" Fenny began.
"Mean what?" Jason queried.
"Well the blonde could be her…er…lover." Fenny smirked again. John did a spit take with his Coke and laughed. Jason hung his head in sorrow.
"Alas, us males have lost two more," Jason moaned. John patted Jason on the shoulders in consolation.
"Have you boys gotten it out of your system yet?" Fenny asked looking at her watch. "I have to back at work in twenty minutes."
"Give a moment to grieve." John sniped back as he and Jason clapped their hands in mock prayer.
"Very cute." Fenny rolled her eyes.
"OK, now we've got the lesbian thing out of our system... Anyway, shall we go over the hell that is our lives?" John asked.
"Me first!" Jason jumped in his seat. "OK, so these girls walked by the store. There was this huge explosion…"
"I heard it too!" John interrupted.
"Yeah, me three. What was it?" Fenny asked.
"Mall directory." Jason answered to the blank expressions of his friends. "Anyway after these girls leave -- this was after the mall directory landed behind them -- this guy walks into the store. Asian Guy, looked real tough, dressed like he was going on jungle safari or something. He goes up to me. I say 'Hi, is there anything I can help ya with today?' He then picks me up by the collar and screams in my face, 'Tell me, where is Furikan High School!'" Jason gestured wildly as he told his story.
"No way," John commented
"Furikan what?" Fenny asked with her own raised eyebrow.
"That was my reaction. I go, 'Where is Furikan High School?!!?' and he just looks at me and fumes and screams, 'That's what I WANT TO KNOW!!!!!!' Then the guy drops me and runs off." Jason gestured.
"What about the mall security?" Fenny queried.
"Oh you mean officer mall guard? He didn't do a damn thing!" Jason shouted.
"Figures," John added.
"And you wanna know what the biggest tragedy about this is?" Jason asked his friends out loud. He then sighed "The biggest tragedy is that I'm not even supposed to be here today!"
"Alas, a life of tragedy," John mused.
"Maybe you killed someone in a past life," Fenny reasoned.
"Har, har," Jason fumed. John raised his hand.
"Well, I can't say that I was mugged today. In fact, my day was relatively normal. Hell, I even sold a pair of shoes to our lovely lesbian couple over yonder. But I did have one weird guy today…" John began to flashback. (WARNING! FLASHBACK APPROACHING!!!!)
John adjusted his nametag and looked around the Shoe Dept. He was quite, quite bored to be perfectly honest with everyone. Then a customer appeared. Something seemed odd to John about this lad. Then it struck him. He was clad in a full Boy Scout Uniform. Full Sash of merit badges, medals of service, and a new, crisp patch decreeing him as, "SENIOR PATROL LEADER."
Who the hell wears a boy scout uniform to the mall?!? John thought to himself. The boy pseudo-coughed to garner John's attention. John dared to break the silence "Can I help you?"
"Why yes you can sales-peon! I need a pair of shoes fit for a ruler!" the lad barked.
"OK…"John paused. Did he just call me 'peon?' he though to himself. "Can you be a little more specific?"
"Well they need to look good while I'm stepping over my underlings. They must look perfect when my subjects are kissing my feet… even if they aren't even worthy of doing that! BWAHahahahhhahaahhahahAHAHHAHAHHAHAHahahhaHAHAHAHAH!" The lad broke into a hysterical laughter. "After all, this is only a small step… first a group of Boy Scout peons… then…THE WORLD! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHahahahhahahHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!"
John nodded dumbly at the boy and looked down at his shoes. He was wearing a pair of brown loafers. John looked over the men's shoes and handed him a pair of brown loafers. "I think you'll find these suitable for a ruler of your… stature."
The boy slipped off his shoes and slipped the new ones on. "Hmmm…" He suinted at the shoes as he looked them over in the mirror. "Yes… these are very nice… they reflect my greatness very… um…" he struggled for a synonym, "…nicely." He began to laugh again to fill dead silence.
"Shall I ring them up?" John smirked.
"Yes, you should be adequate at that task sales-peon. Do so immediately!" the lad barked. "In fact, throw these shoes away…I'll wear these out," he shouted holding up his old shoes, still oblivious to the fact that they were exactly the same as his new shoes. The boy began to walk out with a self satisfied grin.
"By the way, kid…" John began.
"You will address me as SPL or LORD GOD YUNG!" the boy barked.
"Whatever. Are you doing some sort of charity drive or something?" John asked, pointing to the uniform.
"Um…no. Why?" The boy asked perplexed by the question.
"Never mind." John replied. (FLASHBACK ENDING…3…2….1….NOW!)
"What an asshole," Jason answered.
"Yep…but that's OK," John shrugged.
"Why is it OK?" Jason asked, arching his eyebrow.
"Because when I'm ruling the world… he will pay… oh how he will pay… BwahahAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHHAhahahAHHAHAHA!!!" John began to cackle psychotically.
Jason looked over to Fenny who simply rolled her eyes in response. "OK Fenny, your turn," Jason directed toward her as he sipped his Sprite again.
"No complaints." Fenny shrugged.
"LIAR! DECIEVER!" John shouted pointed to Fenny.
"No complaints at all?!?" Jason asked.
"Nope." Fenny smirked.
"And this is because…?" Jason began and paused.
"Why would I complain? I've got looks, poise and grace, charm, and to top it off… I bounce! With all that, who could ask for anything more?" Fenny beamed. John face-faulted out of his chair. Jason lowered his head.
"I had to ask." Jason groaned.
Fenny looked at her watch and jumped up. "SHIT! My break's over! I've gotta go!" Fenny shouted as she bolted from the table.
"AUGH! Mine too! Later!" John followed.
"Viva the Revolution!" Jason shouted after John as he made his way from the food court. John paused and turned around to give a salute and then continued on his way.
Jason looked around at the empty table and paused for thought. Yes he wasn't even supposed to be there today. Yes, he was tired. Yes, he was stuck in a dead end job. And yes, he even had to work tomorrow after first a morning meeting . But on the flip side he had good friends in the Springfield area who actually understood him, and he knew that they would be here again tomorrow.
Jason kicked his feet up on the table and took his drink and raised it in the air to nobody. "Here's to tomorrow." Jason took a sip and life continued in Holyoke undaunted.
Now, since the sunlight was not playing any role in being intrusive, something else had to pick up the slack. That something was a cordless phone, which was now loudly ringing under a pile of clothes. An arm slithered out from the lump of blankets and grabbed the television remote and dragged it back under the blanket cave. After a moment, as the ringing continued, the blankets spat out the remote and the arm slithered out again. This time it succeeded in grabbing the offending object and dragging it under the blankets. The ringing stopped.
"Mmph…hewo?" a muffled voice spewed from underneath the lump. A inaudible garbling followed, obviously from the phone.
"Is that um twick qwestun? No, I dun't wunna opon toduh!" the voice garbled. More noise followed from the receiver.
"Wuh? Becus Um Fuking TIRED!!!" the voice shouted from underneath the lump, getting more clear. "Why am I tired? Because I was out partying all night!" More garbling came from the other end this time more frantic. "What do you mean 'why was I out partying all night?!?' It was because I wasn't supposed to work today and it was Friday night and I figured that meant I could sleep in today!" Still more garble screaming from the other end, this time in full blown panic.
"What do you mean, he's sick!!! This is the sixth time in a month!!!" The voice screamed from under the blankets. More garbled shouting. "OK, I'll open. You'll be in at Two, right? And the part timer comes in at One right? You promise? You PROMISE?!?! Two O'clock or I walk…" The familiar beeping noise of a phone being shut off followed. The lump of blankets spat out the phone. Then it was still again. Three seconds later and the blankets flew off as they were kicked off by the now enraged occupant. "FUCK!!!!"
Outside, the young paperboy heard the loudest expletive he had ever heard in his short life.
The young man who had just seconds ago kicked off the blankets from his futon sat up and brushed his light brown hair out of his face. He rubbed his chin and realized that the scratchy texture of his face had to be remedied. He sat up and grabbed a CD from the pile on the floor, popped it in the Hi-Fi, and walked into the bathroom.
The music blared into the bathroom. The young man was shaving away the previous night's dregs off his face. He then started the shower spigot and turned it to the hottest possible setting that one can achieve without melting one's skin. The music continued to blare into the bathroom. From the floor below someone was banging on the young man's floor and their ceiling with a broom handle. Inside the chamber of boiling water, the young man continued to scrub himself and sing along…
"Give it to me baby(Uh huh, uh huh!)…Give it to me baby(Uh huh, Uh huh!)… Give it to me baby(Uh huh, Uh huh!)…and all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy." The shower karaoke session turned to head banging. "Unos, Duos, Tres, Quatro, Sinco, Sinco, Ses…" From below the banging continued.
The young man, now wrapped in a towel, wiped the mirror clean of the steam that had accumulated during his hot shower and looked deep into the mirror. He then let out a disappointed sigh. "Well Jason, here we are again. Covering for some asshole, another week in this town and what do we have to show for it? A crummy apartment, the same dead-end mall job, and another semester at the same small college." He lowered his head and sighed again. He rubbed his weary eyes and proceeded to change into the uniform of mindless automaton.
He slipped on the red polo shirt and the black slacks; he clipped on the name tag that identified that he in fact was the person to annoy with stupid questions. Grabbing his keys off the floor, his wallet off the TV set, and his glasses off the stereo, he was out the door.
As the coup pulled into the still relatively empty Holyoke Mall Parking Lot, Jason pulled into a space up front. He turned off the ignition and looked at his watch. He had a few minutes to spare. He leaned back in the seat and closed his eyes.
In his mind's eye he sat in the cockpit of a B-52 bomber carrying the payload of death. A 30 Megaton Nuclear device. He was currently flying over Holyoke. He waited patiently and at the right moment he pulled the level, humorously labeled "Bombs Away!" The bay doors opened and the bomb dropped, turning the mall into a mushroom cloud.
Jason opened his eyes and smiled. He then rubbed his temples. "OK Jason, get into Work Mode," he said to himself as he stepped out of his car and walked into the Holyoke Mall.
Inside the mall, he unlocked the gate over the Electronics Boutique entrance. Already waiting outside the store were three pasty faced teens. Why are they here this early? Jason thought to himself. He thought back a moment and had a horrible realization. Today was the day that the new wrestling game debuted. ECWCWWF EXTREME THUNDROUS ATTITUDE II. OH SHIT!!! I cannot deal with this today!
"Yo Salesguy, did the new game come in yet?" the first pasty faced teen asked.
Jason kept his blood pressure in check. "The new game won't be here until the shipment arrives, and that doesn't arrive until One or Two o'clock." He replied calmly.
"No fuckin' way!" the first teen shouted.
"Bull-fucking-shit!" the second added.
"Sonuva-fucking-bitch!" the third added.
Such lovely language, Jason thought to himself. "Well then let us in the store, we wanna look around," the first spewed from his garbage mouth.
"Sorry guys, the store isn't opened for another half-hour," Jason answered.
"No fuckin' way!" the first teen shouted.
"Bull-fucking-shit!" the second added.
"Sonuva-fucking-bitch!" the third added.
Jason sighed and proceeded to unlock the store gate. The three teens walked away. He sighed again, this time because he knew that they would be back. The half-hour flew by and the opening actually went relatively smoothly.
He raised the gate and placed the cardboard standees out and waited for the first person to piss him off today. He didn't have to wait long. The guy walked in and went straight to the counter. "Yo, I want that game!" he gruffed.
"Which game?" Jason asked, adding inside his head, Out of the fifty million available?
"The one for the 'Station," he answered.
"As I said, which game?" Jason asked, this time adding in this head OH, that only narrowed it down to about 25 million…very helpful.
"You know, the one on TV!" he answered.
"As I said before, WHICH GAME…?" Jason asked again trying to keep his brains from exploding all over the counter from an aneurysm this early in the day. He added inside his head this time, You asshole! Do you know how many games are advertised on TV?!?!? Am I wearing a sign that says 'hi, I'm a mind-reader?!!?!?!!!'
"Well, just tell me all the games you have," the guy gruffed.
What the fuck?!?!?! Does he expect me to be a damn directory for him?!?! "Well, sir, our PlayStation section is over there," Jason said pointing to the wall of empty cases, "If you can't find a game over there then we don't have it."
The guy walked over the PlayStation games and mercifully left Jason alone. His peace was short lived however, as he was bombarded with more pasty faced teens all wanting the new wrestling game and each holding up green slips indicating that they had had already paid. Jason rubbed his temples and calmly let each know that they would have to wait until the afternoon to purchase their game. Instead of leaving however, they decided to "browse" which meant playing the Nintendo unit, reading the magazines, and basically being a nuisance. Jason closed his eyes and began to fantasize again…
This time all the customers were clad in spandex tights and were posing with strobe-lights and fireworks going off everywhere in the store. Then silence. Suddenly, with the sound of glass shattering, out came Jason clad in a black leather vest and an evil goatee. He then proceeded to beat the living hell out of every customer in the damn store. Standing on the counter with his middle fingers raised high, customers gasped at him, "Why can't we have that game yet?"
"You wanna know why the game isn't here yet? Because the shipment won't be here until One to Two PM and that's the bottom line…CUZ STONE COLD SAID SO!" Then he gabbed a can of beer from out of the air and guzzled it. Then leaping off the counter, he picked up a customer and proceeded to beat down on him again. "OH HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLL YEAH!!!!"
The phone ringing snapped Jason out of his pleasant fantasy. Picking up the phone, he said, "Hello, Electronics Boutique, where you can…um…" Thinking of all the promotions he can added, "…get the hot new RPG, Final Fantasy VII. Jason speaking, how can I help you?"
It turned out to be the distributor. He listened calmly, then he his eyes bulged. "WHAT!?!?!?!? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!" A pause followed and the customers looked on in interest. "So there's nothing you can do?" Another pause. "Monday. OK, if there's nothing else we can do…thank you. Goodbye." Jason hung up the phone and rubbed his temples again.
"This is not good…This is not good…This is not good…" he began to repeat to himself. He then calmed himself and turned his attention to the customers.
"OK, how many of you are here to pick up the new wrestling game?" Every one of them raised their hands. "OK, well unfortunately the game will not be coming in today. The distributor just called and said that three of their planes are having engine troubles, two of their planes are covered in ice, and one is just missing a wing so they can't ship the game today. They promise that the game will be in on Monday."
The sea of bitching hit Jason in the face like a tidal wave. People demanding their game, people demanding their money back, people wanting to be assholes because they can. However they grew bored and soon left and the store was quiet again. Jason looked at his watch and saw that is was 12:30. The store was now relatively empty, except for the sparse browser who was looking over home publishing software. Jason leaned against the entrance and watched the mall life pass by.
He watched as a red head and a semi-blonde walked by. The red head was holding a Victoria's Secret bag. The semi-blonde caught Jason's eye. He crossed his arms and watched them walk by. Then the silence was shattered as he could hear someone scream from a slight distance, "SO WHERE THE HELL AM I NOW!?!" This was shortly followed by the same voice screaming, "SHISHI HOKOUDAN!!!", and then a explosion.
The two girls looked in his direction. He shrugged his shoulders. Like I would know. A moment later a charred and melted piece of plastic that slightly looked like the mall directory landed behind the pair. They turned to him, this time they shrugged their shoulders and walked on.
Jason walked back inside the store. He saw then a Asian gentleman clad in yellow walking toward the store. He looked angry. Probably a return. He began to rub his temples again and spoke quietly to himself. "OK, Jason get into customer service mode." He strode up toward the Asian boy and spoke. "Hi, is there anything I can help you find today?"
The Asian lad responded to the query by picking up Jason by the collar and staring him straight in the eyes. "Where is Furinkan High School?!?"
"What?!?" Jason shouted as cowardly as one could when being hoisted by a gentleman obviously much stronger than oneself.
"WHERE IS FURINKAN HIGH SCHOOL?!!?!?" he shouted again.
"Furikan High School? Where is that?" Jason asked, confused.
The Asian boy looked Jason in the eye, gritted his teeth, and began to shake Jason very vigorously. "THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!!!!" he screamed back. At this point Jason had succumbed to total fear and blindly pointed to his left. The boy dropped him and ran off down the direction he pointed and quickly disappeared.
Jason sat on the floor shaking. At that point the mocha brown colored uniform clad security guard walked by and tipped his hat. Jason narrowed his eyes.
"Hey Officer Mall Guard! Way to go protecting democracy!" Jason shouted.
"Thanks." The mall guard replied and continued walking obviously not understanding the concept of sarcasm.
Jason cupped his face in his palms and was quite ready to openly weep, except at this point a young man also clad in a red polo shirt and black pants walked in the store. His name tag read "Mark."
"Hey Jason, why are you on the floor?"
"Long story. Just leave me be…I'll be off the floor in a moment." He weakly smiled.
"Whatever…" Mark answered and rolled his eyes upward.
Jason slowly rose and went behind the counter. "Only one more hour to go…only one more hour to go…" he began to softly chant to himself. He looked up in surprise at a young man standing at the counter.
"WHAT?" The boy with the headphones shouted.
"Huh?" Jason asked as he looked up at the boy with the headphones.
"WHAT?" headphone boy shouted back.
"Can I help you?" Jason asked.
"WHAT?" headphone boy shouted back.
"I said…can I help you find something today?" Jason asked again.
"WHAT?" headphone boy shouted.
"Forget it…you're beyond help." Jason sighed and walked into the back storeroom. I'll let Mark handle him…
"WHAT?" headphone Boy shouted after him.
Amazingly, the rest of the hour went relatively smoothly and Jason threw off the name tag as soon as his boss walked in the store. "Two O'clock, it's Miller Time…later…" Jason said as he bolted for the exit.
"Um…Jason, don't forget to come in early tomorrow so we can have the monthly meeting." The short woman said. Jason stopped cold and sighed. He nodded and trudged out of the store.
Store meeting on Sunday morning…can life get much more annoying? At least this day was over. Jason felt his stomach growl and he realized that it was time for food and stimulating conversation. And Jason knew where he could find both.
Down in the Holyoke Mall food court, three people sat at a small table. The first was Jason. The second was a young lady with the name tag that read "Fenny." The third was another young man with a mass of black hair and a name tag that read "John." Jason took a sip of his Sprite and then banged his hand on the table. "I hereby call this meeting of the Holyoke Refugees of Employment Hell to some sort of order."
"Here, here!" John applauded.
"Bravo," Fenny added.
"So let us report to what has happened to us since the last…" Jason paused. His attention was diverted by the same red head and the semi-blonde he had seen earlier. The semi-blonde was still the same, but boy did the red head change quite a bit. She was now clad in a tight black dress.
"Hey J? You ok?" John asked while waving his hand in front of Jason's face. John pointed John's attention to the pair of women.
"Hmmph! It's amazing what grabs you guys' attention. I bet they don't even bounce," Fenny added indignantly.
"Relax, Fenny, you know that you're the only girl for us." John answered.
"I love you….I would date with you." Jason added melodramatically.
"Have to ham it up don't you? Where did you get that line?" Fenny asked.
"You know what? I don't know…just kinda popped inside my head." Jason shrugged.
"Weird. Anyway, you have to admit Fenny, those girls are attractive… Especially the red head." John added as he sipped his coke.
"I don't know. The semi-blonde seems kinda hot to me." Jason sighed.
"That's good for you, Jason, and very bad for you, John." Fenny smirked as she sipped her mochachino.
"Hmm?" John queried with an arched eyebrow.
"Well, I can't speak for the blonde, but the red head seems a little…um…" She finished her sentence with a tilted hand gesture.
"No way!" Jason smirked.
"My reaction exactly! That girl is not a lesbian!" John shouted.
Fenny just shrugged her shoulders.
"Anyway…how would you know?"
"Call it woman's intuition." Fenny smiled.
"Makes sense to me. Tough break John." Jason chuckled.
"Of course that does mean…" Fenny began.
"Mean what?" Jason queried.
"Well the blonde could be her…er…lover." Fenny smirked again. John did a spit take with his Coke and laughed. Jason hung his head in sorrow.
"Alas, us males have lost two more," Jason moaned. John patted Jason on the shoulders in consolation.
"Have you boys gotten it out of your system yet?" Fenny asked looking at her watch. "I have to back at work in twenty minutes."
"Give a moment to grieve." John sniped back as he and Jason clapped their hands in mock prayer.
"Very cute." Fenny rolled her eyes.
"OK, now we've got the lesbian thing out of our system... Anyway, shall we go over the hell that is our lives?" John asked.
"Me first!" Jason jumped in his seat. "OK, so these girls walked by the store. There was this huge explosion…"
"I heard it too!" John interrupted.
"Yeah, me three. What was it?" Fenny asked.
"Mall directory." Jason answered to the blank expressions of his friends. "Anyway after these girls leave -- this was after the mall directory landed behind them -- this guy walks into the store. Asian Guy, looked real tough, dressed like he was going on jungle safari or something. He goes up to me. I say 'Hi, is there anything I can help ya with today?' He then picks me up by the collar and screams in my face, 'Tell me, where is Furikan High School!'" Jason gestured wildly as he told his story.
"No way," John commented
"Furikan what?" Fenny asked with her own raised eyebrow.
"That was my reaction. I go, 'Where is Furikan High School?!!?' and he just looks at me and fumes and screams, 'That's what I WANT TO KNOW!!!!!!' Then the guy drops me and runs off." Jason gestured.
"What about the mall security?" Fenny queried.
"Oh you mean officer mall guard? He didn't do a damn thing!" Jason shouted.
"Figures," John added.
"And you wanna know what the biggest tragedy about this is?" Jason asked his friends out loud. He then sighed "The biggest tragedy is that I'm not even supposed to be here today!"
"Alas, a life of tragedy," John mused.
"Maybe you killed someone in a past life," Fenny reasoned.
"Har, har," Jason fumed. John raised his hand.
"Well, I can't say that I was mugged today. In fact, my day was relatively normal. Hell, I even sold a pair of shoes to our lovely lesbian couple over yonder. But I did have one weird guy today…" John began to flashback. (WARNING! FLASHBACK APPROACHING!!!!)
John adjusted his nametag and looked around the Shoe Dept. He was quite, quite bored to be perfectly honest with everyone. Then a customer appeared. Something seemed odd to John about this lad. Then it struck him. He was clad in a full Boy Scout Uniform. Full Sash of merit badges, medals of service, and a new, crisp patch decreeing him as, "SENIOR PATROL LEADER."
Who the hell wears a boy scout uniform to the mall?!? John thought to himself. The boy pseudo-coughed to garner John's attention. John dared to break the silence "Can I help you?"
"Why yes you can sales-peon! I need a pair of shoes fit for a ruler!" the lad barked.
"OK…"John paused. Did he just call me 'peon?' he though to himself. "Can you be a little more specific?"
"Well they need to look good while I'm stepping over my underlings. They must look perfect when my subjects are kissing my feet… even if they aren't even worthy of doing that! BWAHahahahhhahaahhahahAHAHHAHAHHAHAHahahhaHAHAHAHAH!" The lad broke into a hysterical laughter. "After all, this is only a small step… first a group of Boy Scout peons… then…THE WORLD! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHahahahhahahHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!"
John nodded dumbly at the boy and looked down at his shoes. He was wearing a pair of brown loafers. John looked over the men's shoes and handed him a pair of brown loafers. "I think you'll find these suitable for a ruler of your… stature."
The boy slipped off his shoes and slipped the new ones on. "Hmmm…" He suinted at the shoes as he looked them over in the mirror. "Yes… these are very nice… they reflect my greatness very… um…" he struggled for a synonym, "…nicely." He began to laugh again to fill dead silence.
"Shall I ring them up?" John smirked.
"Yes, you should be adequate at that task sales-peon. Do so immediately!" the lad barked. "In fact, throw these shoes away…I'll wear these out," he shouted holding up his old shoes, still oblivious to the fact that they were exactly the same as his new shoes. The boy began to walk out with a self satisfied grin.
"By the way, kid…" John began.
"You will address me as SPL or LORD GOD YUNG!" the boy barked.
"Whatever. Are you doing some sort of charity drive or something?" John asked, pointing to the uniform.
"Um…no. Why?" The boy asked perplexed by the question.
"Never mind." John replied. (FLASHBACK ENDING…3…2….1….NOW!)
"What an asshole," Jason answered.
"Yep…but that's OK," John shrugged.
"Why is it OK?" Jason asked, arching his eyebrow.
"Because when I'm ruling the world… he will pay… oh how he will pay… BwahahAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHHAhahahAHHAHAHA!!!" John began to cackle psychotically.
Jason looked over to Fenny who simply rolled her eyes in response. "OK Fenny, your turn," Jason directed toward her as he sipped his Sprite again.
"No complaints." Fenny shrugged.
"LIAR! DECIEVER!" John shouted pointed to Fenny.
"No complaints at all?!?" Jason asked.
"Nope." Fenny smirked.
"And this is because…?" Jason began and paused.
"Why would I complain? I've got looks, poise and grace, charm, and to top it off… I bounce! With all that, who could ask for anything more?" Fenny beamed. John face-faulted out of his chair. Jason lowered his head.
"I had to ask." Jason groaned.
Fenny looked at her watch and jumped up. "SHIT! My break's over! I've gotta go!" Fenny shouted as she bolted from the table.
"AUGH! Mine too! Later!" John followed.
"Viva the Revolution!" Jason shouted after John as he made his way from the food court. John paused and turned around to give a salute and then continued on his way.
Jason looked around at the empty table and paused for thought. Yes he wasn't even supposed to be there today. Yes, he was tired. Yes, he was stuck in a dead end job. And yes, he even had to work tomorrow after first a morning meeting . But on the flip side he had good friends in the Springfield area who actually understood him, and he knew that they would be here again tomorrow.
Jason kicked his feet up on the table and took his drink and raised it in the air to nobody. "Here's to tomorrow." Jason took a sip and life continued in Holyoke undaunted.
THE END
General End of Story Stuff
I never said it was supposed to be an entertaining story. As always, most of these characters belong to Matt Atanian, except for the character based on myself. (No one owns me!) Matt, you can add your own usual disclaimers now as your are better at it than me…
Matt's Notes
Well, even if you never said it was supposed to be an entertaining story, I sure as hell thought it was. How the hell does an airplane loose a wing? That seems a stretch even for UPS. I mean, come on! Are there these bandits who go into airports at night and make off with the wings?
Also, most of these characters do not belong to Matt Atanian (also known as "me"). Ryoga is of course borrowed from Takahashi Rumiko's Ranma ½. As Jason said, no one owns him. This is simply because no one wants to. ^_^ Likewise, John and Fenny are based on actual persons, and I think it would be safe to assume that "Headphone Boy" might just very well be Jon Becker, who of course also has a real life counterpart.
Also, most of these characters do not belong to Matt Atanian (also known as "me"). Ryoga is of course borrowed from Takahashi Rumiko's Ranma ½. As Jason said, no one owns him. This is simply because no one wants to. ^_^ Likewise, John and Fenny are based on actual persons, and I think it would be safe to assume that "Headphone Boy" might just very well be Jon Becker, who of course also has a real life counterpart.